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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

Refusing to settle at night

15 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 04/01/2021 21:02

I'm really hoping for some advice as I'm totally exhausted.

I have three kids - a 13 yo, a 10 yo and a 7 month old. I have the two eldest for half of the time as I share care with my ex-husband. I live with my fiancé too who is daddy to our little girl.

My middle son is flat out refusing to go up to bed at bedtime which is 9 pm. He says he can't settle without someone upstairs. He won't give myself and my partner even an hour of relax time before we head up to bed. He insists on being downstairs.

He says at his dad's his dad's fiancee is always up at 9 pm playing in their bedroom on the Xbox so it's not a problem.

He does have anxiety as ex is taking me to court for further custody yet again.

Any advice much appreciated as I'm getting a bit stressed out with it all.

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/01/2021 21:06

It will be the anxiety and it will all be done to that, my ex fought for custody for 5 years and eventually lost it all as it turned my son into a nervous wreck. Does he realise he is messing up your childs mental health because that is what custody battles do.
I remember my son being exceptionally clingy at that time and now he is grown up he said his fathers endless court battles affected him very badly and he has to take medication now and has been quite ill on occasion.
Its about time your ex stopped doing this and upsetting your child. I'd bring this up with the court definitely.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 04/01/2021 21:09

@Shehasadiamondinthesky I agree. My ex just does everything he can to get "revenge" at me for daring to leave him. He's messing up the kids but the courts don't care. He's messing up my relationship too, I guess that's part of his plan.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 04/01/2021 21:10

He's draining all of divorce settlement so we're still in rented seven years on. He's tried hard to get my eldest to hate me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 04/01/2021 21:11

Think I've been in court now at least eight times and more to go...

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 04/01/2021 21:15

@Shehasadiamondinthesky I hppe things are better for you now? Can I ask how old your son was when you got full custody?

OP posts:
MargretMum · 07/01/2021 00:57

Just burn his DS did that to my 11 child and she did her homework for the first time In 3 years

AuntyJack · 08/01/2021 11:57

Can he share a bedroom with your eldest?

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 08/01/2021 15:15

@AuntyJack Not really. My eldest is almost 14 with ASD.

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 12/01/2021 15:44

Do you read to him OP? Some quiet relaxing one to one time with you might help him to settle. There are also some child related Guided Mediation sessions on YouTube with you could leave playing when you leave the room.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 12/01/2021 17:36

@JiltedJohnsJulie Yes, every day before bed. I'm a teacher so you can imagine the many books on his bookshelves! We've also tried the meditation apps but no joy. He says he HAS to have someone upstairs with him to feel safe.

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 12/01/2021 17:45

Ok, so I have just one more trick up my sleeve, have you tried him with a weighted blanket?

Hope the stuff gets sorted with your Ex soon as well. It can't be easy Thanks

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 12/01/2021 17:59

@JiltedJohnsJulie Aw thank so you so much for taking the time to suggest things. I haven't but will definitely look into it - worth a try for sure.

I left my ex seven years ago so I'm exhausted with it all as you can imagine.

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 12/01/2021 18:26

Just trying to think of things as my DD was very similar. She's naturally anxious, can't even blame it on an ex.

It was the weighted blanket that finally helped us Smile

MyNameHasBeenTaken · 24/01/2021 22:38

I second the weighted blanket.
And an old tee shirt of yours that you have worn. So it smells of you.
A small night light?
A "weapon" under his pillow? A butter knife or similar. Fairly harmless, but still a knife.
Worry dolls
Dream catcher
New teddy?
Electronic toy thing sets an alarm off if the door is opened. Might backfire if you check on him in the night. Or he gets up for a wee
Audio book
Real paper book. He can be allowed to read in his bed until he falls asleep

But has to stay in bed
Spray bottle of "chemicals". Hydrogen hydroxide is a good one.

Nowmum43 · 19/02/2021 22:05

This is both my DD's (9&11) they are both very anxious (no reason that we know of) and want someone with them till they sleep. It's exhausting and stressful but I've figured today that if they need us and that reassurance from us them we should give them it. I'm hoping it's not a forever thing and they will both soon go back to settling on their own.
I have thought of weighted blankets though but the ones I've seen are really expensive.

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