Strategies for DD12 to cope with subtle bullying

[Iamagree]

DD 12 has been visibly unhappy for weeks if not months, come home form school crying and withdrawn; I've been probing gently to get her to talk to me and last night it all came out. She's in a group of "friends" many of whom knew each other from primary, and there seems to be a "queen Bee" who kind of directs the others. I noticed previously QB seemed to be the one suggesting they shouldn't speak to various other girls in and around the group because of alleged things they had done. It turns out she in particular (and one of the others) frequently put DD in her place and criticise her behaviour and pick her up on things she has said. Ironically they often tell her off for being "mean" - she spent hours handmaking QB a birthday card and choosing some special personal little gifts. Barely acknowledged. They make her feel only just tolerated in the group, and treat her like a needy hanger-on. It is all quite subtle but they have chipped away at her self-confidence, and made her a nervous jumpy little mouse, terrified to "do something wrong" . DD doesn't want to address this head on with QB or to speak to the others because they will turn it around and make her out to be bitchy or talking behind their backs. There are other nice kids around she could build friendships with , other students seem to like her, but this is the "core" group, and she feels like two or three of the others are kinder but under the influence of QB. To complicate matters, I have a fairly senior role in her school, so any involvement from me would be very tricky, and would make things worse for her in the short term. I'm also acutely aware she doesn't want me to go steaming in and "solve" it. (though I have a good few ideas what I'd like to say to these girls...)
How do I help her to gain back her confidence and have the strength to distance herself from this toxic dynamic and build new friendships she sees as worthwhile? It's so insidious and I hate to see what they have done to my lovely girl.

Encourage her to make new friends?

Thanks - she does have other friends but not in her class and not necessarily in her school. I will encourage other friendships but she'll have to distance herself carefully I feel

So sorry this is happening. Hopefully you can take action now before it affects your DD's sense of self too much. Could she join in school clubs to make some friends in school, like sport or music? I suggest buying the friendship maze and queen bees and wannabes books. These books lay out who plays each part in a clique and unfortunately it sounds like your daughter is 'the target'. The books will give you strategies to help get her out of this role. Good luck x

Thanks BlueStargazer; I think I'm kind of surprised by it all, she was so cheerful and confident before; the books sound good, I'll look into that. She does do a sport outside of school and has an amazing little group of friends from there, which I think will be of benefit in the long run. She has seemed happier since telling me all about it, "unburdened" I guess. I think she is also reassured that she wasn't imagining it and I was able to affirm that she has done nothing wrong. Hopefully talking it through with me has helped her to see what's happening and she'll be in a position to resist and push back. She has a wider group of friends including a mix of boys too, who also alleviate the intensity of the girl thing, I just need to steer her gently in their direction!

Great- Sounds like she is in a good position to start off with having other friends. I'm sure that will be a big help. This must be horrible for her though. Girls can be so horrid but Things will
Improve I'm sure. The books give strategies for dealing with these sorts of situations. I preferred the friendship maze and often refer back to it when issues arise. It gives examples of things your daughter can say when someone puts her down etc. Eg it suggests asking questions like "what's your point?" And "why are you saying that". People who are being malicious usually don't have a response. My dd has used a few of the techniques and they do help.

What is your position in the school? I would be tempted to do some subtle work on bullying: encouraging others not to be bystanders.
Try to get DD to see her worth, she is worth more than being treated like that

Have you heard of GirlOnBoard? They’re a great organisation that comes in to do workshops on subtle bullying/queen bee situations. If you’re quite high up maybe you could influence a visit?

www.girlsonboard.co.uk/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIhdvB47jT7QIVRe7tCh1zKQ1-EAAYASAAEgJDtvD_BwE

Great suggestions, thanks. Practising some good responses is a good idea and I will certainly see if I can arrange some targeted anti-bullying work. This is all Year 8 level which friends tell me is optimum friendship dynamic fallout time. Will makes sure she can spend time (online at least ) with the positive ones over the Christmas holidays!