11 year old girl horrendous mood

[Juniland]

Hello all,

We are tearing our hair out with our 11 year old daughter . Her mood is horrendous, she is rude to us and her older sister, nothing seems to please her. She's very cynical for her age , hadn't been very happy for a couple of years . Awful to see. She is a lucky girl , has everything she wants in terms of love and material needs , popular at school, very bright, but nothing seems to please her.

We limit her screen time, she's a worrier, not a great sleeper, eats like a horse, honestly, much more than I do. She came home from school the other day and had 4 slices of toast and a toasted tea cake, then are a full meal two hours later. She is skinny as a rake.

She's very good at sport, very switched on for her age, very in tune with other people and does very well at school.

At home she is an absolute nightmare and we don't really know where to go from here .

Most punishments revolve around taking screens away for a couple of days. Then she reverts back to same.

I remember my other daughter going through a bad patch at the same age, but nothing like this . She has serious meltdowns, tantrums even, similar to a toddler !! Hormones maybe , or something else ??! Help needed please .

Possibly ASD? Can you give us some examples of the 'nightmare' behaviour?

Sorry, yes, just a general moroseness, nothing is right , breakfast not right, packed lunches not right, she goes mental if she doesn't achieve highly ( one of the brightest in her class) , amazing at football, creative writing, really good all-rounder, but loses it if anyone doing better than her( we encourage her, don't push her, her high aspirations are mostly her own). She is rude to me , screams at my husband, calls him an idiot aggressively if he's joking around, nasty to her older sister who is very patient and loving with her. Won't do anything we ask her to do, simple chores, SO easily destracted. Doesn't care if she is punished. A general lowness and an air of dissatisfaction with everything . She's too young to feel like this. She used to be such a bright, cherry little thing , and now nothing seems to give her joy. Ages lost her spark .

Hi OP, have you considered the prospect that there may be something untoward going on for her? Possibly something of a sexual nature that she doesn’t feel able to share? Her high aspirations and aggression are very tell tale. Sorry OP, probably not what you want to hear but please do talk to her

I did wonder if it was something to do with possible confusion about sexuality , or on the other end of the scale, something as simple as finding out that Santa is not real( I suspect she must know by now, but has not said) ! I did say to her this evening ( again) if there is anything at all bothering her that she can talk to us, and that she can tell us anything. She did say that the teacher that takes a few of them for extra lessons never seems to ask her questions when her hand is up, and never praises her and she got very upset about that, but I don't think that's it. She had just come into me to ask if there is anything to put on her skin and get eyes as they hurt 😩. Honestly nothing is right, there is always something wrong. She is miserable.

Is it all the time? Mood swings are pretty normal with the hormonal changes at this age aren't they? My 12 year old has days like this but then has days where she's fine.

It's pretty much all of the time at the moment . She has a 13 year old sister who did have mood swings at her age, but not like this. My eldest DD is pretty stable now, although she hasn't started her periods yet. God help my husband when they both start !

Any way of getting better sleep? Mine are like that if they are tired. Strict bedtimes make a world of difference.

Also boundaries, not accepting rudeness.

Diet? Is she getting enough healthy fats, protein etc?

Any other health issues? Constipation?

We just have random days of these moods swings and unhappiness but there's nothing worse. How much screen time is allowed, can you try a digital detox and lots of fresh air and exercise?

Do you need to take a step back and give her some space? I have a 12 year old DD and she just can’t take the level of constant “togetherness” we used to have. It’s sad but natural.

She's never been a good sleeper, nearly killed me as she didn't sleep until she was 2 1/2. But still she's not great. We restrict her screen time, I'm constantly nagging about it, sick of the sound of my own voice . Perhaps that's it ! Me nagging to get off devices . And it's not just nagging , they are taken away . No screens after dinner . But maybe 1-2 hours a day max.

She has an extremely healthy varied diet, huge appetite, all fresh food cooked from scratch ( blah, blah, blah), with the odd treat thrown in( I am really strict on these too as she has week enamel and try to protect her teeth. Basically I am the fun police. Maybe I am the cause !!

She plays football , we drag her on big walks, walks to school . Great at sport.

Thanks for your replies.

Boy problems

Honestly that was the cause of my miserable moods most of the time (still is and I’m 35 😏)

My 10 year old is similar and we are looking into ASD. If you read about ASD in girls, you may find it reads like a full on description of your child.
We find not allowing them to dwell on negatives, keep them busy, lots and lots of physical activity to aid better sleep, lots of family time and then also time alone, lots of chats about the world, feelings, etc to help them work out who they are.
I think it’s hormones, plus potentially being on the spectrum, plus tonnes of confusion about gender, sexuality, interacting with other children and their expectations... it’s really hard being a pre-teen!!

First of all I wouldn’t compare her to her sister. She is a different person and will react differently to things.

Second of all, try and ease up on the punishments and speak to her when she’s in a better mood about behaviour expectations. Try and head off her tantrums before they happen and give a reminder of what she should do if she gets angry/upset etc.

Try and spend some extra time just with her. Take her for a walk a couple of times a week, sit with her at bedtime for a bit. Just give opportunities for her to talk without engineering it (if she’s anything like my stroppy 11 year old, asking what’s wrong just doesn’t work - but if we go for a walk, he will talk and stuff comes out!).

Mine is that age and very moody. I have put it down to friendship problems at new school and hormones and also covid unsettling her. She is also rude and grumpy and complains about everything. Shr sometimes apoligises later. She is my eldest so I have been unsure.

What would happen if you chose to allow more screen time? So, ensure any homework is done or whatever else she needs to get out the way. And then say 'I'm going to allow you some more time on your iPad. Shall we agree a time to come off it?'

So you bat it back to her. You make her responsible for her own screen time. Now of course she can't say ' oh midnight!' but by agreeing something between you you may find this helps a little.

It never works to just demand all the time and get into a cycle of removing things - she doesn't care if you punish her? Then don't punish her

Having said that, some things are not negotiable. I wouldn't tolerate her calling your husband an idiot for example - it's a no no to be rude so that needs dealing with every single time

Try and relax on some stuff for the sake of harmony and see if it helps. Also consider that she may be on the spectrum? I'm loathe to mention that as it's often mentioned on here as a cop out excuse for bad behaviour but some of what you write fits

Mine is moody, and has periods where literally everything is wrong, everything anyone says is wrong.. similarly high aspirations / pressure, cynicism, defiance, attitude and reaction if not 'the best'.

I put it down to puberty. Mine is almost 12 and has been increasingly like this since late year 6. I moved her to a competitive independent school for secondary where she's and it's helped truthfully. She's pushed academically and has heaps of structure. It's also meant she spends significantly less time on ipads etc. I have a short list of key rules which are non-negotiable (rudeness, bedtime, school work etc), but we negotiate on the rest (i.e. her clothing). One thing we used to argue about was chores e.g. tidying her room. The more I said to do it, the less she did it. She does it without being told now... ( note: this is theme at this age..). They pull away at this age, and it's really hard if you were close before. I'm still struggling with it, and it makes me sad but it's natural.

My Mum gave me some good advice when it started (apparently I was similarly 'difficult' at that age right through my teens!): Don't go to war with her. You will lose.