Advice on letting DD12 opt out

[merrygoround51]

My eldest DD12 has hit the tween years hard. Lots of moods and a definite pulling away from the family in terms of watching TV together etc. She still does her sports and is good at school though.
However she is refusing to do things like go to the park with me and her younger sister. She will still (with objections) go on a family walk or indeed come supermarket shopping with me.
How far should I let her ‘opt out’ of family activities when I know she will otherwise be on her phone ?

Anyone ?

I think it's the standard for young teen and each situation is unique. What makes the difference is the relationship, I would let understand you are always there for her, for help as well as for fun. Being a parent is different than being a friend, but not necessarily one preclude the other, we need to find the right balance. Anyway, ordinary teenage problems, peers pressure, this bad period, and other things outside of her and your control make the difference, even with the best caring friendly parents a teen can act in that way. Talking openly about problems and concerns helps a lot, along with fun time.
If she is too much on her phone or even if the problem is just the phone addiction you can install a good parental control app to limit screen time and monitoring/prevent stuff that could boost isolation and depression. Teens would opt out everything just to spend as long as possible on their phones, when one or two hours a day is quite enough.
Anyway I would focus a lot on how much you'd like to have her at the park with you, more than how much is bad pulling away from the family.

Ask her to suggest some things she does want to do with you and the family, but let her opt out of the park. And go over your phone use agreement.

What is there for her to do in the park? I'm picturing DD2 playing on the playground equipment while DD1 just hangs about - or it is it not like that?

My DC are 11, 13 and 15. To me, the important thing is that they stay active for health reasons rather than having to take part as it's a family activity. So we go on family bike rides etc but they can opt out as long as they're being active in some other way that day. We all watch Strictly together on Sat night. I love that, but wouldn't insist on any of them watching if they really didn't want to. I wouldn't make them come to the supermarket either. We do eat together every night, no phones allowed, which is really important to me.

They do come through it. You just have to be there to catch the times they want you to do something with them. Which usually involves lifts or paying for something. My 17yo rang me this morning and asked if we could go for a run together - a first - 'sure, give me a minute' (was just finishing a 12k run myself). It was lovely, haven't chatted so much in ages.