Daughters jealous friend

[southbelle11]

Ok so she has this 'best friend' that is toxic, constantly puts people down & tries to control who my daughter is friends with. You know its not right when to spare the friends feelings & avoid getting the backlash you actually have to lie about being friends with other people. Anyway toxic friend has 2 new friends & is now saying because my daughter is friends with another person then shes not allowed to be friends with these other 2 friends & they're just her friends. It's all quite laughable quite frankly. Luckily my daughter isn't too bothered shes pretty easy going & is good friends with a lot of people. I've told her to treat it as a blessing in disguise, distance herself slowly & just be happy. My fear is these other 2 won't stand for being treated how she treats people, ditch her & then she'll come back expecting just to be the only friend with my daughter again! Anyone have any experience with toxic people & how to deal with them if this happens? Honestly I've never known such a vile child, the way she talks to people is disgraceful.

I will actually advice my child to look for another friend that will not always bring her down .
A friend that will lift up her spirit & make her happy .
I will also pray that God will bring a good friend across her path & make my child to recognise such a true friend

Thanks for the reply. Yeah she has noticed the difference with her new friends she's made & I'm so glad to be honest that she now sees it. Having to hide being friends with others tho isn't right all because 1 kid gets in a mood! Problem is me & parents are friends but they cant see their kid does wrong, its all my child's fault because their kid says so! They haven't heard the way their child speaks to mine & the amount of times I've told my child to end the call or walk away is just countless. If I have to cut the friendship with the parents I will, it doesn't bother me I can act like someone never existed & go quite happily along in life...they'll miss everything I did for them tho I guarantee it as I was always the doing one in fact I think I was used as well looking at it.

My advice is to do everything in your power to get your daughter away. Toxic friend will never let go EVER as long as she can control her. I've seen it with my friend's daughter.
Weirdly when she was strong enough to drop toxic friend the toxic friend was devastated. The toxic child's parents didn't take it well. Was like a divorce.
After a year or so toxic friend as a new friend to control and so the cycle goes on.

Are the other parents getting involved?
Really encourage your dd to get away from this other child.

Yeah other parent blamed everything on my child's behaviour, their child is never at fault & I do mean never. She previously blamed my child's friend of physically hurting her when actually it was the other way round. As usual other child got full blame, mine was told she shouldn't be friends with other friend anymore!

I’d just distance the entire friendship.

It sounds like you have the right idea. I'd also try and teach your DD about what healthy friendships look like, that they aren't perfect but that you don't have to tolerate repeated bad behaviour.

I’ve been there recently - awful friend to daughter for years (since primary school and into secondary school) they have now fallen out for good and the friend tried to alienate the rest of the group from my daughter- through fear and control but thankfully it didn’t work. But what made it difficult is I’m good friends with the mother - in the end we spoke about it agreed that it’s best to not support the girls friendship and accept both girls faults. It is a little strained with us mothers but we’ve stayed friends - we just don’t talk about the girls.

Thanks so much for all the replies. I've been trying to encourage my daughter to have other friends for years, whenever she did she would be told she cant be friends with them because the toxic friend doesn't like them. On the down low my daughter has been talking to other friends, seeing other friends but not telling the toxic friend because she knows exactly what will happen. She has now realised how real friendships should be & actually said to me mum its just so nice to have mutual interests & compromise not you're doing this because I want to. Every friend my daughter has made the toxic friend has made sure it has been impossible for her to spend any time with them. The amount of abuse I got from the parents yesterday was just phenomenal! Message after message accusing my daughter of violent behaviour, its actually the other way round because I've actually witnessed it personally & brought it up with the parents, blaming me for having a go about their child, i should be ashamed of my own & how I'm over reacting & me & my daughter are interpreting things wrong!

I read an article today its from 2015 but
it just made my mouth hit the floor & it was like a lightbulb went off. (www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people )

One message in particular from the parent after reading this article has made me realise the toxic friend may actually take after her mother? At this point I'd be quite happy for them & us to never talk again & as harsh as that sounds I just want a quiet life, no drama & my daughter to be happy & not controlled. Over the last few days its the happiest I've seen her because there is no toxic input other than trying to make her jealous which doesn't work & my daughter just laughs it off.

I’m quite bolshy, particularly where dd is concerned. I’d have no problem telling them that you’d witnessed their dd being violent which they didn’t accept. All of this shitstorm is not suddenly going to be better so it’s time for the girls and families to accept friendships drift apart. Basically fuck off 👋🏻

Are you going to be able to "ditch" the parents as friends?

If not perhaps now is the time to message the Mum and be casual "oh the girls aren't friends at the moment and it seems their friendship is too full of drama to carry on so I suggest we encourage to focus on their new friendships as I can't see my DD hurt like this anymore that way we both know where it all stands"

Something like that so for once you are in there first that you Dd is hurt (well erm she isn't but I'd lie) and you won't encourage/support the friendship anymore...

Hopefully you can just ditch the Mum too!

The daughter is toxic to your DD and the parents are abusive and toxic to you.
I would have a frank discussion with your DD and say you both don't need these relationships in your lives, wouldn't your DD be happy saying to the other girl I can't come out, hang out, come to your house because my mum said I'm not allowed?
I would put the kybosh on that "friendship" and not allow DD to associate with the other girl.
Then I'd tell her parents that you have made the decision that your DD is no longer allowed to associate with their DD and as far as you're concerned none of you are friends any longer, then grey rock them all.
Your DD will probably be happy that you have stepped in and made the decision.
The time for politeness has long gone, set your stall out, good luck

@icelollycraving

I’m quite bolshy, particularly where dd is concerned. I’d have no problem telling them that you’d witnessed their dd being violent which they didn’t accept. All of this shitstorm is not suddenly going to be better so it’s time for the girls and families to accept friendships drift apart. Basically fuck off 👋🏻

You have no idea how much your comment made me laugh!! I have told them what I've witnessed but of course never their kids fault, course not!! 🙄 I've also told them what I've heard, sent video & screenshots of proof!!! I'm an adult, I don't lie & I'm not going to sit there & let my child be verbally abused repeatedly. All brushed off with a well they're kids & they need to sort it out themselves, we shouldn't get involved. Basically translated as I'm not going to acknowledge my child is a nasty piece of work & my child tells me its all your child's fault & I'll believe them despite having proof sent to me!

I have literally no problem with cutting people off & acting like they never existed so the whole fuck off, ta ta, bye bye then I don't have a problem with. My family comes first & I'm not being lectured by parents of an only child when I have 3 that have never behaved anything like the toxic friend has so I think I have the upper hand here, 3 well adjusted, polite, kind children vs theirs! And I am sorry if this comment offends anyone with an only child, I am NOT implying all only children are toxic.

I have an only child. They are used to getting their way in truth. Much easier to think your own are perfect. None of us like to think ours can be at fault but with proof etc then they are just bloody stupid. As I say, 👋🏻 🖕🏻😁

Oh don't get me wrong I don't think my kids are perfect, they're all assholes at times but they've never spoken or treated people as bad as that. Also I'll tell them off if I hear them being assholes too & tell them to apologise. Difference being if someone came to me & said look this is proof of your kid being vile I would be mortified & get them to apologise to the parents as well as the child & tell them you don't behave like that & would they want to be treated like it!? This kid has stolen from my daughter repeatedly, stolen from our house, made my daughter doubt her sanity by switching something full with something almost empty. It wasn't done as a joke either because 1 of my daughters other friends actually said to me it wasn't a joke she was actually trying to make my daughter look like an idiot in front of everyone!!

I just really hope they don't mend this friendship because I think I'll cry then just outright ban it & if I get anything from the parents they'll get exactly what I think not a trying to be diplomatic & nice version.

Life is too short for this crappola. Get rid for your sake as well as your dd.

@icelollycraving

Life is too short for this crappola. Get rid for your sake as well as your dd.

Yeah you're right, cheers for giving me the kick up the ass I clearly needed! it just feels great to air it & know its not me being over sensitive or paranoid!

Glad to be of service

My dd (now year 6) had a toxic friendship. It went on for 2 years, the child was very manipulative and liked to embarrass my DD and try to get everyone to laugh at her. I never knew the parents as they didnt interact with anyone at school and the child was never allowed to go to any parties or social activities at school.

It all came to a head a few months ago when my DD became so frustrated with the situation she started self harming. The school made a big effort to keep them apart and thankfully it all seems to have stopped. Toxic girl now hanging around with a different group and my DD found herself a nice friend.

I've always tried to make her realise that a friend will not make you feel rubbish or sneer and laugh at you. A good friend will be on your side. DD is not very confident so it was a real struggle to get her to realise this girl was no good and to seperate them.

She still gets other kids asking why they're not friends and telling her she should make up.

Wow, I could have written this word for word except the violence bit . . .. my DD hasn't experienced physical violence but every other aspect that you list she has also experienced.
Step 1 in helping our DD was getting her to understand and recognise what was happening. That the apparent 'best friend' was no friend at all. She was confused, which made everything worse, she thought that if they are best friends then surely the friend loved her and wouldn't be trying to hurt her . . . so why did she feel so sad about their friendship? Toxic friend was a master at gaslighting, so DD was made to feel like she herself had caused any negative situation eg. if toxic friend was really unkind to her toxic friend would say 'I only said those things because you were so unkind to me and such a bad friend . . . you were a bad friend because you didn't carry my coat to school' (or some other absurd accusation). I got DD to read this article www.verywellfamily.com/signs-your-friend-is-controlling-and-a-bully-460803
and she recognised all the behaviours. This 'broke the spell' as such. I would also gently help her see through the toxic behaviours, saying things like 'can you see that this is in fact an attempt to control you, she wants to make you do x, y and z'.

1. step 2 we would strategise and role play together. We went through all of toxic friend's favorite tricks, gaslighting, anger, mean words, unreasonable requests etc and we did little role plays until DD felt confident in handling them all in a way that took back power but didn't cause massive drama. Apparently the first time DD refused to behave as expected (toxic friend would often make DD apologise for something ridiculous that wasn't her fault) and calmly refused to go along with the usual routine toxic friend was at a total loss what to do.

step 3. encourage other friendships, and remind her what a good friendship looks like. Real friends don't try and hurt you. step 4. I told the teacher that DD was dealing with a toxic friendship and that this person seemed to enjoy seeing DD upset. I didn't name who but I said that it was affecting her. I did this partly because I suspected that toxic friend would try and get DD in trouble through lying at some point, I'd seen some signs of it. Indeed toxic friend then did exactly that, something quite serious . . . . however I was able to point the teacher to our earlier conversation where I had warned her that DD was dealing with this toxic friend. DD didn't get in trouble as a result. step 5. I documented all the big issues, and kept emails, texts and voice mails from toxic friend to my DD. This was helpful because I had to approach the parents of toxic friend about one thing and they denied it but then I had the email proof, so they had to deal with it.

I wish you loads of strength and peace on this one. It's horrid.

@wingsandstrings

Wow, I could have written this word for word except the violence bit . . .. my DD hasn't experienced physical violence but every other aspect that you list she has also experienced. Step 1 in helping our DD was getting her to understand and recognise what was happening. That the apparent 'best friend' was no friend at all. She was confused, which made everything worse, she thought that if they are best friends then surely the friend loved her and wouldn't be trying to hurt her . . . so why did she feel so sad about their friendship? Toxic friend was a master at gaslighting, so DD was made to feel like she herself had caused any negative situation eg. if toxic friend was really unkind to her toxic friend would say 'I only said those things because you were so unkind to me and such a bad friend . . . you were a bad friend because you didn't carry my coat to school' (or some other absurd accusation). I got DD to read this article www.verywellfamily.com/signs-your-friend-is-controlling-and-a-bully-460803 and she recognised all the behaviours. This 'broke the spell' as such. I would also gently help her see through the toxic behaviours, saying things like 'can you see that this is in fact an attempt to control you, she wants to make you do x, y and z'.

1. step 2 we would strategise and role play together. We went through all of toxic friend's favorite tricks, gaslighting, anger, mean words, unreasonable requests etc and we did little role plays until DD felt confident in handling them all in a way that took back power but didn't cause massive drama. Apparently the first time DD refused to behave as expected (toxic friend would often make DD apologise for something ridiculous that wasn't her fault) and calmly refused to go along with the usual routine toxic friend was at a total loss what to do.

step 3. encourage other friendships, and remind her what a good friendship looks like. Real friends don't try and hurt you. step 4. I told the teacher that DD was dealing with a toxic friendship and that this person seemed to enjoy seeing DD upset. I didn't name who but I said that it was affecting her. I did this partly because I suspected that toxic friend would try and get DD in trouble through lying at some point, I'd seen some signs of it. Indeed toxic friend then did exactly that, something quite serious . . . . however I was able to point the teacher to our earlier conversation where I had warned her that DD was dealing with this toxic friend. DD didn't get in trouble as a result. step 5. I documented all the big issues, and kept emails, texts and voice mails from toxic friend to my DD. This was helpful because I had to approach the parents of toxic friend about one thing and they denied it but then I had the email proof, so they had to deal with it.

I wish you loads of strength and peace on this one. It's horrid.

Omg yes the apologising for absolutely nothing at all!! More is coming out now as days go on. She wasn't allowed items in games that friend had, wasn't allowed items in games friend wanted, if she accidentally got something then friend would go mad & call her spoilt & a horrible friend. If i bought her something friend would berate her for having such a nice mum who buys her things. I actually wanted to cry that my daughter has been putting up with this. For years I have messaged or spoken to the parents when my daughter got unkind messages, voice messages, was berated & the parents just brushed it off, when the latest fall out happened parents actually said I had victimised their child by sending them proof of all the vile things their kid had done!! Thats when I realised she must take after the mother as shes the one saying I'm victimising her child, they need to sort it out themselves we shouldn't get involved, my child is the problem, I'm the problem!! I've also found that my daughters other friend had a run in, I've spoken with her parents & it was like listening to my daughter except hers got so bad she was actually considering home schooling when lockdown happened! The mum said she approached the parents & her child was blamed also. She also said to me when they actually realise its their child thats the problem then perhaps they'll actually apologise & be mortified. Yeah, I won't hold my breath thats for sure!!

Its horrific that some parents just refuse to see what is clearly in front of them which further enables the child to keep acting like they do & continue destroying other kids mental health. Thanks for the link I will go read it & point my daughter in the direction of it also.

Wings & strings, something out of that article really stood out to me.

Likewise, controlling people may accuse you of being too sensitive, especially when they make jokes at your expense.

So the parents actually told me my daughter is too sensitive, always crying & coming to me to tell me whats happened. I was told this shouldn't happen they should just sort it out themselves? Thats not right is it?! I've always told my children my arms are always there to hug them if they ever get upset, my ears are always ready to listen & I will always do my best to help them. But no apparently thats wrong, I should just leave her to get on with it? Now had I done this with oldest when a 'friend' threatened her & told her to watch her back then I hate to think what would have happened. My kids know they can come to me at any time for anything, however old they are! I thought that's how having kids worked? You were there for them? Or am I wrong?