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Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.


9 year old girl

9 replies

Iwanttogetthisright · 09/11/2020 19:47

I’ve seen a big change in my DDs attitude over the last year. She is a lovely, kind and helpful girl but I can see the mood swings of her teenage years starting to rear their heads a bit.

Just looking for general advice from anyone who has been through the preteen stage really because I don’t want to do the wrong thing. My mum and I spent from about 10-19 constantly fighting and screaming at each other and I just don’t want that for us. It feels like it would already be so each to lose the rag with her and shout.

Main issue at the moment is surliness when she doesn’t like what I’m saying to her. Her tone when she answers me sometimes is really rude. She’s gone from being really helpful to not doing as she is asked.

I’ve never had any issues with her at all and I don’t want to make any mistakes here. After a bit of bad attitude today I sent her up to her room because that’s the only thing I could think to do. Was that the right thing to do?

I don’t want to alienate her and ruin our relationship forever but I also don’t want to go through what I went through as a teen.

Thank you.

OP posts:
foxyroxyyy · 09/11/2020 21:17

I don't have the answers. Just wanted to say you sound like a wonderful mum and I hope when my daughter is old enough to give me lip I remember this post!Thanks

Strawberry33 · 10/11/2020 02:35

Honestly I don’t think there is much you can do that you aren’t already. I have an 11 year old and 14 year old. I’ve been ready a lot about how teen brains work and that’s helped. It’s not a sign that your relationship isn’t good.. it’s a sign they are developing as they should. Try to think of it like that. So basically, to put it simply teens brains as not developed and to make matters worse they also sort of fall apart.. they are busy quickly trying to create and join all the loose ends so to speak. This makes them impulsive and they are designed to try and test the boundaries and they need desperately to have new experiences. The brain knows it’s almost adult and yet it has so much to do to become independent so it’s playing catch up. This is why teens become so different and suddenly start detaching from parents. All I would do is let it unfold and do lots of reading to prepare yourself. I hadn’t and I freaked out majorly over my 11 year old. I was
Lucky with first son somehow he’s never rebelled really but younger is a more typical teen.
Good luck you will be fine! Xxx

Strawberry33 · 10/11/2020 02:37

Also there’s no such thing as “ruining your relationship forever”... relationships change and can be repaired. Nothing bar being abusive is going to ruin anything. If there’s love there which there is then that is what will always be underlying x

celticmissey · 10/11/2020 05:01

Just to let you know you're not alone.My 10 year old dd is exactly the same. She questions everything I ask her to do and she seems to moan a lot. It's hard going! Some days it's like walking through treacle but I know hormones are in the mix as her body is changing her too. She actually said to me yesterday "Why do you get to do what you want and I don't?"

She does have her good moments and comes for cuddles still but there have been times where I've also sent her to her room. A friend of mine with girls this age once said to me "pick your battles" and I completely understand what she means now.

No great advice from me, just solidarity Smile

NeonGenesis · 10/11/2020 05:27

You're not ruining your relationship with her if you need to tell her off or punish her.

Most people I know crossed swords with their parents many times as teens. I don't think they all now have a terrible relationship with their parents.

My husband was pretty wild. Lots of sneaking out, alcohol, smoking weed. His mum had a big job trying to keep some order in the house. He's now a very good doctor, straight laced, and he calls him mum every week to chat. Their relationship is fine.

HugeAckmansWife · 01/12/2020 19:34

Mine is like this too. Tonight, when she asked me to help her with her homework, it turned into her screaming at me within about 30 secs that I was calling her stupid and I never help her properly and she was right anyway (she wasn't). And apparently she hates me. Later she told me she's upset because all her friends play an online game that she's not interested in so she's left out. I get that they have a lot going on at this age but I work bloody hard as a single mum and keeping all the plates spinning and I don't want to spend the next decade as an emotional punching bag. I think hormones are a reason, but not an excuse for bad behaviour beyond a certain point. Don't really have any answers, sorry 😕

Dilbertian · 01/12/2020 19:41

I cannot this book highly enough: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

It has been a complete lifesaver for the relationship between us and our dc. There's a whole series, I believe, but this one is the key book.

BB8sm8 · 05/02/2021 13:59

Oh my goodness I can relate! I’m sorry I have no useful advice but my 9 year old is just the same & I feel like we’ve spent all of lockdown screaming at eachother over home learning!

Rainydayss · 08/02/2021 19:05

Definitely the same for me and my DD 9. Huge tantrums about doing work and anything other than watching her iPad. I'm constantly on edge and been in tears myself today, it's exhausting and I'm struggling to cope.

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