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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Ds9 is explosive and angry

6 replies

Amkotbj · 08/11/2020 21:25

Hi all

I have done a few searches and it seems that this age could be tricky with boys but things have suddenly got out of hand and I’m worried that this is more than just developmental.
Ds just turned 9. He is one of 3 boys. We always thought he had traits of slightly being on the spectrum mainly due to his social skills and issues with self control and regulating his emotions but the last 2 years he has seemed better.
As he went back to school after lockdown I knew it might be a bit difficult after such a long time, new teacher etc but had a call at the end of the week it was a follow up from a few weeks ago.
He started messing around similar things as he does at home. Eg when he is asked to stop something he wants to have the last word and I’ll be in control and when it doesn’t work out, he will sulk and won’t do as he is asked.
This last few days I was told he got out of control when things hadn’t got his way and just exploded. Kicked things and was rude to a teacher.
He is the same at home if he doesn’t get his way he will absolutely fly off the handle and will even be physical and insult me and his dad.
I would almost as far as he seems possessed and I don’t recognise him during these fits.
I have mental health issues ran in my family (including suicide) and so I can’t help but worry what if this is the beginning of something more serious.
His school promised he will be able to see a support worker and talk about coping strategies however they say at the minute he just seems like he is simply naughty and doesn’t seem like he is struggling otherwise.
We now have a reward chart in place. His chosen reward is PS4 time which they can only have at the weekend but the problem I find is also surrounding waiting and being asked to come off it when he explodes so I feel it would be easier if I just banned it full stop but it’s not fair on his brothers just because he can’t deal with it...
Sorry for rambling on but just feel a bit lost

OP posts:
LeGrandBleu · 08/11/2020 23:54

The first thing I want to tell you is that mental health is not related to genes in any way and I would recommend this book www.amazon.co.uk/Not-Your-Genes-reasons-children/dp/0091947685/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&crid=3QICMXOFHZFS3&keywords=oliver+james+not+in+your+genes&sprefix=Oliver+janes+not%2Caps%2C613&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1604878649&sr=8-1 not only to see the science behind this statement but also because the book is filled with examples of normal and famous people who have issues with their kids and how they solved them.

The second thing I would recommend is to send the PS4 on holiday to another home for a month. I know you have other kids but right now there is a family member who needs help and everyone has to do their bits. The brothers can still play on their computers, in their rooms, with door closed and headphones.
People so underestimate the damaging effects of screens on sensitive personality. They are addictive, exclusive (nothing appeals to you but the PS4) , shorten attention span, and I could go on forever. Gaming increases cortisol that triggers aggressiveness , so I would experiment with having no PS4 and possibly no other gaming screens for at least 2 weeks. Remove the PS$ so it isn't there daunting your son, and go back 20 years, when you watch tv (not streaming, because it never ends, it goes from one season to another and another series) , an activity you do as a family. Let him pick a movie form the tv program. Let him even pick a late night movie. IT has a beginning and an end.

Say to your other sons that you want to try to bring the peace back in the house and evaluate the impact of screens so the PS4 will go for a while (minimum two weeks) . This impacts you as well as your DH. Your phones should be in a bag, and you don't browse, FB , MN or whatever . Reset the interactions

Amkotbj · 09/11/2020 10:50

Thank you LeGrandBleu. That is very interesting to hear about the mental health and how it’s not related to genetics. There was strong mental health issues on my father’s side then also again the next generation (my sibling) so I have nightmares about this carry on with my children. Will have a look at that book, thank you.
You are right about the screen time. I think the right thing to do is to say we are as a family going to have a break from it. It’s actually a very scare thought as we do rely on t hugely as a reward for most things they do at home e g getting ready, doing homework. Actually ds2 is the one who will happily play if he knows that nobody else will have screen time. Will try and reduce it gradually rather than all at once and see how it goes, thank you

OP posts:
Strawberry33 · 09/11/2020 14:36

Sorry but the other poster is wrong. Genetics combined with other factors cause mental health issues. I work in mental health and there is almost always a genetic predisposition- however that’s not to say that it’s inevitable at all! Personally nothing rings alarm bells for me in what you have written. Sounds like boundary testing, pre frontal cortex developing, and struggling with change of going back to school in these strange times.
Does your son show empathy? Does he feel sad often or just angry? X

LeGrandBleu · 09/11/2020 18:12

@Strawberry33 This was one of the greatest failure of the Human Genetic Project. They couldn't find any genes. They made hundreds of studies and came back with an absolute nothing.
If it is genetic, there is a gene. None could be found.
If you say the opposite, that it is genetics, name the gene.

So if it is not nature, why do some traits run in families. Nurture. The home dynamics, the repetition of behaviours or new behaviour as a reflection , which CAN be changed.

I have a genetic disorder, I can name the gene and the variants of the mutations. I read an awful lot about genetics, I am involved in clinical trials , and between what research finds and change in protocols and views, there is a 10-15 years gap.

@Amkotbj How old are your other children? A rewards system is more effective when very little. and later, children should understand that some things have to be done (homework, chores) because they are their responsibility . By centralising all rewards on the PS4 , you make it very important. So it is constantly there, either they use it and are working to get it. There are so many books and medical papers on the impact of screens, it is fascinating.
Children come in all personality, some are quiet, some are not.

You need to consider that a child is constantly told what to do. All day long, when to get up, what to eat, what to wear (uniforms), when to talk, when to move from class to playground, then home again,... you can never do what you want. Day after day.
Imagine for one minute, it was your life, there would be a day in which you feel like rebelling even if only for 3 seconds. It doesn't mean you have a trait, it means you are an individual with a personality .

I work in primary schools as an ethics teacher, which is so fantastic, because I don't deliver a lesson in which pupils have to suffer and endure my talking (and let me tell you some teachers are annoying ) .
The kids do the talking and I am the one listening and the difference is astonishing between the dynamic of the classroom. Even the "naughty" kid or the kids with special needs (we are given a list from teachers) they are so happy to be given the opportunity to be themselves. There is no right or wrong answer.
Everyone is happy in my classes. YEs some kids fidget, and so does my DH. But mentally wise, you see difference of course, but why is it acceptable to have difference in the way we are outside (short, tall, slim, large, blond, dark, large nose, ...) but inside we MUST be one type only. Ridiculous.

Schools expect one type of child only. Who sits still and shuts up for many years. Easy for the quiet ones, a bit hard for the other. IF you add to that the equations the neurological impact of screens, it is even harder.

Give some freedom and space to your DS. What would he like to eat for dinner, you pick. Have a chat with him. Tell him that recently there is much fun in the house, a lot of tension, discussions, and a lot of tensions and discussions around the PS4 and you don't like that and that for two weeks, we will put it in the attic, and I will put my phone/pc in a bag after work and in weekend, and we will use this time to be together and even have fun. HE can decide.
I used to do the reading marathons with mine. We would go to the library and take the max amount of comics, books, stop at the lollies shop and buy a bag each, and spend 2 hours in my bed al together, reading books about jokes, heroes, and no I didn't care about the sugar because it was once per month.
In my experience, you can't reduce addictions, so having less PS4 could bring more discussions, than none of it. But every family is different.
Covid of course, makes everything so much mire complicated.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/11/2020 23:01

This is such an amazing thread
OP my son is like yours also
There is a lot of value to what’s been said and posted here by PP

With mine I’ve started a parenting course to help me learn some skill sets , I’m a single parent and I need help
I’ve also started my son again in
Counselling
With both our boys , and all the kids I hope this is a phase to get through

Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/11/2020 23:02

You need to consider that a child is constantly told what to do. All day long, when to get up, what to eat, what to wear (uniforms), when to talk, when to move from class to playground, then home again,... you can never do what you want. Day after day

Thanks 🙏
This does help explain the drastic MH reduction since school started

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