Help! Found Porn on 12 year olds phone

[Rosauk]

I am still in so much shock, this evening I found out (by checking sons phone) that he had signed up to Instagram. My son is 12 and he is not allowed social media. Once I opened the app I found porn on their. Not only porn but I believe he even messaged the porn site. He has asked them if they liked a computer game. I am so upset and shocked at his behaviour. We have had all the talks previously at home and we are an open family. What I am so very upset with is he opened the account and viewed such disturbing videos when I have tried to protect him from all of those types of things. Please any advice would be greatly appreciated and needed.
What do I do?

First, you need to calm down. Curiosity about sex is completely normal at his age. Secondly, you need to talk to him about what you found and what porn is. How it's damaging, not real life, and how real life people can be exploited by it. It may be a tough conversation, but one that needs to be had and more than once. I'm sure there is loads of great advice about how to discuss this online.

Third, you may need to consider that a 12 having a cell phone is not a great idea, and/or much stringent rules need to be put in place.

Yes thank you. I got him a phone just before secondary school and I thought that he understood what was right and the things that are inappropriate. I would prefer he did not have a phone with internet but I use a app to see when he gets to school and home because I am at work. Now I don’t feel having a smart phone is appropriate at the moment. I have ordered a non smart Nokia for him for emergencies. I’m so upset about this all. I would of thought 12 is so very young to be even thinking about sex.

Many (most?) 12-year-olds are endlessly curious about sex. But the consequences of access to extreme often violent porn are incredibly worrying.

Here’s some links to help you:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/aug/31/how-to-talk-to-teenagers-about-porn?fbclid=IwAR3crJ70LKHCkBdZtebo75WC8dbjLCcDQ2NkOzr_CU4nLia70nzm_3fBjMg

www.echildhood.org/resources_for_parents_of_teens?fbclid=IwAR0MBYtbhINZZPrTEanq6wTeh9y1rRfLXuRbv6t9tx0dBO5QC0L9xh-p4Cg

www.echildhood.org/conversation?fbclid=IwAR32CJOb5PwsuQcogn7gdT1xL9P7LL0WEhD5n5kyLtNf4frJXL5F5zJn5uI

May be start here: www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-asia-53103684

I would of thought 12 is so very young to be even thinking about sex.

12 year olds are very much thinking about sex, in an abstract, innocent way. It's completely normal curiosity. Have you not already discussed sex and biology at all?

There’s no porn on Instagram. Well it’s against their filtering at least,

He’s 12, hormones kicking in, discovering things. What would you prefer he do with his urges? That’s genuine, not factious? X . .

This was for sure porn, mostly women clearly taking part in porn but with the male covered. I saw porn sites on the feed and in the following section.

I have spoken to him about sex and growing up. As we are open in my home we talk openly about things which is why I was so disappointed to find he had an Instagram account and it had porn on there. I have given him my trust because there hasn’t been reason not to but I’m just very shocked he would have this app and be clearly watching porn.

I understand he is growing up but I still think 12 years is extremely young. He is still taking his baby toy to bed with him so I’m just so shocked.

Please work on being less shocked. What he has done isn't shocking at all, and if you don't get a bit of a grip about this you are going to harm your relationship with him.

He can be emotionally young and sexually curious at the same time, very few children develop "evenly" as it were.

Change the phone choice and be open with him about pornography and how it can be a distorted way of learning about sex. Make sure he has multiple more appropriate sources to learn from. And please expect him to wank to pics of pretty girls. It would be really unusual for a 12yo not to have started masturbating btw.

I found porn on my 11 year old's phone, only a month after starting secondary. I had been meaning to talk to him about porn as I know kids are exposed to it really young these days. The average age of first exposure to it is something shockingly low like 10 years old IIRC. I hadn't though as I hadn't found the words. I didn't want to make him aware of it and curious about it if he'd not even heard of it.

It really worries me as porn is so violent these days and teaches boys to think that abusive practices are normal.

But I do also understand that DS has started puberty and it's natural for him to be curious about sex.

I asked him how he found out about porn and he told me another boy at school showed it to him. I told him he wasn't in trouble but made it clear that this was his only chance, that porn was 100% not acceptable. I told him about how the people in the films were acting and how porn is often made by criminals who are horrible to the women in it. That the women are made to pretend that are having fun but a actually a lot of them are not and that it's really important he knows that porn is not real sex. I spoke about how watching porn can give young boys and girls ideas about sex that are incorrect and can hurt them.

I said it's normal to be curious about sex which is why he's not in trouble this time, but that the people who make porn are not to be trusted.

I explained that it's our job as parents to protect him from this and that's why we'll be adding a child safe filter to his phone. And that if we ever find it again, he'll lose all his devices. DP put this on his phone, any website it thinks might be dodgy have to be cleared by us before they'll open. I can find out the name if you like.

He also has to give us his phone before going to bed, he's not allowed it in his room at night.

I thought about how I found out about sex as a pre-teen and it was through reading Judy Blume (Forever) and Just 17 with my friends. I said reading about sex and other issues in books written for kids his age is fine and we'd try to find some age appropriate young adult books for him.

I asked him if he'd understood the images he'd seen and he said they were weird. I think he was a bit relieved they were acting And he wasn't disappointed I was telling him not to look at them.

I'm really glad we were able to have the chat. It was really positive.

Bottom line, I understand he was curious and that's natural. But it's my job to protect him and he understands that. I also hope that by being honest with him and not making him feel he was in terrible trouble, we've opened up communication on this.

Sorry I should have said, the porn I found on my DS's phone was one of the major porn sites, it was graphic, hard core porn, not just pics of pretty girls.

According to most surveys they find 50%+ of children age 11 to 13 have seen porn, and recently a survey found of this age group 20% of them were deliberately going to find porn to watch online (as opposed to stumbling across it). So, shocking, yes - but surprising, no.

The NSPCC website has a really sensible helpful section on kids watching porn, why they do it, how to control and prevent it and how to talk to them about it.

Good luck, I think nearly all parents face this these days so don't panic. xx

So he knew I had seen his phone this morning. I told him that I was disappointed that he had lied and signed up to Instagram when I explained why he couldn’t.
I told him that he isn’t in trouble for being curious but that I’m unhappy with the lies regarding Instagram. I have taken it off his phone. I have ordered him a non smart phone which is coming on Wednesday which he will have instead of his phone. It’s sounds like many other children his age are doing the same thing. It was so shocking because I’m still buying him 9 year old clothing because she so tiny still and he sleeps with his soft toys still. I expected to see games I won’t allow not porn. Thank you so much for all your advice I very much needed this.

Definitely get a parent app like Qustodio or Safe Lagoon !

I’m dreading all of this with DS but I just wanted to add that my DD is 11 and has her own phone with Instagram. It was on the condition that I have all of her log in details and I keep her Instagram logged in on my phone so I get her instant notifications. Explained that this was for her safety. We also have family link as her phone is android so I can set limits, lock it after a certain time and check what apps she’s using - she also can’t download any apps without my permission. This way she can still have her phone in her room at night to use as an alarm etc in the morning. I saw that you’ve ordered him a non smart phone which is great but thought this may be useful for the future.

Thank you so much.
I downloaded an app which allows me to see what he is looking at so I can bar certain things such as porn. I tried to speak with him about it after I settled from the shock. I have allowed him to have his phone but he must hand it over to me every evening. I’m trying to allow him to grow but hopefully in the safest way. It’s just so shocking when you see that kind of stuff on your child’s phone when he is so young. Thank you again.

@Rosauk

Thank you so much. I downloaded an app which allows me to see what he is looking at so I can bar certain things such as porn. I tried to speak with him about it after I settled from the shock. I have allowed him to have his phone but he must hand it over to me every evening. I’m trying to allow him to grow but hopefully in the safest way. It’s just so shocking when you see that kind of stuff on your child’s phone when he is so young. Thank you again.

How's it working out so far?

I’m in my 20s and I first came across porn at the age of 10 on the computer, and from watching late night TV. (I didn’t get a mobile phone till 12, which was obviously very basic in those days so couldn’t have watched it on it anyway)

It’s normal to be curious at his age, but it must be a lot harder for parents of pre teens now, as it’s so much easier to access it with smart phones. Plus a lot more hardcore videos out there

Just seen your update post op, and I think you took the right approach. Hope it all works out

Thank you all for your support when I was pacing the floor with despair. I’m making sure we remain open and calm without the fear look appearing when he brings anything up related the sex. I have an app on my phone so I can see what he goes on to and nothing has happened since. Thank you all!

Hello I too recently found porn on my 11 year old sons phone. It shocked me and made me feel sick. They are our innocent little boys so to think of them sitting there watching that is disturbing. At the same time, I understand he is learning about it at school, is going to be naturally curious as are most boys that age (even though it does seem very young). Main thing is to explain it’s not normal sex - it’s extreme on these sites. Also parental controls added now which I should have done from before x

It's a real issue with the sheer volume of media . Everything. Xbox, netflix, TV, social media. So much. I've had an issue like this, it wasn't quite porn but nearly?! Thing is they're too young to regulate/impulse control etc and they're going to be curious. And it won't be long before they do see it, from other teenagers and so on. I think the only answer is parental controls,limits. I've been talking about this with friends with older teens and it's amazing the tricks they get up to trying to get round said limits! They live in a digital age. Literally saturated with digital/media options. The only thing we can do is firewall everything / share accounts / get all the possible parental controls out there.

Consider getting a contract rather than pay as you go too if youre PAYG as providers can also put blocks on content. So eg Vodafone know my Ds' age so block it from their end too.

Some apps like tiktok have a share account function and restricted mode that you control from your phone. Also time limits for apps. We have a real laugh at some tiktoks, seriously, some are really funny, and nothing terrible comes up on his feed. When he first got it, I spent half an hour on it - his - it was a bit wild west as it were lol - and out of about 30 tiktoks, 3 were what I would call actually inappropriate so I was like no way, but now his is linked to my account he gets all the animal ones, dancing, kids, families, sport, snow etc and we do laugh. I've had to get into it too, but actually out of all the social medias it's the funniest and I like the fact it's not all ya perfect insta etc. Each to their own though.

Total minefield

The Google family link function is apparently good
Xbox has many parental controls, Microsoft have a family safety app - can control time limits, apps, content, block their accounts entirely (!). All from ur phone.