Yr 8 dd (12), depression?

[DiddlySquatty]

Dd is really struggling. Very down, but withdrawn. Says she hates school. She’s doing fine with the work and has made friends although her little group of 4 girls can be a bit up and down.
She’s talked about feeling down all the time and not knowing why, not wanting to feel this way
Feeling trapped in her life
Not wanting to ‘be here’
She has always struggled with getting to sleep and struggles to drop off, she also often wakes up early and can’t get back to sleep so is inevitably feeling tired all the time.
She has generally managed to put a brave face on things at school and resisted my suggestion to speak to someone in pastoral care, but today she started crying and spoke to a teacher who suggested she might have depression.
She has also been getting a bit of talking support through a local youth club.
She’s told her close friends about it and is now feeling they think she’s ‘doing it for attention’.
I remember feeling a bit similar in yr 7 & 8. She hasn’t started her period yet.

Should we speak to the gp?
Will they suggest anything other than trying to talk to someone, which is what we’re doing?
Do they ever medicate 12yo for depression?
Does this sound like it’s within the ‘normal’ range for puberty or something more?
Any experience or advice gratefully received.
She said today was the worst day of her life.
After she cried in PE one her her “friends” called her a crybaby

A hopeful bump...

My son struggled with hormones in year 8 think it can be a difficult age / year and this particular year has to be one of the worst?
I do think it’s worth speaking to Gp but I would say unlikely to medicate at her age.
The sleep sounds like an issue - obvious I guess but does she wind down from social media, ensure no stimulants a good few hours before bed ?
Has she ever experienced stress / trauma ? Trauma isn’t necessarily violence etc it can be emotional / bereavement and loss ? Sometimes unresolved issues can manifest in depression.
I think it’s great she opened up to a teacher and I would to encourage her to talk as much as possible.
Not sure if very helpful but didn’t want to read and run.

Thank you,
Yes it’s true sleep is part of it. I’m also quite a hormonal person and get very affected emotionally by hormones, always have so have bad PMT and got post natal depression.
She could have better sleep hygiene it’s true and she sleeps with a light on because she says she doesn’t like the dark, ive explained that the body responds to darkness which encourages sleep but she insists on having the light.
She is often doing something like a drawing app on her phone in bed which she says is relaxing but it’s not ideal it’s on her phone.
The teacher at school she spoke to has contacted the welfare team so I think they will be in touch.
The teacher told her she mgiht be depressed and I feel she’s latched onto that a bit, I don’t want her to label herself with it really but also don’t want her to feel I’m dismissing it.

She has not had any major stress or trauma I’m aware of, I always thought of her as fairly resilient.
She has always been very bright and able and thinks about things a lot, and has been quite difficult to manage as a younger child because of getting into rages and struggling to handle her emotions

It can't hurt to try healthy lifestyle changes along with some talking therapy. Also give her some help coping with difficult people and assertiveness to help her deal with school friends.

I think getting back to school after the lockdown has been hard on some kids and affected them a lot, so that might come into it too.

Yes sadly she’s wanted to give up everything and isn’t naturally a sporty person. The only thing she still does is ballet and she wants to quit that. I’m trying to persuade her to keep going with it but she’s suddenly got very self conscious. She’s good at coming out for walks at the weekend so we’re trying to do that as much as possible

Poor kid, it’s a hard time for everyone and hormones on top is horrible .

It sounds like you are doing the right things. Does she take a vitamin D supplement? Sounds crazy but vit D affects everything and we should all be taking a Vit D supplement anyway. I’m not saying it’s a cure of course but could be a helpful tiny building block in your approach. Usually magnesium is a good supplement to help sleep but you’d need to check guidelines for a 12yo.

Ok vitamin d, good plan. We can do that

Things are no better here and my dd has had another bad day with her friends/frenemies.
She said when she joined the other 3 for lunch, 2 got up and moved to another table. Her best friend (up till now) apparently tried to get up and follow but there was no space at the other table. Dd thinks she would’ve moved to if she could.
It just breaks my heart.
I suppose the friendship has just broken down and that’s normal but it’s so hard when the 4th person is dds best friend from primary.

I’m literally sitting on my hands trying not to text the other mums - I think I’d want to know if my dd was causing such distress to another child.
But I know really I have to stay out of it 🙁

Oh your poor DD. Mine is the same age, she's struggling with the return to school and hormones. Friendship troubles are awful at that age.

Are there any other girls she gets on ok with that she can try to spend time with? Are you able to suggest getting together with one of them over half term (depending on what covid tier you're in).

Have you tried fairy lights in her room at night. They're much softer that an overhead light and might create a better sleep environment.

Thank you, yes fairy lights are an idea, we can try that.

It’s very hard. I’ve suggested trying to forge friendships with others but she doesn’t want to walk away from her best friend from primary (although now has said this friend also said to her today that Dd shouldn’t cling onto her ‘like a leach’ so not sure that friendship is all that anyway 🙁)

It sounds like there is something going on with her ‘friends’ maybe.

Of course she’s feeling down if she’s getting called a cry baby and saying she’s doing things for attention, she has no friendship support. She needs to find new friends who love her for who she is. Friends are a huge part of being that age - we go from telling our parents everything to confiding in friendships instead. She sounds very lonely.

I’m sorry to hear this, it’s a very painful time of life for some. Big hugs to your DD

Your poor DD, I just want to give you both a hug.

Year 8 is a horrible time for female friendships IME, I remember one of my so called best friends slapping me in the face once at school for no reason. Endless hours after school spent upset and worrying about who wasn’t speaking to who etc.

I think it might help DD to frame it as a difficult situation rather than the problem being her IYSWIM. Situations pass, which is no comfort in the immediate moment but at least remind her that it won’t be like this for ever. I think at that age everything seems to take a monstrously long time and it can be hard to see out.

You say she’s talking to someone - is that counsellor or what?

Does she have friends (or close people eg cousins) who aren’t at the same school? It might help to get her involved in an activity away from school if not. Not having all your eggs in one social basket is important.

And yeah I’d take her phone away at a certain point at night, you just bet the negative stuff she’s hearing all day is carrying on on SM all evening too. Give her a break.

My year 8 son is also having a bad time
Very few friends , HATES school and really unhappy
I’m starting talking therapy Monday which school arranged
If he goes 🙄
It’s really hard and I do think the age , new school , hormones etc
Start with talking therapy and hang on in there
You are not alone
I’m on my knees and started parenting course today also

It's recommended that there is no screen time for an hour before bed as it disrupts their sleep so I'd stop that for a start. I have an app on DS's phone with time limits set so it goes off at 9.15 (he doesn't sleep very early but has a good block after he does go off).

Can you self refer to CAMHS in your area? You can in mine so I did for DS when I felt he was struggling.

Hi

My dd is in a similar situation. Just found out at the weekend all her "friends" had a sleepover without her. She's lucky that she has friends outside of school who are keeping her buoyant but that doesn't help during the school day. I'm encouraging her to recognise this as toxic behaviour and to start strengthening other relationships away from this group whilst not falling out all together.

It's also important it point out to our girls that sometimes it's ok to feel sad and not know why. Those bloody hormones do that to us and just to let it reunites course without reading too much into it. My daughter had a particularly weepy "Identity know whats wrong with me" episodes before her first period.

She also struggles with sleeping. She always. Bit of an overthinker and worrier. We had great success with sleep meditation for kids. There is a company call New horizons...you'll find their stuff on YouTube or amazon music...it may takes a couple of times for her to buy into it but it really helps if she is willing to listen and do what the lady says

Hope any of this helps.

Quite bad for the teacher to diagnose or put a label on it at this stage. Very premature. I think it’s nothing more than the “teen angst” that has commonly been referred to for generations.. hormones and generally having emotional undeveloped brains. Praise her for talking about it but also teach her about puberty and teen brains.