Poison pen letter in dd school tray!

[Lushmetender]

So much for the schools mantra of being kind! Teacher has done the right thing and phoned us up and told us the letter was horrible and unforgivable but how do we help her get over this? She’s had real trouble at school but teachers have always fobbed us up despite having incidents like stopping her from getting outdoor shoes on at playtime, hounding her and mimicking her. Makes my blood boil As I know who they are yet their mothers think their children wouldn’t dream of doing stuff like that and you can’t say anything but smile sweetly at them and say a difficult age. I’m at my wits end. Kids don’t deserve that sort of crap but what can you do??

Had similar issues with DD when younger. It was really hard as DD was often in tears / not wanting to go to school. I hated it as felt so helpless.

Helping DD realise that not everyone is kind and that often we will be subject to nasty behaviour through life helped as well as helping her to realise this behaviour was a reflection on THEM not HER. We also worked on her not letting the kids who did this see they upset her. Modelling kindness in response to hate, helped her disconnect from the nastiness and see this behavior as unacceptable and feel sorry for these children.

It may sound the reverse of what should be done, but I am a big believer we can only control our own reactions and behavior in life. Resilience is key in life and never too early to develop. Helped in the end to feel strong enough to endure the nastiness to the point it was like water off of duck's back (took time to get to this point). She's now very happy socially, balanced and confident.

I think the post above is very wise.

It’s primary? Secondary is very often better - bigger pool - you can find your tribe. It’s shit when they have horrid peers - I moved one of mine for similar and that worked too.

Yes, rightly or wrongly, we can't control other's actions only our own. Helping her to learn to cope with these situations will be far more useful than demanding or expecting something is done.

That sounds horrible. I am so sorry.
If you know who the kids are, do you have any evidence? If so I definitely wouldn't be 'smiling sweetly and saying it's a difficult age'. I would be noting each incident in a log eg. Weds 5th Sep, x child and x child stole DD's outside shoes and so she couldn't play outside. Even if it's her word against theirs, having a huge long list and dates and times is quite persuasive that something is definitely going on. I would then ask the school to put in writing what they are doing to combat the bullying . . . . I would make sure I always referred to it as bullying and keep referencing the log of incidents. Also, surely the teacher will know the hand-writing of the poison-pen letter? This is a serious incident. I would get an assurance that the child has been spoken to. I would take it to the head if I wasn't happy. If I knew who the child was (and I would pressure the teacher to tell me) I would contact the parents and share some of the content of the letter and how it made DD feel, and how serious an incident I believe this to be. Essentially OP, take courage and be relentless and note everything meticulously - with the teacher, with the head and with other parents if needs be, until this stops. Use language like 'bullying', like 'significant concerns for my DD's mental health', like 'ongoing concerns around DD's safety at the school' etc etc. Good luck!

ps. this can all be done at the same time as working on DD's resilience. However I really believe (and I think evidence shows) that being passive in these situations just encourages the bully and builds their confidence to bully others. There is a difference between being kind and being passive. Being resilient is also about being able to set boundaries and call out unacceptable behaviour . . . . which is important because your DD might come across unacceptable behaviour in friendships, romantic relationships and at work, and it's best if she remembers that you acted like it wasn't OK and she didn't just need to learn to ignore it.

Thx not sure if teacher knows whose handwriting it was but the teacher had the assistant head talking to the whole class to say it was unacceptable. Not sure it’s done much as she said one of the boys told her today that one of the girls (she used to be best friends with In the early years) totally hated her and her other friend she has started to play with a bit more confirmed it. But again all hearsay but obviously bothering her as she mentioned it to her dad on way home From school.

Teachers have got her to join a friendship circle and they’ve suggested going to this youth trust group for a few weeks which will help in relationship building. Sadly think the damage is done and not sure she’ll get much more in terms of girls being nicer her to her in this class.