Normal preteen behaviour?

[Strawberry33]

My son, just turned 11, was extremely well behaved as a child. Recently it’s like someone swapped him for an angry moody emotional other child. He can’t take perceived criticism, gets angry over nothing, and has angry outbursts.
I’ve changed my behaviour and am spending much more time with him, getting him to talk, teaching him to try and calm down and making sure we go for a run everyday.
He will swear at me, cal me names.and slam doors, possibly throw something, then apologise after. I remain calm. I haven’t really punished him so far while I investigate what’s going on and because I’m worried this could be a mental illness as he said he can’t control it. This is new to me as both my Boys have always been good. He could be more attentive at school but he doesn’t act up. He has fallen out with a friend for being nasty. Tbh I’m a little bit scared and my anxiety is really causing me to see this as something very worrying

Please

Has he just started High School?
Illness is less likely than puberty, bit of stress with school.
Your tactics sound pretty good, exercise, dialogue, compassion, but I think I would add in a few boundaries around the name calling and slamming about. Personally I wouldn't take any amount of being called names and would be expecting a very quick apology and turnaround for that.

Hi My Son is going through something similar. He was and still is very well behaved but we are having moments of slamming doors saying ' I hate you' etc. I'm putting it down to hormones and stress of starting secondary school. He is also very tired all the time where he used to have so much energy.

Very likely testosterone and puberty onset.

He’s just started high school yes. But it’s very chilled out due to covid and he’s enjoying it mostly.
It’s just little things are suddenly so irritating to him and he gets so frustrated- today it was getting his coat on and he got really frustrated and swore 🤦‍♀️

Sounds like he is under stress. It could be starting secondary school but might be worth trying to find out if it's something else? Has anything changed. Is he making friends? Has he stopped taking part in regular sport club etc . You might have to be clever how you up pick it. I find easier to talk to my son in the cat or on a long walk - there is something about not facing each other but be side by side that helps him open up more. X

Car not cat! And unpick not up pick.

Tiredness and hormones, I would think. Yes, the start to secondary has been a little easier to handle than usual (teachers coming to them rather than traipsing round the school) but the huge gap in their routines for the last six months means they're all getting back in the swing of things.

Coupled with hormonal changes at this age, and he's probably gutted his friend has fallen out with him.
Zero tolerance on the rudeness, but lots of tlc too.

I’d say he’s probably tired and a bit overwhelmed with starting secondary. I wouldn’t want to label him as having mental illness on the back of what you’ve described.

Secondary changes them. They need to find their feet and this can take time. Parents also go from being someone to look up to, to someone who is mostly annoying and out of touch with their lives (this is what they all think, don’t take it personally).

I’d pull him up on the swearing and rudeness, but pick you battles, don’t turn things into a fight unnecessarily.

Mine is being a bit the same. Not quite as extreme (though my DD was worse than your DC at this age - everyone's different).

My tactic is to talk to them when they are calm - e.g. over an ice cream, slice of cake - and gently encourage them to open up to you.

Thanks everyone I’m hoping it’s hormones. Will try your suggestions xxx

Ok well yesterday was a really bad evening.. 😥 son lost control over something so small and starting hitting me. I stayed completely calm and loving and did everything I know I should plus put consequences in place. But it’s scary and I’m so sad and worried.
We have a therapy session starting tomorrow. The worst bit is how upset he is when he loses control.

Things will change. All stages in a child’s life are just a stage. Somewhere along the line this stage will go away to be replaced by another. Perhaps your ds is acting this way because your he is going through some big and scary changes. It could be puberty or something to do with school for example. The therapist will help to get him the bottom of it. In the meantime, if this happens again, talk to your ds about what “we do” and how “we act” as a family.

Oh Strawberry that sounds awful. Obviously he should never hit you. I hope your therapy session goes well today.

@Strawberry33 , I don't agree with pp minimising your boy's state of mind. An 11yo hitting you is serious ( l had some awful times with one of my kids ) and you're taking it seriously. I hope the therapy gives you both some serious help.

[quote Footle]@Strawberry33 , I don't agree with pp minimising your boy's state of mind. An 11yo hitting you is serious ( l had some awful times with one of my kids ) and you're taking it seriously. I hope the therapy gives you both some serious help. [/quote]
No one is minimising the boy’s state of mind fgs. It’s called reassuring a very anxious woman. She only has 24 hours to wait before starting on the journey to fix whatever is going wrong. Just because we haven’t used the word serious 3 times in as many lines, it doesn’t mean anyone is blasé. Your post otoh is catastrophising. A bit like op really.

My dd is 12 and yr8. Children become a bag of hormones at around this age. Many can be seen crying at the drop of a hat and upset over things, which would have not concerned them in the same way a few months before.

@Strawberry33 , if I made you feel worse. It wasn't my intention.

Thanks everyone. We have made some progress it seems. He is continuing counselling but now will go to his room a bit more reliably when getting angry. He doesn’t call me names as much and we’ve not had a meltdown like that since I last posted. I’ve identified that he feels pressure a lot- like time keeping ect and he worries about being late ect.. so he then gets worked up. I’m praising him a lot for all the progress he is making.
I’m still struggling convincing myself all will be ok though.. :-/

Strawberry, you are clearly a loving and concerned parent and that in itself will go a long, long way.

These are hard years for young men. They are under pressure from school, peers, family, social media, themselves... like we all are as adults, but we forget that our youngsters don't have the life experience to cope with everything.

You sound as though as you are both learning good coping strategies, and offering a loving and listening ear when it's needed.

Singing sands- thank you 😊 I’m hoping it’s enough x