You're only as happy as your least happy child

[hippospot]

Year six DS hates school - always has done if I'm honest. Is struggling with going back to full-time school after lockdown, as I anticipated. I also anticipated year six would be hard for him - so much emphasis on tests and practising for SATs.

He's able academically, but doesn't want to work. Hates being told what to do. Is disruptive in class. Would prefer to sit and read (escapism) but if he does that he isn't participating or learning.

We've had OT assessment (nothing major to report) and for a while he had a counsellor. Definitely struggles with his feelings, asking for help, he bottles everything up. We really try to model things like talking about our feelings, it's ok to be angry/sad/frustrated etc.

Anyone had a child like this who blossomed in secondary? I'm pinning my hopes on this. We do our best to be understanding and encouraging, lots of talking and positive reinforcement.

We studiously avoid using the L word (lazy) but it does seem to boil down to him not wanting to do the damned work.

Anyone got any encouragement/positive stories to share please? I'm so miserable seeing my son unhappy at school.

My son struggled both primary and secondary. Was called lazy. Bright but didn't cope in school setting. He's 18 now and doing music at college. Much happier than doing a levels and happier full stop now school is over.

@gluteustothemaximus that's quite encouraging thank you. I do feel once he can be in a less structured environment doing what he loves he'll be happier. But in the meantime we have 8 more years of school to get through! Getting him through that with mental health intact (his and ours) is my primary concern.

Were you able to channel his energies into music while your DS was still at school? Did he manage to do enough work to not jeopardise his future? Do you have any advice for me? Thank you

This is a really hard one to be honest. Mental health is everything, and when he was taking his GCSE's and teachers were on his back 24/7 and also calling me in all the time as he wasn't doing enough 'despite being bright' - I did get a call from pastoral team to say they'd taken him to the GP as he wanted to commit suicide

I'm sorry to be doom and gloom, when you probably want to hear good things, but this was how it was for us. He was very unhappy for a time, pressure of school, structure, hated what he was studying, didn't see the point in it etc and also really really didn't want to start a levels, but did anyway. Dropped these and as I say, now doing music.

He passed all his GCSE's very well, despite the teachers telling him he was a waste of space (that was the head!!!!) Got several 6's, 7's and a few 5's. So I do regret sanctions we put in place (at teacher's instruction) which made him unhappy

If you can't home school, try to tell him that it won't be forever. That you understand school isn't easy, that the system isn't easy, that he doesn't have to get straight 9's and passes are fine. Tell him the next stage will be so much better (doesn't have to do a levels) and he can choose something that he's really interested in, and will be treated more like a grown up.

There are always several paths in life, but school seems to be one path only.

He never did music at school, he's a gamer, and has always loved listening to music, so he's gone down the mixing/production side.

Keep talking. Keep engaging. Maybe find something that interests him to get him through? A hobby or after school thing? Sport?

Good luck x

@gluteustothemaximus thank you for sharing your experience.

Forewarned is forearmed and I can easily imagine my son in similar circumstances. We will do all we can to support him in the coming years so that he can emerge at the other side "unscathed" by the school experience. It's clearly not the best environment for every child.

I don't think homeschooling would be best for him however as he has lovely friends and is popular and these are such big pluses. And I'm really not able to do it either.

You’re very welcome. Friends are a massive plus. My son didn’t really make any friends throughout school so that was also tricky.

Hopefully he can keep his friends as he moves to secondary? Mine didn’t know anyone and it was hard. Check out how good pastoral support is at secondary he will attend. That is v important, and also keep school informed of your worries. I work in a school and this info really helps when looking out for the students x

He will go to the same secondary as his friends and the school does have good pastoral support. It is also a STEM school and this is ideal as he main interests are technology and DT.

Thanks for your advice.