11 year old morning routine- help! He's so disorganised

[sunshine05]

So my 11 year old has just started secondary school and we're constantly nagging him in the mornings. To the point now where hubby and I have had a big argument about it. He constantly nags him saying 'why are you being so slow, hurry up' to the point where he told him to shut up- I don't blame him tbh! So then hubby took away his xbox priviledges for being rude. He has to do his own lunchbox but I helped him a bit and hubby says I'm molycoddling him. He's had 4 detentions from 4 teachers in 1 day due to forgetting his pencil case- which I think is a bit harsh- detentions in my day were only for proper bad behaviour etc. But anyway, how can I get him to be more organised? Hubby suggests we just say nothing then and let him fail/be late and he'll learn the consequences. I get how that could work but I'm sure there's a more 'helpful' approach, surely???

Yes he does need to learn to be more self-sufficient, but he's only 11 years old not 18! He's just started secondary school which is all new and scary - and in the midst of a crazy pandemic no less!

I think a gentle helping hand for the first few months is absolutely fine. Kids don't learn by being thrown in the deep end, they need gentle guidance. Suggest to him that he packs and prepares as much as you can the night before, then work out a schedule for what he needs to do in the morning and what he needs to remember that he can refer to.

Suggest to him useful ideas like two pencil cases, one that stays in his schoolbag and one he uses for homework. Preparing as much as his lunch as he came the night before.

It's all new routine for him, give him a chance. Your DH sounds like a bit of a bully.

yy to everything done the night before. Packed lunch made, school bag packed, cross checking which subjects he has to ensure hes not forgotten anything, uniform laid out ..... once everything is done he can go on the Xbox or watch tv or whatever his usual activities are.

I'm with the everything ready the night before brigade the less he has to think about in the morning the better.

Check list: Bag, pencil case, packed lunch, filled water bottle, PE kit if needed that day, all books required.

All can be packed the night before, and take lunchbox and water bottle from fridge when getting milk for cereal.

Get him doing the same each evening and morning and it will become a habit.

My resort has been to do everything for my 12 year old. I know I shouldn't, but I have enough with nagging him to get up and ready, to get dressed, remember to put on deodorant. I still have to do his hair, I make his lunch and pack his stuff, make his breakfast. Have to look out and iron all uniform and P.E kit and remind him to take it, give him a mask every morning at the moment, do his tie, sometimes even look out clean boxers and socks. I also do it all for the 6 year old while working from home in the morning. It still ends up a fight and a nagging marathon most mornings, and god forbid dp is here because he just shouts and nags from the minute they wake up till the minute they leave. As you can see I have no advice because I'm doing it all wrong, but you're not alone.

4 detentions in a day for forgetting a pencil case is ridiculous though. Thats being punished for the same thing 4 times!

I have been known, as a 50+ year old adult, to put post it notes on the front door of things I need to take with me when I go out.

I also leave my bag so I can't get out the door without tripping over it.

I agree with do lunch, bag, uniform the night before.

Have a timetable up for anything you or dh need to do or ds can't do alone eg washing PE kit, taking in letters to school, cooking ingredients.

Do you have alexa? If you do then set reminders on that, if you don't then consider getting one, it doesn't matter if he tells alexa to shut up.

My DS is like this so you have my sympathy OP.

Like PP, we prep everything the night before: school bag, packed lunch, uniform, socks, pants shoes, charge phone Then the mornings are kind of regimented: call DS, give him breakfast 30 minutes. Bathroom 5 minutes. Dressed 15 minutes. That leaves us some time before he has to leave.

I've put a checklist on the front door so another check there for things like lunch, bus money, glasses, PE/art stuff. He has an pencil case for art, another for maths and a third general one.

It sounds like a lot of faff but it really isnt and it has made mornings a lot less stressful for all of us.

High Schools often dish out detention like mad at first as it does help reinforce the message. It's actually a really steep learning curve from Primary and maybe I am soft, but I would help him more.
My DD usually has school bought lunches but what is now on offer she won't eat, so I've been making her lunch.
Get it all ready the night before. DD has her blazer and tie on a hanger so just has to grab clean trousers and blouse. I make sure she has clean masks ready.
We have a large plastic box which her schoolbag goes into, she keeps all her work folders in there too and puts the right ones in her bag the night before.
Having a pencil case that never leaves your bag is a good idea and some seperate ones at home for homework.
She also uses her phone to set reminders for things like getting her planner signed.

He needs a routine of everything the night before. Have a checklist next to his timetable. Separate pencil case for school and home so it doesn't get forgotten.

In these early days, maybe he needs to show you or DH to check he's got everything before he gets Xbox time or something.

If he refuses, then yes, he needs the consequences from school. Feel free to email the form tutor or head of year and explain your strategy. They'll appreciate the united front and can factor this in if they have to discuss further detentions with your son.

The detentions are in place to help. If you can't hold a year 7 to be conscientious enough to pack their bag for school, you sure as shite won't persuade them to do it in year 10.

does he wear a blazer? get him to keep a pen inside that. They will be extra strict at the start to try and scare the kids into doing things right but also at the moment they aren't allowed to borrow things from each other or the school (certainly at our school) so no pen means he can't write at all. At least if he has one in his blazer he might get told off for ONLY having a pen but he can still do most of his work. Mine leave their pencil cases in their bags and use another pen etc at home.

Yes get bag sorted the night before with timetable in hand to check everything needed is in there, including PE stuff, technology or art aprons etc. Get drink bottle filled and in fridge with packed lunch the night before so it is quick to grab in the morning. Also to start with I don't think it is unreasonable to have a quick check list next to the door (MASK, phone, key, bus card, watch, pen, lunch, drink, glasses or whatever are his key things to remember)

We have plastic folders for each subject as I think it makes it easier. So anything for that subject is in the one labelled folder and all they need to do is look at their timetable and put the right folder in their bag. If all homework goes in the folder straight away (should there be anything on paper but I think most stuff will be online now) then it won't be forgotten

It is hard to work out how to keep on top of things, he is only 11 and he needs to get used to it.

also with masks - my girls take reusable ones (that makes it sound like we have been doing this for ages but obviously we are just getting used to it) so when they come in from school they take out their used one and put it for washing when they take out their lunchbox and bottle. Then after washing their hands they put a clean one in their blazer pocket. Inside their blazer they also have 2 disposable ones in case they forget or lose one or the elastic breaks or something.

Like pp's, we do everything the night before. Ds2 has Just started secondary, fortunately he is very organised.

he comes home, does his homework, puts old school bags books away and then he gets his timetable and re-packs his bag with all these books for the next day. he then makes his lunch. put his dirty clothes in the washing basket and gets out a shirt, boxers and socks ready for the next day. makes sure he's got PE kit/ football kit or anything he needs, so he's basically ready to go, the night before.

I agree with everything ready the night before.
My 12 year old manages everything with a phone calendar - it has school timetable on it as well, so everything to pack is there in one place.
I would say it's fine to get them to be independent, but we need to give them the tools to do it - routines, checklists and ways to manage time. Agree with doing everything the night before.

One thing that made a massive difference when Dc was in the same position last year was setting the alarm to wake up 15 minutes earlier. It totally revolutionised being able to be ready on time and made mornings calm instead of stressed.

On a calm day ask him to reflect on all the things he needs to do to get ready for school, and how long each takes.

Get him to write out a list of what he needs to do in what order (as some tasks are contingent on others being done)

Get him to think about how long each takes takes and assign a time each needs to start to be ready to leave in time (you can suggest adding some extra buffer time just in case, plus he can think about what tasks he can do the night before eg gathering up all his homework, exercise books and pencil case into his school bag and putting it by the front door)

Make up a visual time table on some large pieces of paper and stick up around the house and in his room

All him how he thinks a good way to get reminded us. Hopefully he will come up with setting alarms on electronic devices. Help him set up these alarms.

Let him know that you are willing to help if he realises that he is running behind in the morning - he can give you a code word to avoid attracting the ire of his father

This would be much more effective that telling him what to do as this way he is 90% in control of the process (or so he will feel) and invested

I have 11 year old twins and one is less organised than the other.
We have routines that help - set time for getting up, bathroom time and breakfast etc this was decided between the two of us but I don't prompt it's up to him to organise self. I just showed him how to organise himself.
Everything that can be done the night before is done.
When he gets home from school he gets changed, has a snack and drink. Then he checks the school app for homework and before he relaxes packs his bag for next day, makes lunch and drinks pops them in the fridge.
He has his keys and bus pass on a lanyard attached in his backpack.
Pencil case never leaves his backpack so he's always got it.
We started implementing things in year 6 prempting secondary school and he's now quite independent.

thanks for all the replies! Some really useful suggestions here!! x

whathappenedtothelego setting his alarm 15 mins early may be a good idea! He has 1 hour 15 at the moment in the mornings which should be enough!! He's just so slow....walking down the stairs....does something....walks upstairs....comes downstairs....gets distracted....walks upstairs. Instead of just putting all his clothes on and coming down in a quick manner! It's painful to watch! and this is what drives DH to distraction as he's very efficient, organised and quick to do things. I did point out to him that constantly telling his son off isn't helping it's just making it worse!!

at the moment he's refusing to pack his bag completely the night before- I don't know why- so stubborn. And is still doing his lunchbox the morning of school. He is busy though, often having sports clubs and getting back late and then just needs to go to bed....

sashh using alexa is a great idea! I'll see if we can put some reminders on there, thanks