My baby is so sad

[funtimefrank]

She's almost 11, just gone into year 6.

She's always struggled with friendships. She is popular enough in that people talk to her but she's never had a close friendship group and the problem has got worse as she's got older.

She's a bit quirky - tomboy, a bit immature and too full on and we've tried so hard to help her with that last bit but it's not helping and at this stage of primary it kind of is what it is.

She's so sad. She is a twin and her sister is much more popular. They were in separate classes but have been out back together for bubble purposes and she feels even more inadequate as the person she hoped would be her friend has basically dumped her for her sister. No one contacted her through lock down although she did meet up with friends who as predominantly her sisters mates.

She's sad and anxious and bottles up her feelings. She's also going through puberty so has all that shit to go through. School is aware and are helpful but she puts on a brave face so pretends it's not that bad.

We've been trying to intro her to clubs, encourage her to join in a bit more (she's welcome in group games, like I say she's not unpopular) but it doesn't help.

I am crossing everything that she'll find her tribe at secondary and I try so hard to be there for her but I can't make it better.

Any suggestions very very welcome.

I would forget about the friends issue and focus wholly on building her confidence in her skills and talents.

Children (especially girls) who are confident have a much easier time socially.

What special talent or interest has she got? When my older DD had issues at school, I went in hard and spent a lot of time encouraging her artistic skills.

She attended classes and I also entered her work in competitions. She won one and it gave her a massive boost.

They need to feel that they have a place in society and when those friendship issues come along, they often feel displaced.

That is actually great advice. She's a mixture of very confident and very anxious (similar to her dad).

She's sporty. We should push that much more I think.

How about sending her to her local athletics club, sometimes people find there best mate for a club and not from school.

My best friend I meet at 12 was not a my school we meet at youth club, we just clicked. Neither of us had a best friend at our schools, plenty of mates but not a bestie.

Oh poor soul. I was just like her at primary. Luckily I had a girl in my class who was just as quirky as me, and we were best friends. We were very much isolated from the rest of the class though.

She will find a tribe at secondary, I'm sure. I certainly did. For now though I agree with PP, build her confidence and encourage her to be bond more with her sister's friends. They should warm up to her.

I am crossing everything that she'll find her tribe at secondary

I do think this is very likely and what generally happens OP, so that's a blessing. She sounds a lot like my friends at school!

Could she try out for a sports team?

Some great advice here but I just wanted to add that I was very similar at primary school but secondary school made all the difference - I met my best friend there and we are still best friends 25 years later.

Hi I would echo everyone's advice, but just wanted to reassure you that I have an 11 year old DD who sounds very similar. She is bright, kind, and always has people to play with, but struggles to maintain a lasting friendship group. She too can be a bit full on and has a tendency to over invest in friendships which I think girls find suffocating. Her younger sister is very popular and always getting invited to stuff, which makes it hard.

Not sure why I'm posting other than to say you are not alone and I know how you feel! We try our best to spend time talking through how to deal with friendship issues. We also focus on her outside interests

I don’t really know what you mean by too full on but all I would say is she shouldn’t have to change herself to fit in.

I think people find their tribes at different times in their lives. And that’s ok.

She’s not being isolated or left out as such, which is a bit of a positive. But I absolutely think you should push the sports more for a whole host of reasons!

Good luck to her and to you.

Thanks all - @horsesforcoursess that sounds very similar!

The full on thing is about personal space really - she still wants to hug everyone all the time.

She's a very affectionate kid and I am incredibly aware of not trying to change her because she's wonderful but she just hasn't picked up in boundaries well despite us trying really hard with her. When she gets angry she lashed out physically too and we've been working super hard on that.

Really appreciate the advice. She's such a gorgeous kid in so many ways I just want things to be a bit easier for her.

@funtimefrank

Thanks all - *@horsesforcoursess* that sounds very similar!

The full on thing is about personal space really - she still wants to hug everyone all the time.

She's a very affectionate kid and I am incredibly aware of not trying to change her because she's wonderful but she just hasn't picked up in boundaries well despite us trying really hard with her. When she gets angry she lashed out physically too and we've been working super hard on that.

Really appreciate the advice. She's such a gorgeous kid in so many ways I just want things to be a bit easier for her.

Ah gotcha!

That is difficult at that age but it sounds like you’re doing everything you can to guide her through that.

Honestly, the sport thing is probably the easiest and best solution! A built in common interest is a pretty good way to make friends!

Is it possible that she's has asd?

I wouldn't think so to be honest. Off the back of your post I did a little reading in asd in girls and other than the friend thing she really didn't seem to fit any of the other signs . Thanks though, it was a useful thing to consider.

Definitely push the sports thing...sports teams can be wonderful for camaraderie.