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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Original poster

12 not interested in anything other than her phone!!

25 replies

Mummypig2020 · 31/08/2020 15:35

Dd12 is driving me insane.

She literally has no other life than her phone. Iv tried getting her to do things with me like baking but it’s straight back on her phone. Me and her dad have bought her things to do that she says she wants but she doesn’t have the attention span to do it. I’m really worried about how she’s going to do “real life” when she can’t leave her phone.

It’s driving me mad. My ds10 isn’t like it and will
Happily go out and play etc.

Iv put blocks on it, the internet goes off at a certain time but she just sits there sulking.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2020 15:37

Tell her if she continues to sulk the phone is going away permanently.

Castoreum · 31/08/2020 15:39

Just take it away.

Original poster

Mummypig2020 · 31/08/2020 15:39

Honestly it’s easier said than done, she massively guilt trips me! 😔

OP posts:

TeddyIsaHe · 31/08/2020 15:41

Just get rid of it! Get her a cheap mobile that just calls/texts so she can get in touch with you, and nothing else.

She can not regulate her use, so you have to do it for her, guilt trips or not. It’s not healthy to be addicted to anything at 12.

Time2change2 · 31/08/2020 15:43

Does she take her phone out if you go out somewhere as a family? That would be a hard no for my 11 year old. If she behaves like a present human for x amount of time she gets her phone for a while. She should be playing with her sister, helping with jobs, reading, playing outside on bike / with a football/ scooter or something. Take her to do something like kyacking or SUP or something to enjoy where there is no phone. If she sulks through that then there is no phone for the rest of the day

Time2change2 · 31/08/2020 15:43

Pleasant not present

latticechaos · 31/08/2020 15:44

She guilt trips you? You can't feel guilty for doing the right thing.

I'd take it away.

It's not healthy.

Fortheloveofbob · 31/08/2020 15:45

Grow spine, remove phone! You're the parent, if you can't withstand a guilt trip from a kid, you'll be completely whipped by the time she's a teen.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2020 15:45

Honestly it’s easier said than done, she massively guilt trips me!

Ffs. You're her parent, not her mate. Be a parent and do what needs to be done.

latticechaos · 31/08/2020 15:52

If you can't withstand a guilt trip from a kid, you'll be completely whipped by the time she's a teen. This is so true! This will be a good first practice

user1471447924 · 31/08/2020 16:26

That phone would be fine for a long long time if she were my daughter. Can’t believe you let her “guilt“ you. 🙄

FelicityPike · 31/08/2020 16:30

Take the phone away.
The hell with “guilt trips” from a 12 year old!
Be a parent not a friend.

Castoreum · 31/08/2020 22:16

Why feel guilty if you are doing the right thing? Let her try and guilt trip you and let it all wash over you and keep repeating 'no phone unless you can behave sensibly'. I appreciate it's hard not to get wound up but you are the adult. Behave like one.

Original poster

Mummypig2020 · 01/09/2020 08:30

We had discussions last night regarding it and Iv put a screen lock on. She can have it for 2 hours a day at weeks and 1 in the week.

She told me she knows I give into her, she said she knows she only has to ask a few times and she gets what she wants 🙃🙃🙃 so no more.

I’m going to try and be more stricter. It’s ridiculous I know. I think it’s because I’m young that I’m trying to parent and be a friend. Iv just turned 30 and she’s nearly 13 😩

OP posts:

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 01/09/2020 08:34

She doesn't need you as a friend, she will have plenty of those.
She needs a parent to support her & lead her & help her grow.
It's a different, stronger & more important relationship than friendship.
Put good boundaries & respect in place now.
Age is nothing to do with it!

Wolfiefan · 01/09/2020 08:36

Don’t “give in”. You need to be the adult. Decide on appropriate boundaries and stick to them. It’s not about being “strict”. It’s about being consistent. That’s your job as a parent.

malificent7 · 13/09/2020 18:52

My dd is on her phone constantly but that is because she uses it to chat to friends. They are constantly gassing away on video calls . I can hear them now and it is good that I can have such access to their conversationd. I have no problem with this and it has been invaluable during lockdown. What does your dd use hers fb or?

malificent7 · 13/09/2020 18:52

For

malificent7 · 13/09/2020 18:54

My dd is 12 and i know her friends are the centre of her world so I am happy for her to chat with them loads.
If she was on tiktok all day i'd be more concerned.

Lisa260674 · 16/09/2020 23:01

My daughter is the same I’m currently trying to get her to join a club but it is proving difficult during the current situation. Does anyone have any suggestions?

hugocat · 06/10/2020 13:03

Mine is exactly the same, glad I found this. Any more are ideas welcome

Mary8076 · 07/10/2020 12:42

My daughters would spend the whole day on their phone ...except there's a parental control app there with maximum screen time of 1 hour a day, in addition to block useless too much addictive apps. Problem solved!

coffeeabdteav · 10/10/2020 08:22

A lot of counsellors say that removing a child's phone causes more harm than good as its literally their lifeline to friends at the moment.

There are other consequences that should be used first.

To adolescents the social network and contact with friends is the paramount developmental task and focus,” says Beth Peters, a clinical psychologist in Westminster, Colorado, who specializes in teens and families. “When you remove a teen’s lifeline to their friends, there will be a major emotional backlash, a breakdown of the parent-child relationship.”
When phones are taken away as punishment, Dr. Peters says, kids tend to withdraw from the parent. “They don’t try to solve their problem. They don’t talk to the parent. You’re really setting yourself up for a dishonest teen because they need that contact and will resort to sneaky behavior to get it.”

fretaway · 10/10/2020 12:37

Unfortunately I've just had to confiscate dd's phone as last night, she is 12 too and I have screen time on her iPhone which I control through mine, but she managed to get into it and changed the screen time password. It was to spend more time on a game. I'm not sure how she thought she would get away with it, seeing as I got locked out once she had changed it.

She already has perfectly reasonable limits. This particular game she has a 1 hour limit on, and other games in general a separate 1 hour limit, and a 1 hour limit on YouTube. Safari and other apps like music she has no limit but we have set downtime to 9:30pm. Messaging apps are not locked down as she is quite reasonable not texting late at night.

However I can't tolerate her going behind my back to get what she wants, today she is angry at me, saying it's because I don't trust her. Her actions don't justify that. I can't just let her get away with it.

Mary8076 · 12/10/2020 23:33

@fretaway did you block the access to the phone's settings? Many times they bypass or deactivate the parental control through the settings. We are android users here, but it should be the same, so check in your parental control if you can block that.
Then honestly 1+1+1 hours + no limits for other apps and internet seems too much. Expert suggest maximum 1hour a day until12yo, 2 hours until 18yo, blocking everything 1hour before bedtime and at night, including any screen... considering the additional time on TV and for homework on screens, an overall limit of 1hour on phone is the best option.

Anyway, I agree with you, the big issue is she went behind your back, considering she had even no restrictive limits that was quite unfair.

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