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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Original poster

When the I am raising and adult philosophy bites you in the ass.

19 replies

130mummy2 · 23/08/2020 02:14

So when I had my DD her father and I made the choice to guide her to become a great adult, by showing her choices had repercussions within our parenting boundaries.
We broke up when she wad 2 but we both carried this on, until recently he had another child and set a routine for his family.
Now when she is with me she struggles with the fact we expect her to be partially responsible for her boundaries and chioces, and she blames me.
At her dads they run everything on her siblings routine including when my DD goes to bed and gets picked up or can go out. She cannot even choose her activitys through the day. As she has got used to this she has started to hate the more we all get to give opinions and make choices aspects of my house.
I am personally opposed to the regimental routine of her dads as know it can get controlling but I understand its his house so his choice, but I am starting to struggle with her when shes with me. I know I will not change my home to mirror her dads as I have other children but I'm struggling with her dads change on parenting effectting her. She honestly is better when I shout and control her every minute, meal, tv choice and how she talks to her friends, and I hate it as I want to teach her how to make well rounded choices while we me to help her become a good Adult.
She even controls her water and food intake and she is 11.
I understand her want for consistency between houses but am so worried about losing her to others options controlling her
Her dad is a great dad and I kbow he means best but I'm not sure her best is in full consideration.
Any advice would be great

OP posts:

Anordinarymum · 23/08/2020 02:21

She honestly is better when you shout and control her every minute, meal TV choice and how she speaks to her friends.
How does that work out

Original poster

130mummy2 · 23/08/2020 02:35

She is much kinder and less argumentative when I restrict her like that which is not my stance on parenting. I have only done those as punishment (by restricting meals i mean making meal choices for her or stopping snacks due to not finishing meals). It has been brought up by other adults also. I do not understand why she acts worse when given choices or freedom.

OP posts:

PandaEyed13 · 23/08/2020 02:37

If she prefers the discipline and structure then I would just go with it, within your own levels of being comfortable. At 11, it sounds like possibly she may be responding to what best suits her at the moment and if you live in a house that allows opinion and choice - and her choice is that she's currently comfortable with a little more routine - then what's the problem?
That sounds harsh and I don't mean it to be. But I'm sure she'll be pushing back on all that structure soon enough, give it a couple more years! We've all been teenage girls before!
I would just explain to her (if you feel that she's old enough and ready to chat about this matter and can communicate well) that your way isn't her dad's way, and that it's ok, and ask her what she needs from you and that you'll try and meet her in the middle. My child is nearly 10 and I'm the same as you, we have a more laid back parenting style and I allow free thinking and decision making, but the last year he's starting to prefer me to make the choices for him and instruct him much more. So I do it! It makes him happy for now so I just go with it. I just assume his sudden preference for being guided and instructed more comes down to uncertainty on his part, about what he wants and whether it's the right thing and maybe a little bit of insecurity, which I think all children have flashes of at any random point in their lives as they grow and blossom and have those chemical, hormonal and growth spurts. And probably a dash of laziness too. It's so much easier for mum to choose than have to think and consider and weigh up!

Anordinarymum · 23/08/2020 02:44

I'm trying to make sense of your language. It sounds like you are trying to raise your child in an ordered way but it reads more like a regime.

I think you have to lighten up. You only have one childhood and it ought to be happy with boundaries in place but not rules that are enforced.

I feel sorry for her, she must be confused, and if the parenting was agreed by both of you why is he relaxing on it now? Perhaps he has realised that you are OTT with the rules ?

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 23/08/2020 02:45

I think tbh at 11 you're starting to be aware about the enormity of life, your future and your options, and it all feels incredibly daunting. Having open choice over what happens to you all day, every day, starts to feel like a lot of pressure and could be very stressful. Predictability, structure and boundaries are vital for preteens just as much if not more so than toddlers, and it sounds like your DD needs a lot more of that from you right now. Feeling like you're the one in charge, at 11, would not be comfortable at all.

PandaEyed13 · 23/08/2020 02:49

@Sayitagainwhydontyou great comment. A much less waffling version of what my comment was getting at! Completely agree.

Original poster

130mummy2 · 23/08/2020 02:58

I understand your point and we are currently working on the point of bad behaviour (no matter what the cause) is unacceptable, and will come with punishment. On the other hand I have 2 other children and it I would never change how we parent in our house (which they respond to well) because my 11yr old has got used to a difference at her dads. I have to make decisions for a whole family and I also don't condone controlling a child's every move to make my life easy. I want to help her be okay making her moves to grow like had always been a plan for her. As we all know kids grow in the blink of an eye my role as mum is to help her grow to an adult not have an easy 18 yrs and I'd like to continue on that route.

OP posts:

Original poster

130mummy2 · 23/08/2020 03:00

Hes putting in the regiment not me.
"You only have one childhood and it ought to be happy with boundaries in place but not rules that are enforced." this is a version of how we agreed to raise her.
Hope i have clarified

OP posts:

Original poster

130mummy2 · 23/08/2020 03:04

@Anordinarymum

I'm trying to make sense of your language. It sounds like you are trying to raise your child in an ordered way but it reads more like a regime.

I think you have to lighten up. You only have one childhood and it ought to be happy with boundaries in place but not rules that are enforced.

I feel sorry for her, she must be confused, and if the parenting was agreed by both of you why is he relaxing on it now? Perhaps he has realised that you are OTT with the rules ?

Hes putting in the regiment not me. "You only have one childhood and it ought to be happy with boundaries in place but not rules that are enforced." this is a version of how we agreed to raise her. Hope i have clarified

OP posts:

Original poster

130mummy2 · 23/08/2020 03:05

@PandaEyed13

If she prefers the discipline and structure then I would just go with it, within your own levels of being comfortable. At 11, it sounds like possibly she may be responding to what best suits her at the moment and if you live in a house that allows opinion and choice - and her choice is that she's currently comfortable with a little more routine - then what's the problem? That sounds harsh and I don't mean it to be. But I'm sure she'll be pushing back on all that structure soon enough, give it a couple more years! We've all been teenage girls before! I would just explain to her (if you feel that she's old enough and ready to chat about this matter and can communicate well) that your way isn't her dad's way, and that it's ok, and ask her what she needs from you and that you'll try and meet her in the middle. My child is nearly 10 and I'm the same as you, we have a more laid back parenting style and I allow free thinking and decision making, but the last year he's starting to prefer me to make the choices for him and instruct him much more. So I do it! It makes him happy for now so I just go with it. I just assume his sudden preference for being guided and instructed more comes down to uncertainty on his part, about what he wants and whether it's the right thing and maybe a little bit of insecurity, which I think all children have flashes of at any random point in their lives as they grow and blossom and have those chemical, hormonal and growth spurts. And probably a dash of laziness too. It's so much easier for mum to choose than have to think and consider and weigh up!

understand your point and we are currently working on the point of bad behaviour (no matter what the cause) is unacceptable, and will come with punishment. On the other hand I have 2 other children and it I would never change how we parent in our house (which they respond to well) because my 11yr old has got used to a difference at her dads. I have to make decisions for a whole family and I also don't condone controlling a child's every move to make my life easy. I want to help her be okay making her moves to grow like had always been a plan for her. As we all know kids grow in the blink of an eye my role as mum is to help her grow to an adult not have an easy 18 yrs and I'd like to continue on that route.

OP posts:

Original poster

130mummy2 · 23/08/2020 03:10

@Sayitagainwhydontyou

She obviously does not make every choice every day, shes a child. But I give her a chance on input and choices when possible as she will one day make all of her own. I know she needs my guidance daily but not my full control as she needs to learn to make choices to succeed. We may be children for 18 yrs but we are adults for the rest of life.

OP posts:

Nagsnovalballs · 23/08/2020 03:31

It is possible that she is reacting to having too much choice. This article explains why it can be overwhelming: esme.com/resources/parenting/decision-overload-is-bad-for-kids

Are you giving limits to your choices? (Ie you can eat this or that, which do you prefer? Rather than saying: what do you want to eat?)

An interesting point about making your child braver and more experimental is actually to not give them totally free and open Choice. When I was a child, my limited understanding of the world meant that I could not conceive of what was possible. Aged 10/11 my mum asked me if I wanted to move house - no way. I was devastated. What I didn’t realise was that I was moving to the same area so no loss of friends - but to a magical place with stables and fields to keep my pony at home. I couldn’t imagine that better than our small town house was possible. If the choice had been left to me, we wouldn’t have done it. The same with food: if I had to choose from my own resources and imagination aged 11, I would have just eaten the same few foods. The same with holidays: i’m an only child from a single parent family (my siblings are through my dad), so my mum often asked my opinion and wanted my input on big decisions as it was just the two of us. But even with holidays, I just wanted to go back to the same caravan park year in year out because I knew it and felt safe there. Left to my choice, we would have done that until I was 18. Instead, my mum would say: do you want to go to X or Y country? That way, I got input on big decisions but also got introduced to new possibilities.

Honestly, it’s so exhausting being an adult and having to constantly make decisions. It’s stressful and adults doubt themselves, and then become anxious and irritable. This is likely to be what your dd is experiencing, but because she is a kid it’s coming out as poor behaviour and acting out.

You do need to raise a good decision maker, but maybe take some of the load off by having a few things that are expected and laid out (basic routine etc) and then with choices, narrow them down so you can a) encourage experiment with novelty and b) reduce some of the overwhelming nature of open decision making.

BlankTimes · 23/08/2020 03:31

Some kids find routine and structure to be a very comforting and welcome thing. They know what's going to happen and when, therefore they feel safe. They enjoy a routine and thrive on the repetitive nature of that type of lifestyle. It's one of the reasons why teachers report very few problems with behaviour and parents see a lot, because for the child an unstructured home life removes all the things that make them secure.

Perhaps the changes to her father's lifestyle, having to accept the new baby and also the new more strict rules alongside the uncertainties of Lockdown and likely puberty have given her an anchor and she's asking you to provide a similar one for her when she's with you, to help her feel more secure.

Catsup · 23/08/2020 03:31

I get that you want her to have free will to make her own choices and decisions. But the reality is everyone is different, and some people actually feel the benefit of boundaries and structure in their lives. There's a lot of teens who've done army service after being a bit 'wayward' as teens, and its completely turned their lives around based on the fact they really thrive on a set routine, having a limit to the boundaries they can explore, and someone prepared to tell them the 'right thing to do'. Everyone is different, and while 'choice' might feel amazing for one person, for the next it creates fear. Some people actually love a structure as it takes the worry and stress out of life for them. That necessarily doesn't make them a lesser individual but can them to explore their world whilst feeling they have a secure safety net to fall back on.

nasiisthebest · 23/08/2020 03:39

Would it fit within your parenting plan to decide together with her which extra boundaries she craves and enforce that?

Catsup · 23/08/2020 03:44

And to be honest I don't understand your 'she's better when I shout!'. Is that not totally flying in the face of your 'I want to teach her to make better choices, via learning' ideal? What exactly are you shouting at her for? If it's because she's now asking what time she should go to bed?, or what is being made for dinner? (vs you asking her). Then to be honest I'd be looking inward for what's going wrong in your, 'free and easy, confident adult building household' vs her dad's routine based one?

Original poster

130mummy2 · 23/08/2020 04:05

@Catsup

She has only been shouted rarely when going way to far, only time I can think of recently she told my youngest how horrible I was (I had tried to talk to her for an hour previously about how she felt) and when my youngest agreed and said I was mean she slammed a door in the youngest face hurting my youngest. All choices are within boundaries i.e which of these 2/3 choices for dinner, or what tv from a variety of age acceptable choices, and you must be in bed to sleep by "x"o'clock when do you want to head up to your room. Free rein is not give but choice within safe boundaries is.

OP posts:

Catsup · 23/08/2020 04:46

But you stated this was until he recently had a new child? Are we talking a newborn, or a relationship with someone with children? Clearly a baby is going to change everything in your ex's household. And a new relationship with someone else is also going to have to change the prior dynamics.

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 23/08/2020 06:15

It's all very well and good having a parenting philosophy, but you have to parent the child you have in front of you. Your philosophy isn't working for your daughter. Time for a change.

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