Preteens
What to do next?
Aginplease · 22/08/2020 09:37
My DD is going into year 7 in September and has a group of friends, about 4 of them. Everything seemed ok until after the last day of term. My DD is quite emotional and holds friendships very dear, she has seen 6 close relatives die in her short life, so she clings to the people that are left.
Anyway, she has been quite down over the holidays, the group of friends that she went around with havn't included her in anything, she kept seeing instagram posts about them hanging around together, I had a moan to one of the parents about how DD was feeling and about one girl in particular who she felt really distant from, to cut along story short, I had a 'discussion' yesterday with this girls mum, as my DD kept asking if she was free and she kept turning her down, she basically said that my DD was too clingy for her DD and that her DD didn't want to be in that friendship group anymore, she also said that I had been complaining about her DD, so I know the other mum (who I thought was a really close friend) has been stirring, it came to quite a head and alot of the messages were taken the wrong way. My DD will be seeing this girl in September as they are all going the same school/getting the same bus, now she is worried about seeing her, and with all the non transit that has taken place I know it's stressing her out. Where do I go from here? Do I contact said Mum again and apologize, although I really don't feel like I need to, I just want to keep the peace , I hate any sort of arguing with anyone .
Aginplease · 22/08/2020 09:38
"it wasn't a nasty moan, it was a more of my DD is feeling sad and left out as she isn't feeling included and missing said girl alot.
Crylittlesister · 22/08/2020 09:45
Do not contact any mums. None of them! An issue that started off being between kids is now being exacerbated by parental involvement.
You say "holds relationships very dear", the feedback is "clingy". As a mum, you will obviously see the best in your child, but 11 year olds don't have the same levels of love and empathy so will call out the behaviour as they see it.
It doesn't appear there was any falling out until you spoke to the parents, more that the other children were just letting the relationship with your dd drift.if I were you, I would work on developing independence and resilience in your dd and encourage new friendships in y7. I know it is hard to step back when your children are hurt, but you seem to have made this a bit worse I'm afraid.
Aginplease · 22/08/2020 09:52
Thanks I feel like utter crap, I just want to make it better. When you see you child upset you just want to help
lampshadery · 22/08/2020 11:38
I agree with encouraging new friendships in Year 7. It is a time of great change but that can be a good thing, she will be meeting lots of new people and that's a great opportunity for new friendships.
It is very sad when a child is left out though so I have lots of sympathy for your DD.
Aginplease · 22/08/2020 11:42
Thanks, I've said that she needs to find new friends, she does have lots of others too who she has been hanging around with over the holidays ,just these were her close ones, who she has know since pre school, they have always been great with her. It's a time for a fresh change I think ☺️
BlueStargazer · 22/08/2020 19:37
I'd recommend reading some books on coaching your DD through friendship issues. I've found Tanith Carey books (the friendship maze and girls uninterrupted) really enlightening in terms of the psychology behind girls friendships and practical re what you can do to help. Queen bees and wannabes also really good. Hopefully you'll get some tips on how to deal with the return to school 😊
Sayitagainwhydontyou · 22/08/2020 19:43
I think this is very important feedback for your DD - what you see as "close" other people obviously find smothering. Small children don't tend to notice clinginess but as they get older girls especially tend not to have much patience for it.
Time to talk to DD about boundaries and inappropriate friendships etc, and potentially get her some counselling for the bereavements.
And in future, stay out of it! Sounds like they were gracefully bowing out, and you escalated the situation unnecessarily.
Aginplease · 22/08/2020 21:36
We have all sat down today and talked about it, my DD has said that she didn't see any issues before leaving school, the other girl has said that she was told by others not to speak to my DD. We need to address how she acts with others, she was having counselling at school as she has lost 2 Nan's, 2 great Nan's and 2 great grandad and a baby cousin within 2 years so her confidence hit rock bottom.
Thanks about the books, I'll look into them.
Out of all this we have realised that others have been stirring the pot and that we all do have good friendships after all.
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