Preteens
12 DD started high school- new friends group
Freckles1161 · 19/08/2020 05:24
My eldest DD who is 12 has just started high school. She has settled in well and making friends. She has become particularly friendly with another girl who I know is from a good family and stays nearby. My DD went out to meet her on Sunday at the park along with another girl and two girls from the year above. It has now transpired that my dd's friend is gay which I have no problem with. My dd then told me last night that one of the other girls is also gay, another is non binary and one the other girls in the year above is straight and has a boyfriend but would consider going out with anyone who accepts her. I dont think my DD is bi or gay but she has changed since start of year. She is obsessed with the band Queen at the minute and has a massive crush on Ben Hardy who played Roger Taylor in the Bohemian Rhapsody film. There is a couple of boys at high school who have taken a shine to her and she just giggles talking about them, she did previously have a boyfriend in her last year at primary school but he was rather possessive so that ended. My concern is that she is basically the only straight one in this group and there is talk of sleepovers which concerns me as well. I have no issue with her having friends who are gay or bi but to be straight and there be no other straight friends in the friendship group concerns me. She went to one girls house last night to hang out and I asked what they did and she said they listened to lesbian music. She doesn't talk about boys with them which I think is unfair on her. I suggested she make friends with other girls in her year too but she says they are all chavs and make "straight" tik toks (just doing tik tok dances,). I'm just not sure what to do particularly with the sleepover situation. I am happy she is settling into high school and the girls seem nice and not bitchy. My DD has said to me she is straight and not attracted to girls but that she gets on so well with her new friends and I would have no issue if she was gay or bi. I know it is all different these days at school but I'm feeling lost as to what friendship groups are like these days at high school. Can anyone offer any advice
FortunesFave · 19/08/2020 06:27
Sexuality is the new punk OP. Don't pay it any mind. I have two DD's aged 16 and 12.
Every day someone else in their groups comes out as pan, non-binary, bi, gay etc.
They often shift to something else a month later.
She's probably not the only straight one but the group are all trying to be cool and different. AS long as she's happy, leave her be.
Freckles1161 · 19/08/2020 06:41
Thank you Fortunes Fave. I knew a couple of them are gay but didnt realise my DD was only straight one. The sleepover part is a big concern for me, I know just because her friends are gay doesn't mean they fancy my DD but if they did I wouldn't be happy for her to sleep at their house in the same room.
Milicentbystander72 · 19/08/2020 07:15
I also wouldn't worry. It's very 'on trend' to describe yourself as anything other than straight at the moment.
When my dd was in Y8 she hung out with the 'equalities' group (a group of mainly girls that went to the LGBT Equalities school support group at lunchtime). Her closest friend was gay and all the others were either bi or non-binary. My dd said she was straight. One time she came to me and said "Mum, I hate to say it as it's really boring but I think I'm definitely straight".
Jump to Y11. Dd has a different friendship group and all the girls are straight. They are very friendly with an out gay boy too. Dd is still friendly with the friends from Y8 but not as close. From the original friends one is definitely lesbian but the rest (who were non-binary or bi) have shown themselves to be straight (or in a straight phase).
The best thing to do is make no mention of it. Encourage dd to be inclusive and kind (I'm sure you do this anyway). I'm certain this friendship group will shift a bit over time.
Currently in schools this is very very common.
FortunesFave · 19/08/2020 07:37
I know just because her friends are gay doesn't mean they fancy my DD but if they did I wouldn't be happy for her to sleep at their house in the same room.
Why? They won't ravish her.
Friendsoftheearth · 19/08/2020 07:44
She is too old to for you to decide on friendships.
I too agree with fortune I have teen girls and every week they are something else, like dressing up box but with sexuality. It is a good thing, they can be free to choose who they are/want to be.
I would work on being assertive around advances though, how to say no and move away from situations she may find herself with the boys that have taken a shine to her/and also the girls. It is perhaps more important than ever that she knows how to handle herself. I would take the moment to talk about this, alcohol etc. 12 year olds still listen to some extent, it will be much harder to have those conversations when she gets older.
If you are uncomfortable about the sleepover, perhaps steer her to a future date, she has only just met them all, and should take her time.
BGirlBouillabaisse · 19/08/2020 07:53
10 years ago, your DD's group would have been the 'EMO' crew, dyeing their hair blue and listening to My Chemical Romance.
The EMO crew of old has morphed into the 'identities' crew, as PP have said. Sometimes some of the children in these friendship groups have undiagnosed ASD/Asperger's and a weak sense of self, so they look for a new 'label' for themselves (not a criticism, just a trend I've noticed).
Your DD sounds extremely sensible with a strong sense of self and her friends sound nice. I always try to discourage talk of 'chavs' as it encourages division, so I'd be picking her up on that language.
icedbun5 · 19/08/2020 07:55
I completely agree with @FortunesFave. I've two dds the same age.
My youngest announced with great drama that she was bisexual and quite honestly I think she was greatly disappointed that it caused absolutely no stir at all. We completely screwed up her teen rebellion by being so tolerant for the last 12 years. 
Freckles1161 · 19/08/2020 11:12
Thank you for all your replies. It is difficult and I know I need to let her make her own friends and as someone said her friendship group may change over time and probably will in her 3rd year of high school when doing national 4 &5's (Scotland). I'm not letting her go for a sleepover any time soon, this would also be the same if her friends were straight and she had only just met them. I would like to invite her friends to our house for an afternoon one weekend so I can get to know them a bit better. Last year she was invited to a sleepover at a boys house for his birthday where there was going to be other boys and another girl but I said no way and she couldn't understand why. Fast forward a year and having matured so much during that time she now realises why I said no. She is very tall for 12 year old and has developed very quickly physically, she could easily pass for a 15 year old. I am going to do what others say and just not mention anything about the sexual orientation of her friends to her. It feels like being a first time mum again when your first born starts high school and is maturing, it doesnt come with a manual. Thank you again for all your responses, it has definitely helped me
Sayitagainwhydontyou · 22/08/2020 20:59
...why on earth wouldn't you let her attend a mixed sleepover? Are you trying to teach her that boys and girls can't be friends? Do you want her to think that gay/bi girls are a threat to her?
You've got some very twisted thinking going on here OP.
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