Overheard hateful convo about my 9yo, by her ‘friends’. WWYD?

[Girlzroolz]

DD has been having great fun with a gang of kids around her age (they are a touch older 9-12yo, mixed boys & girls).

They are all remote learning, so go off on walks and bike-rides in the afternoon, or play games across each other’s gardens. She adores them, and it’s the only thing making lockdown bearable.

I’d called her in early tonight to speak to her grandma (video) and I went outside to do some gardening. The rest of the kids were sitting nearby, but on the other side of a fence. I realised after a while they were talking about DD. Horrible, mean comments. Making fun of her, wishing she’d hurt herself so she wouldn’t be able to play with them this weekend. And more.

DD is a very friendly extrovert, who comes up with loads of games they all seem to enjoy. She’s cheerful and generous, forever at me to make more snacks to share or helping them with new skills (trampolining, bike jumps, etc). I’ve seen them all playing supposedly very happily for weeks. They often ring the bell to ask her to play.

I was shocked and sickened at what I heard. I walked to a lower part of the fence and they saw me. They went white as sheets. One girl didn’t see me and kept going until another kid kind of nudged her to stop. I calmly said ‘That’s not a nice way to talk about a friend is it? I can tell you that DD has nothing but kind things to say about you lot.’ They mumbled ‘Sorry’, I went inside.

I’m so so sad for her. She’s an only child, and lives for her friends. I can’t tell her, but I am also not going to let her merrily skip out to play with them tomorrow, am I? Stuck for what to do next. I’m wondering if I should text the parents (who I’d call mates) and honestly ask if DD has done anything to offend their kids? If there’s something fixable at the base of this? I wouldn’t ‘out’ their kids for what they said, but I assume it might come out if the parents talk to their kids about DD?

Some part of me wants to believe it’s just normal, non-important chit-chat at this age, and that new alliances are formed every 15 minutes during play- including being mean. But it was pretty horrible stuff, and if they’d said it to her face would’ve been pretty traumatic. They knew it was mean and wrong.

Am I just a stressed out older mum overreacting? Or would you try and engage over it? I’m a fairly calm person, but I admit to some private tears over what I heard.

I think that sometimes kids start talking about a thing, then the next kid says something worse to shock, then the next kid... could it be that they were all just trying to "out-do" each other on the bitching and they dont really mean it?

As you say they happily knock for her so it cant be that they dont like her or they just wouldn't bother...

I wouldn't involve the parents just yet unless it turns into something bigger....

It's an awful thing to hear but I dont think that it meant anything...

You've spoken to the kids and they clearly realised that what they said was wrong. I don't think you need to involve parents or do more.

There is a 90% chance that everything will settle down & they will be fine. So I think leave it a few days, but keep a watchful eye out to see that your DD is playing with the others etc. And talk to her about them - who is her best friend in the group, who is nice etc.

Also, ask what she would do if someone in the group was being mean about someone else.

That sounds horrible! And I've got no advice on how to deal with it... but I do know that my 10yo DD will hang out with someone she knows, play apparently happily, seem to be having a great time, and then whine to me ask the way home about how it was boring, she doesn't like those games, she doesn't like how the child behaves etc etc. And then I ask her if she wants to hang out with that child again and it's yes yes!

It's very confusing. I put it down to being that age where she feels like she's very grown up, so she wants it known that she doesn't enjoy baby games. Even though she does. While she only says it to us, we just ignore, and she takes damn good care not to be over heard by the child or her family and so their feelings aren't hurt. I suppose I'd call the relationship one of amicable convenience rather than actual friendship? I'm hoping she outgrows it, and because she doesn't have other friends to chat to about it and escalate it (school holidays plus covid) there's not that pack element of them agreeing with each other and adding to it. If I thought for a moment that was happening she'd be in so much trouble!

Maybe it's that, if your DD is youngest? Maybe they're talking themselves up to feel grown up? It sounds as though they are nice enough to feel thoroughly ashamed when they were caught bitching? But what to do? I can't help. I hope it works out for your DD.

This is going to sound tough but I really mean it kindly. It really won't help if you try to insert yourself into the social lives of 9 to 12 year olds. She'll have to negotiate that world herself without you smoothing the way or managing it for her. I know it's painful but I would just ignore it (I wouldn't have even let the DC know I could hear them tbh).

I don’t know that saying anything was the right thing to do because they might be afraid or embarrassed now and stop approaching her to play.

And I agree with PP that it’s fairly standard for kids to do this kind of thing. 99% didn’t mean it, I’d bet, and were trying to “join in”.

If you text their parents you will be making it a huge deal. That’s fine but be sure that’s what you want!

How horrible for you. I have a DD9 too and would hate to be in that situation. FWIW it sounds as if you handled it very well.
What was the gist of the comments? Was it some specific behaviour of hers that she (and you) may not have realised was annoying? Or was it more general malicious stuff? Was it one or two toxic types stirring trouble? Divide and conquer sort of thing?
Knowledge is power. So provide her with some of the information but in a gentle way. I mightn’t tell my DD all the details as she would be very upset. But I might warn her that not everyone can be trusted and you have been made aware that some people in the group are talking behind others backs and being mean. Ask her if she has had any suspicions herself. Make her think and be less trusting and innocent. Sad but necessary.
Maybe with some role play, arm her with the ability to hold herself with dignity in difficult situations or with unpleasant/toxic people. To recognise such behaviour and have the confidence to step back. If you do notice anything about her that others may find irritating (?can the older children find her babyish for example) then gently point out the problem. Tell her constantly how amazing she is and how much she is loved so she will always carry that with her.

Thanks guys, your responses are calming me a lot. I don’t want any families falling out, but I also know how quickly and horribly a pack can turn on someone and victimising them become a habit.

My aim in telling the kids I’d heard them was probably to give them that short shock that maybe short-circuits the mean poking fun? Frankly I’d have ‘inserted myself’ had they been talking about anyone like that, not just my DD. I mean, they were swapping imaginative ways that they wished she’d seriously hurt herself. Charming.

I’ll be trying to distance her from them for a while, but no idea how. It’s all she wants to do in her couple of hours of spare time, and she can hear them playing nearby. I’ll have to think about how to gently warn her, but she won’t believe me without specifics and it’d break her heart to know even a tenth of what I heard.

It also strikes me that if my kid was saying that sort of vileness, I’d want to know. She’d be grounded so completely, she’d be begging to hang out the washing. I’m definitely not in the ‘kids will be kids’ camp with this sort of thing. I think we all need to try hard not to bring up future assholes who need to step on other people to feel clever.

I’ll try to forget what I heard, but it won’t be easy. Thanks again for the responses so far.

I think it's probably just a case of kids being silly and getting carried away. I am certain that if they knock for her then they like her and want to play with her - my daughter's group of friends have stopped calling for one girl because she is very bossy and completely dominates everyone in the group. Hopefully you having a word will have nipped the behaviour in the bud. I'd let my DD go back out to play if I were you and see how it goes. If one child started it and the others just followed then why should your DD be excluded and miss out on fun? Good luck.