a bit shocked by a sleepover for my 10yr old DS - iPad supervision

[Naimee87]

Hello,

Basically my DS was at a sleepover with some great friends of ours. We've known them for years now and get on so well. Both boys are 10 nearly 11. After coming home from the sleepover my DS told me some quite shocking things. 1) his friend had told him if he enters 'x' into a search engine he will find a really 'crazy video' the video was a very explicit adult video which has disturbed my son. He said his friend had already seen it and that is why he told him to put 'x' and watch it too. I had a million and one questions to answer as you can imagine. 2) he told me as well that his friend took his hand and placed it under the blanket while he was naked... my DS snatched his hand away and i think laughed it off as a joke but he hasn't managed to stop wondering why he did this. This all happened last week and i am so unsure how to tell my friend. The problem i face is that her son really has a great reputation and as far as i know is really lovely, i haven't had any problems with him when he has spent the night at our place. Unfortunately my son is the one with the crazier reputation and i have to be honest you cannot trust him 100% but for this i don't think he is lying i think he is really shocked and i could tell how scared he was to tell me because he doesn't want to lose his friend. I sort of want to know if anyone has any advice on how to speak to my friend because i do believe what my son is telling me based on his reaction and all the questions he came home with. I really don't want to lose her as a friend either as she's great. Any suggestions would be great to hear...

Hi OP. I have younger children so don't have experience of this first hand but can see you haven't had any replies so will just give some general advice! Firstly, what was the video and have you watched it? I think I would do that so that I could discuss the content with DS. The hand under the blanket could be worrying but I think depends a bit on context. Obviously it is not appropriate but I don't think there necessarily has to be a sexual motive as I'm sure is what you are fearing. It could just be him being silly and messing around. Did he put his hand on his genitals? If so at 10/11 I would imagine that yes they would know that was inappropriate.

Either way, I think this definitely needs to be raised with the mother. I would start with the video. If they were able to watch an explicit video they obviously don't have parental controls set up on the iPad. I would tell mum that DS has confessed to watching an adult video at her house and ask whether she has checked that her parental controls are working - give benefit of doubt. If she says she does not have such controls set up, I would say you don't feel comfortable with DS having unsupervised access to the iPad at her house - it's a parenting decision she should respect.

With regard to the blanket incident, if he did put your son's hand on his genitals you just need to tell her straight. Someone could have done this to him. It is very unusual behaviour for a 10 year old and a safeguarding concern as he may have learned it from an adult or another older child.

Well first things first, if you type 'x' into ANY search engine you do not get explicit videos. You get a huge amount of very PC videos of music and some companies/articles etc.

Nothing explicit - so you need more clarification from your DS on how he found the video and what site he went to.

Then I think you need to talk to the parent about it. Don't go at it from an accusatory stance just tell her what your DS said and ask if anything was said/what she thinks on it.

@VoldemortsMaid I think 'x' was used in the op in place of the actual title of the video

@Multicoloured 😂😂😂😂 good point, this is what happens when I comment on posts on 4 hrs sleep 🙈

Ignore me OP!

I'd probably have a word with the parents too op.

Please advise the dps. My ds is 11 and I would want to know.
Earlier this year my dd13 saw worse at her now ex friend's house. They fell out pre lockdown and I can't say anything now...
Speak up op.

You have to say something. I’d want to know if it was my son.

I hope your sons ok.

Has his friends got siblings?

Thanks for the comments.
Yes the 'x' was to save details the video was very very adult (1 girl and three guys and just about anything/everything the imagination can think of happens) and the friend knew how to search for this site. My DS says he really didn't know about the site but from others in his class he has seen photos i wish he hadn't.
There are definitely no parental controls on either ipad which definitely needs to change. The other boy has a very little DS.
I plucked up the courage to chat to my friend and am pleased she came over to speak to us directly. Although her DS has a different story, that they were searching for a rapper ... something 'x' something and this site happened to come up first.
He flat out denied the hand thing happened and my DS swears it did... not so sure how much more we can raise this because I really don't want the friendship to break down between me and the mum or the boys. Perhaps the fact that we were very quick to get involved means things like this won't happen again (here's hoping)... but i would hope the mum speaks to her boy about the hand thing because my DS really has no reason to lie about something like this... i'm really really not ready for this pre-teen stuff at all

Yanbu to say no sleepovers for a while too..

Not the point I know, but are you in England? Why are sleepovers happening? The guidelines haven’t changed yet!

@Naimee87 please make sure you tell your son you believe him and that the other boy was wrong for putting his hand under the blanket. And praise him for telling you. Don’t just never mention it again, make sure you talk to him about it.

I am not in the UK actually and we've almost had total relaxation of the lock-down guidelines but good point to mention.
I am really proud of him for telling me and he admitted to watching some of the video as opposed to just turning it off straight away (worrying i know) but better to be open to his questions and answer them calmly as best i can rather than react too strong. It may mean in the future he still tells me what he's getting up to. I felt like wrapping him up in cotton wool and just never letting him go... with screens so readily available it's scary how fast they grow up these days! I'm 33 and in the past two weeks i found myself saying 'back when i was little, or back in my day... feeling quite old actually' amazing how things change so slowly but so drastically in a way.
I have told him it was wrong what his friend did and he still questions why his friend did this so i think he is still so confused and knows this is not something you should do. He said if his friend comes to stay i must insist that he keeps his clothes on at all times and that they sleep like with the 'social-distancing' rules.. (his words) but no sleepovers for a while i think for him and this boy. Thanks a lot! I do like this platform it's helpful to have comments from people who just comment on the situation as they see it and it's interesting the different views people have an elements they pick up on

This is hard, because it could be your son is the culprit and getting his story in first as he thinks you’ll find out, or it could be he’s telling the truth. I suspect there is more to thr story than you’re being told.

I think you have to believe him as it’s effectively sexual assault. And I’d not have sleep overs any more and distance myself.

The porn is sad but kids experimenting, the touching is a different animal entirely.

You're in a difficult situation. We found our son getting up in the middle of the night and looking at porn for hours whilst we were all asleep. When we found out we put parental controls on our WiFi.
No one expects their kids to do this or how young they are when they do. We then periodically checked all devices to make sure none of them had a vpn on them which bypasses parental controls. We discussed porn and the implications etc with him. Our son found out all about this from older boys in school.

With regards to broaching you're friends about this, you may want to use this as a jumping off point. Tell them they need to set parental controls on their WiFi.

I don't know how you would discuss the hand under the blanket thing with your friends. I'm sure you've already discussed with your son he isn't at fault and he should always talk to you if anything like this happens.

If you don't feel you can discuss this with them face to face, perhaps write them a letter. Be warned, depending how precious your friends are will depend on whether they fall out with you or not! Those who have their heads screwed on properly, will be grateful for the advice. Those that think their child can do no wrong, will fall out with you. All kids make mistakes and make bad choices at some point.

Yes and I am definitely not ruling out that my DS could be the one telling fibs...it was after all him who watched more of the video. But the fact he admitted that to me and didn't have to makes me think he is telling the truth. I think he'll have an iPad ban until i can figure out exactly how to set very strict parental controls on the wifi, very good suggestion. From my friends reaction yesterday i think we're on a good path, it's more the fact she may be sweeping under the carpet something she should be talking to her son about. But whether he'd really admit something like that to his mum i don't know and perhaps i could be blowing it out of proportion slightly but i don't think so. I think the sex talk doesn't happen at school for another year or two at least here it won't. But if things continue the way they are this will fast be too late as most kids will have seen things/heard things they really shouldn't have. All so confusing to know the best way to protect them from what we KNOW is damaging stuff for their mental well being and how they'll see sex for the rest of their life too

I wouldn't let him sleep over there again. You can just be a bit too busy, you don't have to make a huge statement to the other family.

In your original post you said you didn't want to lose the friendship for yourself - I would try not to worry about that.

I know this is an oldish thread now but just wanted to add that is it possible that one of the boys is trying to figure out their sexuality and misread the friendship as budding romance? Not completely unreasonable that one of them might try to make a move - which at that age could be something as stupid as trying to get the boy/girl you fancy to touch your genitals/body thinking it was acceptable for someone you fancy (and that you think fancies you?)
It could be that your friends son thought your son was into him but because his sexuality is not something he’s figured out he has deflected and point blank denied the whole thing so he doesn’t have to explain his motives to his parents?

As your friend was so open and willing to discuss with you it might be worth asking her if she thinks the sexuality thing is possible as I’d want to know if any of my children might be confused (and possibly feeling ashamed/can’t speak to us) about something this big and I’d want to have conversations in the home reinforcing that we accept you and love no matter what, etc

The porn thing I think is inevitable, unfortunately, in this day and age 😕😕