11 Yr old behaviour

[Noni73]

I find my 11 year old daughter so so difficult to deal with. I've struggled since she was about 7 years old with major sleep problems and a temper that would cause her to physically lash out. At school this was never displayed so I had no back up when looking for help so she had a few sessions of hypnotherapy privately. If we have any issues with her we need to discuss, she immediately says we are mean, starts crying and speaking in a high pitched voice repeating 'just stop' 'just stop' last night she had been unpleasant via text to her friend so I wanted to talk to her about it. I was calm, didn't raise my voice, listened to what she said but when I talk I get that 'just stop' reaction. It's driving me mad as her young sister had started parroting it. It's as if I can't tell them off for anything without this happening. If I get angry it just escalates the situation so it's pointless. Feel I'm being manipulated into never being able to tell her off. This isn't a new situation it's been going on long before lockdown, this is the first time I've had time to sit and write/think about it. Any tips/suggestions on how to deal with this kind of behaviour and any ways for me to react differently?

I was going to start my own post but yours sums up what I was going to say. I'm still awake tonight after a bedtime that turned into 15mins of dd shouting at me telling me how I make her angry with her slamming doors, stomping, throwing things (some at me although this was denied when I was trying to talk in the quiet bits of the shouting) her telling me I'm a bad mum and she hates me. My suggestion of going away to calm down was shouted down because she's angry which is all my fault. Then tears a sorry and a hug.

She won't have electronics tomorrow morning and she didn't this morning for a similar episode last night.
I feel like the worst mum, i always say the wrong thing honestly no idea what to do anymore.

Kids are hard, and lockdown just makes it all harder, so for both of you (or if that's more pleasurable)

Just saying this as a suggestion. Both of your posts sound like the children are screaming for attention. But however well you handle the "bad" behaviour, that's not it.
What and how much of your attention are your DDs getting? Not during their meltdowns. Prior to them? Are you juggling wfh with homeschooling?
Because if you're trying to keep a LOT of plates spinning, maybe your child feels like they're not getting enough of your focus and attention?
That might be nonsense and me projecting. But if it might have an element of truth, try giving more time and attention prior to the bedtimes?

Remember, the attention we give to the behaviour is more likely to be the behaviour we get.

Or maybe they're just missing peers if they're not back in school?

And probably anxious about next school year, ESPECIALLY if they're in year 6.

Good luck. It's tough at the moment

Thanks for the and
She's an only I've always given her my attention, but guess I'm realising she might not see it that way as she doesn't always get what she wants.
Also if she can't do something perfect on the first attempt is very likely to get angry and give up so it's always been a challenge, usually no amount of encouragement works, so the attention ends up being negative.
I'm trying really hard not to get frustrated and be the calm super mum I thought I would be. Rather than the quivering wreck I have become !

Dd is the same...walk away...leave them to it for a bit in their room. Hard work....i sympathise.

My ds did the angry lashing out between 9 & 10.5 despite school calling him a model pupil. I think he was saving up things that frustrated him during the school day and then offloading them on me when he got home. It was exhausting. He has thankfully grown out of it now - he’s nearly 12.

Lockdown is hard for them, and it isn’t helping relationships in general. I’m finding it hard to be a calm super-mum as well. We’ve descended to name calling on a few occasions .

Walk away, leave her to her own devices. Mine now slams doors

I too am struggling with similar problems with my son, 11 nearly 12. I can't seem to reach through to him, his behaviour is over the line rude, offensive and very challenging.

Good to hear we’re not alone. Going back to school has helped here, dreading the next 6 weeks.
letting her cool off and a weekend of her phone being taken away, after me repeatedly saying if you are nice you will get nice things if you aren’t you won’t, has helped.

Hope you really have broken through! You sound more positive. I'm a step or two behind you.

Joining in the sympathy I have a 10.5 yr old screaming banshee. I can't do a thing right. Ask her to shower? I've ruined her day! Ask her to brush her hair? Storms off! She won't go out to play- we live in the country and no one has ever knocked on her door to ask her to play but no we had tears . She doesn't want to go and stay at her aunties. It's all hard hard work. I'm getting a bit worried about her - I wonder if lockdown has affected her more than we realise- hence why I've come on here

It is very normal behaviour at that age, they are like overgrown toddlers. Want to be more grown up and in control than they can be. They need tons of exercise to get rid of the negative energy. Best to not engage with bad moods. Have calm conversations when they are in a good mood about consequences of bad behaviour. Then just follow through calmly. I think they need a lot of love at this age and some boundaries and it is so so hard not to engage when they have a meltdown/emotional outburst. I think the most important thing is to not take it personally and get upset about it and the best strategy is to avoid conflict but follow through.

It's a hormonal roller coaster! And the end of Y6 last week was the pits. But several pep talks later and today is better. Hoping an incentive for the end of the summer holidays can keep us on a high for most of the time.

Also mentioned taking the doors off is there's anymore slamming.

I know this is an old thread, but I feel reassured to read it. We have just had to cut short a family walk & cut out a stop in the pub at the end of it, because of DS1'S behaviour. He is nearly 12. He was upset because DH pointed out that out of 3 hours downstairs this morning, he had spent 1.5 on his phone (has a screen limit of 3 hours total in school hols/weekends). Then we wanted to take a short walk before going to the pub (34 mins) & he was screaming at us in the street, shouting that we hate him, we were horrified when he was born, we never give him anything or do anything for him.

It was very upsetting to hear, particularly as I had a rough day yesterday with issues with my alcoholic mother. It breaks my heart to think he feels like that enough to say it. We do everything we can for him & his younger brothers. We don't have much money as neither of our jobs survived Covid, but we still treat the boys when we can. We also spend lots of time doing walks, games, baking, crafts, take him to football & Scouts a few times a week. I really hope it's just pre-teen attitude speaking or I don't know what else to do

We still have ups and downs, not helped by new friends at school being horrible. But have worked loads on managing behaviours, so love is unconditional but phones etc are a privilege so will be taken away if rudeness gets more than just letting off steam.

Have started giving her more boring household stuff to do, to try and get her to see it's better to help each other. And also have given a Finacial incentive for any extras she does as she wants a new phone. So I'm hoping it's giving her a bit more to work towards and less to get angry about.
Also trying meditation to help calm the mind. And space to give her the time to think and she will usually come and say sorry, as do I.
Some of it seems to be working she told me she loved me today and made me a cup of tea.