9 year old DS - Social skills

[Crazycrazylady]

HI everyone,

Hoping someone has some advice for me, I've always been worried about my eldest ds9 social skills but its so hard for me to pick out exactly what his issues are, he has never had a best friend, teachers say he is fine but i can see that he is on the outside of groups. He probably is slightly immature for his age but so are others in his class but whom are really good socially.

In summary.
Despite the fact that he really wants friends, he is very stand offish, would never approach someone first and gives one or two word answers if someone asks him a question.
He is incredibly self conscious about saying the wrong thing or being laughed at in any way, he absolutely cant laugh at himself outside of home ( where he weirdly can)
He would describe himself as "shy" but is fine at home or with cousins etc

I'd love to know how to help him improve these skills but he doesnt seem to fit into any particular box in that he can take turns, isnt a bad looser, hes not too rough etc, He is good academically and athletically

Just in general, crap socially..

Sorry for the long post

Anyone be able to recommend a book/videos etc that might help someone like him

Hi. Two of my kids are a little like this. I think that the school environment isn't their ideal place to socialise and make friends. It's noisy, full on, lots of loud, naturally confident children there. I think that if you are more quiet and shy, you can get lost and just fall behind in the social pecking order.

I was shy at school and found it much easier when I left school and could make friends through college or work.

Some kids shine after school. But it doesn't make it any easier when they still have years left there!

My daughter gets upset as she doesn't have a best friend. Sorry I don't have any better advice, but I can understand how you can worry.

Forgot to say, now my eldest is at Secondary school, he has made more friends. He's found a group of quieter, more sensitive kids and they all get along. I think there is a bigger pool of like minded kids at secondary. It did take him until year 8 though to get to know more people.

Thanks Grape

Good to hear. I honestly just want him to be happy in his own skin and it breaks my heart that he is so obsessed about what other people might think of it so much so he's afraid to say anything at all..

Fingers crossed he find his feet in secondary!

Did you do anything to help or did he get their on his own

Mine is like this, there was a post on it recently too. It's just their personality, nothing wrong with it but while they're young it can be hard for them to learn how to be socially "acceptable", saying hi to people they know etc is an issue here. Ours has improved no end by finding a sport (cricket, although obviously not at the moment) which none of his school friends do, so there's no pressure from anyone he knows, and it's varied enough that everyone is good at something so no-one gets criticism or feels embarrassed if they're a bit rubbish. Cubs is good too. I'm sure like pp said that once they get to secondary school and find their own set of friends it'll be fine.

We didn't really do anything in particular, he just seemed to be a bit more sure of himself once he found people he could be himself with.

My other son is part of the bigger popular group at school. It's nice that he has lots of people to hang round with, but he always seems to have to make sure he fits in with the others and is doing, wearing the right thing etc. It all seems like quite hard work, so I don't think there is any ideal!

I think true confidence, even being quietly confident can take a long time to build.

Thanks ladies

Here's hoping
His younger brother is mr popular which I think is actually a good thing as he plays with his friends too and practice is never a bad thing even if they are a year younger than him!

It definitely bothers me more than him.

Hi sorry for the late reply and if someone else has already suggested it, but I'd really recommend the book 'The Friendship Maze'. It has lots of tips about how groups and cliques work in schools and how you can coach your child to have better social skills. Good luck x