struggling with 11 year old DD

[jen28884]

Hello, i'm new to mumsnet and I'm just wondering if there is anyone else there who has a child similar to mine.

I have 2 DDs. Eldest is nearly 11 and youngest 7. Firstly I try so hard not to compare and never do in front of them but DD2 makes me realise how different things are with DD1. Youngest DD is a piece of cake to parent (so far!) very chilled, listens well, very adaptable and undemanding.

DD1 (11) has always been fiesty, highly strung and socially and emotionally young for her age - this is okay but there are a few traits that I just don't know how to deal with. She talks ALL of the time and doesn't let us get a word in edgeways. She also demands ALOT of time but only sees things in her favour e.g I could spend a couple of hours doing something nice with her like drawing and watching a programme with her but if I spend 20 mins doing something with DD2 later that day I am met with "you never spend time with me like that". I remind her of the things we've done and she point blank tries to convince me that that was different in some way and how unfair the situation is. She is a keen advocate of 'fairness' only ever sees things in her own favour. She is in her own world and defintely hears what she wants to hear. If I say turn your tv off at 9 o clock, when I check on her and she's not listened to me, she will be shocked and say I didn't say 9 oclock to her even though I am completely clear with her and I often ask her to repeat me to check she understood. She often gets into trouble for not listening but she seems confused each and every time and tries to convince me and my husband that we said things differently leaving us doubting ourselves.

She is what I call "never full up". I can go and chat to her in bed at bedtime and she will not let me leave for the constant talking / controlling. When I leave it ends in a debate, argument, tears...It's as though she ruins the time we do have together. She is very energetic but is contantly 'winding' up when she's bored (which happens regularly). We often confiscate things and take away priveledges when she misbehaves but this rarely works. We try and praise good behaviour when possible.

She is very well behaved in school, sits nicely and does as she's told (so she can do it!) but does struggle with friendships and often complains that she is 'left out'.

I try so hard to give her time equally but she can be very draining and sees things from a very odd standpoint. She is highly sensitive to things but doesn't seem to have any regard for anyone else when she does things to others that she herself hates. On the flip side she in wonderful with younger children and seems to connect really well with them.

Any parenting advice....we are feeling drained

Firstly, welcome to MN, I hope you find it useful

She sounds a little like my DD so you have my total sympathy, it's hard isn't it especially when you try and use logical argument and they twist things.

I've suspected that something wasn't quite right for a long time with my DD and started reading up on how ASD presents in girls and the different forms of ADHD.

It's only now she's in high school and has hormones to contend with as well as new friendships and a bigger workload that school are taking us seriously. It might be worth your time reading up on those too.

Also, I'd ask @MNHQ if they could move this over to the Preteens Section. You'd probably get a more balanced view as there are a few experienced MNers in there with DDs around the same age

She sounds quite ADD

Thank you both for your replies :) How do I ask MNHQ?

If you report your own post, you can ask them to move it in the message box that pops up.

Thank you :)

I suspect it will get more difficult as she's getting older :( Homeschooling has defintely been a challenge x

p.s i'm glad they are now taking you more seriously about your DD x

It's hard to understand a situation by few rows, no parents have a perfect parenting handbook, and every family is different... just to say I could be wrong. She seems too much self-centered, not uncommon at her age, but I would do several activities all togheter to let her see the pleasure of making things with/for others, mutually in a happy mood. Like preparing dinner, building something, cleaning or redecorating home... I would explain also she has the responsability/power of being a good example to her younger sister.
Maybe she needs to feel you closer to her, some ressurance by you.
Often kids, as well as preteen and teens, test the parental love, guide and support, just to have proof the parent is there for them. More you take things in hand, more she will be reassured. It means unconditional love always, no matter what, but at the same time some strictness in guiding and teaching her how to grow up. Be with her at bedtime, a lot of hugs, cuddling and kisses (physical affection is very important at her age), leave when it's time to sleep, if she makes it a big issue just don't be involved in that. Make it a routine, set a specific bedtime, maybe a time to be in the bed and one for light off, considering a 11yo still need 10hours of sleep (so watching tv at 9 could be too late). Stick with it, if she is not in the bed at the right time give her consequences, as an earlier bedtime the next night, consistently , no exceptions, at the same time without get angry and still doing your nightly cuddle, showing all your love (yes, a parent can be lovely and supportive also giving a punishment, it makes clear the consequences are just only an effective help and incentive for the next time to do what needs to be done).
"She often gets into trouble for not listening but she seems confused each and every time and tries to convince me and my husband that we said things differently leaving us doubting ourselves." ...so be sure you are totally clear and she understood what you are asking, if at 9:01 she is still watching tv, give consequences, as no tv the next two or three evenings. No discussions or compromises.
She should get into trouble everytime she disobeys you, not just "often", to be reassured and have proof you are always there to guide her on the best way just because you love her, as I would expressly explain to her with words and physical affection. Let her understand there is NO space for manipulation, you are the parent, you make the rules.
If it can help, look for some behavior, reward/consequences or "if/then" chart, getting it down on paper makes rules and consequences clear for all, then all you need to do is just being totally consistent.
This would help her also to understand she is part of a family, there's not only herself and it's not her to be in charge of all of you, the opposite, more she obeys you more she makes all the family happy, including herself since there will be no bad consequences but happy moments and rewards.
I don't want to sound an authoritarian bossy parents, I'm telling about a calm lovely family situation where things work and are in order, love is the first thing, the goal of punishments is just to make effective parenting a matter of fact, parents really care the children and give incentives to obey always/act in the best way for both/doing what needs to be done in the best child's interest, otherwise it's just words (as a kid would feel it, and even get anxiety by that) ). As well as sometime people say a lot of lovely words but when you need their help they are not there for you.
In short, give her a lot of unconditional love, but at the same be strict enough to let her see you're in control and reassure her you are taking the best right choices to let her grow up in the best way.
Maybe I totally misunderstood the situation, I hope this helps!

Thank you this helps! when I said she 'often;' gets in to trouble I mean that she gets into trouble everytime she doesn't listen but her not listening happens often. I guess lockdown isn't helping at all and making situations seem more intense.

This sounds a lot like my 12YO DD. I have no advice, but I understand how difficult it is. You are not alone in this. Mine is the youngest of our 3 and the older two get very fed up with it and then cross with her which makes things worse. It has always been this way but I feel I'm struggling more with it recently. I do feel it's causing a lot of stress in our house.

thank you - it helps to know i'm not alone. I start each day off determined to find solutions but feel completely frazzled by the end of some days. I suppose it's the merging of lots of personalities. My husband is super calm and mellow and I am a type A person but still quite introvert and reserved and DD2 is alot like my husband. DD1 is very sociable and loves the hustle and bustle and I almost feel that she likes the conflict. I love her so much but just feel exhausted by the end of a rollercoaster like day.

OP it’s like you’ve described my daughter ! Love the bones of her but so draining ..... I too have suspected ADHD - she does have cognitive processing disorder but they have tested her at school and she’s freakishly good at doing what she is told there ... makes it hard to reconcile who she is there vs who she can be at home.

No advice but you’re not alone

This! So much this!! One of my girls is so chilled and I try so hard not to compare them but the other is so stress, loud and sometimes she really upsets everyone. Her teachers can’t believe it when we tell them what she can be like. She is clever but puts so much pressure on herself. It’s is so draining and upsetting.

I don't think DD1s teachers would believe it either! She is so well mannered and behaved in school but defintely saves this behaviour for us. I know kids can do that and I am accepting of us all having different personalities but what I find difficult is when DD1 upsets and causes conflict with the rest of the family. It does make me feel so much better i'm not alone and i'm hoping that maturity will help them all (although i'm sure hormones are going to hinder for a while too!).

Our DS9 is exactly the same. He overtakes everyone and everything in the household.

Loud, often aggressive, talks over every conversation, impulsive, compulsive, sulks when he's told to wait or be quiet.

It is exhausting!

I think it's ADHD, but like some others here, his school don't report exactly the same behaviour so we can't get a diagnosis.

Just hoping that collectively all of our loud and bolshy children will calm down over time!

I'm wondering if you're still here OP and what the outcome was with your daughter? I found your thread after googling 'needy 11 year old' and your description of your DD is so like mine - especially the 'never being full up' thing, no matter how much love, attention and nurturing I give.

We suspect ADHD (and possibly ASD) and are waiting for an assessment. Did things get better with your DD? Any tips gratefully received.

Hello! 👋 It was really interesting re reading this post! Well DD1 is 15 now and while that feisty, highly strung, listens to no one personality is still there, things have definitely improved!

I think alot of it is to do with maturity but also we are not the focal point of her day anymore so respite definitely plays a part. She has a boyfriend who takes alot of her time! They have been together for 8 months so my worries about how she'll manage relationships has subsided a bit. She still struggles with friends at times, but she manages and I'm sure that with a strong personality, she'll have those clashes right the way through life. I think the biggest change has been the balance in her personality. Although she still has these 'quirky' views on things and we do disagree on things there are many qualities that are now shining through!

She manages relationships so much better and self reflects when things go wrong. She comes to me for advice and we do talk it through

She does amazingly well in school, she works hard and gets good results she is so organised and self motivated. Whenever we go on holiday she completely takes care of her own things - I don't even check what she's packed!

She is incredibly sensible and cautious. She used to be so immature but now she's the complete opposite!

She is confident and doesn't care (much) what people think. She speaks so well to adults and comes across respectful and polite

She has a strong loyalty to her family. She is very protective over her sister and we have such lovely times together now. Don't get me wrong,there are fall outs and bickering but on the whole it works.

I think mainly it's been a battle for her own independence and now that she's matured she can have responsibility for this and infact she's really good at making her own decisions. I completely rely on her when we go out somewhere to navigate b cause she's so.much better than me! She will happily get on a couple of buses and work out where she needs to go.

Don't get me wrong , it's definitely a battle at times with her but there are lovely things about her personality that just shine. She has mentioned that she thinks she is on the spectrum and we talk about it but she seems to cope well with life so we've never pushed for a diagnosis. I think she is on the spectrum also but that alone helps me understand her and why she does certain things 😊

@jen28884 what a lovely update! I’m so pleased that your DD is thriving and it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship. Great to hear that the neediness has subsided.

it makes a lot of sense that her needs are being met more by her relationships outside of the family. I get the sense that DD (who’s about to start secondary) needs more of her friends in her life, but with them transitioning from primary it’s a weird time.

I think the only advice I can give is to hang in there and in time things will change. Year 7 was the start of her doing things without us and making her own plans and it only developed from there. I'm not saying an ASD diagnosis is not worth you exploring, but for us, our DD managed okay in school so we decided not to. It's been sad to watch her in certain situations with friends but I think she's learnt so much from these experiences. I did worry that it would get worse in her teenage years but to be honest I've been pleasantly surprised. I am finding teenage years marginally easier than when she was a young child. The neediness can be completely draining and it's difficult to notice the positives but as she becomes less dependent on you and you get that breather you need , I'm certain things will get easier. These frustrating traits that get you to the end of your tether often turn into really great qualities 😊