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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

Depressed about dd.

18 replies

malificent7 · 06/05/2020 14:48

I love dd (11...year 7)and I am proud of her but tbh i am worried about her and it's my fault.
She refuses to do many things i say...most of the time i have little energy for a fight . So for example...i suggested she should come for a walk with us...but she's too sacred of covid. Fair enough but she hated walks before the crisis.
She's addicted to her phone and this is a big issue...i feel the internet has made her lack depth as a person although I know its great that she can contact her friends atm . She's not interested in reading ( hates paper...sensory issues?)and is a bit too interested in boys..at 11? She won't do art and has given up hobbies such as dance and singing at secondary.
I am a proper geek and love studying ( am doing 2nd degree), art, science, walking so I do try to set a good example. I have done things like buy her art matetials, a cheap microscope etc to try to stimulate her...but she just loves her phone...i try to limit it but tbh it has been very useful as i have big exams ahead.
She point blank refuses to let me homeschool her although she will do work school send her if i leave her to it.
I am not trying to mould her into me...i have expressed interest in and encouraged her old hobbies such as basketball and singing that are definately not my forte but she has let it slide in secondary.
As an aside she can be very rude...i used to sing and she used to call me crap at it etc. I feel very sad when i see all these little girls have a great friendship with their daughters.
I dont think she has ever forgiven me for getting with my fiance 5 years ago even though he has been nothing but kind to her and we try to include her in everything. He hasnt even moved in yet.
I think i have spoiled her. On the plus side, she is amazing with young children and old people, is great at performing arts and especially singing and is super feisty...not a pushover. Hard to live with though.

OP posts:
HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 06/05/2020 15:21

Do you need to home school her? I don't expect any of my year 7s to be sat with a parent next to them. They should be reinforcing previously learnt content or able to carry out research.

You need to pick your battles and be consistent, you can't let her be babysat by her phone when it suits you then take it off her with no warning. You've bought her lots of things but how much time are you spending with her using it? Relationships are built by spending time together.

Give her some structure to her day and set some boundaries. So she gets up, does her school work, then you check it (or she explains it to you) . Then she gets her phone. No phones in the bedroom or only 3 hours a day, whatever works for you. If she's resistant find out why, perhaps her friends are on it more in the evening etc.

If she doesn't like paper buy her a kindle if you have the money.
If she's feeling left out because of your fiance then perhaps start a project just the two of you where you can work side by side, whether that's redecorating her bedroom into a more grown up one, or perhaps digging a pond together in the back garden.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 06/05/2020 15:23

Why does she hate walks? If she lives her phone download poke on go or the Harry Potter version

Lynda07 · 06/05/2020 15:29

I've yet to come across any child who likes to hear their mother sing - exceptions being if they are a professional singer of course, someone much admired by all. Or dance!

If your daughter does the school work that school send to her, why worry about anything else? She is only eleven. Most kids of her age don't come across as all that deep, even bods.

She's also a bit old to be going out for a walk with mum and dad. I presume eleven year olds aren't allowed to go out walking on their own (not quite up to date being as my only child is 40) but that will change soon enough and she'll be out of the door like a shot.

Leave her to get on with things in her own way, she'll be fine. This is a hard time for all.

Original poster
malificent7 · 06/05/2020 17:15

I want more restrictions on phones...but she kicks off...i mean in a big way. I have been so busy till now working and studying that i didnt have the energy for epic hissy fits too. Far easier just to let her browse. Shite parenting i know.
How do you close pandora's box when othas been opened?

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 06/05/2020 17:15

It has...

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 06/05/2020 17:16

She hates Pokemon go and has grown out of Potter( sigh...) basically anything i suggest is bad.

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LovingLola · 06/05/2020 17:17

Do you at least have rules in place about you checking her phone regularly and her not having it in her room at night?

ladymary86 · 06/05/2020 17:19

OP over use of phones/electronics is almost the equivalent of an addiction. To put more restrictions on now is not going to be easy and she will kick off about it but you have to decide what usage you are happy with and stick to it.

Original poster
malificent7 · 06/05/2020 17:19

Id love to do an art project with her...not interested.
She has started cooking and baking though which is a massive positive. She cooked us mac and cheese the other night which we praised highly. However, she was only originally going to cook herself a portion and it took lots of persuading for her to cook for us too....it was yummy and we told her so.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 06/05/2020 17:20

I started with the no phone in room room rules then let it slide due to lockdown...more fool me.

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LovingLola · 06/05/2020 17:25

I’d pull that right back tonight. She’s only 11.

Fudgewhizz · 06/05/2020 17:26

@Lynda07 ha, I'm a professional singer and my 6yo tells me off if I even attempt to sing! Grin

Regarding pandora's box, OP, I think you're just going to have to bite the bullet. It may be hell at first but if you don't give in she will eventually calm down. You HAVE to stick to your guns though!

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 06/05/2020 19:09

In terms of a project you need to let her lead.

Do you have Netflix, there's a great Nadiya cooking program on there why don't you make it family time to watch one of those, maybe buy her the accompanying cookbook and some of her own cooking things and work together to cook. Perhaps you make a dinner and she can make the dessert.

Whatever you do give her warning, don't just spring it on her. "so DD on Friday I want three hours of your time, when is good for you?" You've told her what you want buy you've given her some choice. "Choose one of these activities" Give her a choice but be firm that you will do doing one of them. As you start spending more time together it will become more natural.

Lynda07 · 08/05/2020 20:36

Fudgewhizz, she sounds like a 'proper' daughter :-).

Oxfordnono12 · 08/05/2020 23:55

Put restrictions in place and let her kick off. Then speak to her about her behaviour and reinforce why restrictions are in place. Does she have a way of expressing herself? How does she cope with getting annoyed?

When my 11 year old gets frustrated or angry he'll go to his room to cool off and do whatever he needs to do to calm, he knows its normal to feel frustrated. This has taken a while to learn but I feel its important to teach him about emotions and that they are normal what is key; is how he manages them. There will come a time were his room wont work but he'll find a new way. So long as its healthy and safe.

Oxfordnono12 · 08/05/2020 23:57

Another thing has sparked is her interest in boys; Are you concerned about this? Is there something to be concerned about?

Original poster
malificent7 · 09/05/2020 04:11

Im not concerned about her interest in boys tbh....it is quite natural. She has started periods and is quite developed so nature has sparked that interest!!. She dosn't have a boyfriend...just the normal occasional crush.

OP posts:
Mary8076 · 13/05/2020 13:56

Install a good parental control on her phone, at 11 it's a parent's must.

(copy and paste my answer to another post about a 12yo just now)
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For Android you can install Google Family Link, it's the parental control by google (android is google) so like the "standard" one for android phones, totally free. Limit the screen time to the recommended maximum one hour a day, and totally block it at night (better one hour before bedtime). Block all the inappropriate apps already installed and set it to allow new apps installation only after your approval.
Set Chrome is the default browser and block any other one, that could be used to bypass web filters. Activate the web and Youtube filter, block specific inappropriate websites. Last, change his google account password to one only you know, he can still check email and other stuff he is already signed in, a notification will be sent to you to allow new accesses or subscriptions. Check in his account for messages and history.
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Parental control is an easy way to avoid phone addiction and big discussions, you don't need "energy for a fight". You can use it also as a reward/consequences tool, even threatening to block her phone (you can do it quickly remotely by your phone) or reduce screen time will be an instant effective boost to do the things you say!

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