Are all 11 year olds this bad

[Sportbilly]

Hi, I am the stepfather to an 11 year old hou who is making my life (and his Mums) a misery.

Whatever we do for him is never good enough and he complains about everything and anything. If we said the grass is green he would argue differently.

We give him as much time as we can, love, attention and buy him kids stuff, however, he is so difficult.

He does not listen.
He talks to his Mum like dirt
He thinks he has a hard life and is so entitled
He is generally horrible to be with an it is destroying the mood in the house.

How do we turn this around, and are all 11 year old boys the same?

I am sure we are making lots of mistakes too and in no way do I say we are perfect parents but it is soul destroying when we try to do the best for him and he throws it all back in our faces.

How long have you been his stepfather?

Is he at primary or secondary? Is this new behaviour, or always been like this? Are there other children in the household?

Boys tend to develop later that girls, whereas girls might start acting up at 11 boys are much later, mine was a complete nightmare from 15-22.
if he's behaving like this at 11 I think he has other problems, I wonder if he was badly affected by his mother's divorce, feels unsettled by your relationship with his mother.
It sounds to me as if he is seriously disturbed and not happy and is crying out for help in the only way he knows how by being rude and playing up.
i think you and his mum need to get help for him now because it sounds to me that he's deeply unhappy and by the time he gets to 15 he will be an absolute nightmare.
i rememeber my son could be very rude to me when I divorced his father even though there was no other man in my life. It was his way of showing his acute unhappiness.
You need to speak to your GP and see what help is available.
He sounds as though he has been traumatised by events in the past. Boys are very badly affected by the loss of a father even if their father's were a waste of space.

To answer some of the questions above. He has never known his birth father (who has never seen my stepmum), so he has been with his mother only for the biggest part of his life.

I have been with his mother nearly 3 years, and we have been living together for 1.5 years. I say stepfather but our marriage is not planned until next year....so apologies for the incorrect terminology.

He is at primary school (last year) and he has a baby brother (I am the father) who is 8 months old.

The last poster has scared me as this is what I have been saying to my partner, that if he is like this at 11 then it is only going to get worse.

He has never known his birth father and has only had a Mum for most of his childhood.

He sounds like my 11 year old, but we think our's is being bullied at school and there's a very big age gap between him and a younger sibling, so he's deeply unhappy about that. We get stropping and swearing and ignoring requests.

Get some 1 on 1 time with him to listen to him - it sounds like you have similar age gap issues. If it's only been him and his mum and there's now you and a baby, I can understand why he's annoyed. How much time does he get 1 on 1 with an adult, away from the baby?

He has had a lot happen in the last 3 years but this behaviour should be stopped.

I would arrange to sit down and talk to him so he knows that this is coming. Cake and a milkshake might help. I would start with you seem very unhappy and see what he offers in regard to improving.

His Mum especially can remind him that her love is unconditional, but she will not be spoken to that way. I would suggest that even if you don't intend to do this, you suggest to him that maybe you should talk to his teacher to see if he is behaving this way in school, as he can't have many friends if he treats everyone like this.

You need to show him that the way he treats people in his home is different to his teachers and his friends. This is unacceptable.

Any backchat, walk away and do not engage. You will speak when he is calm and collected.

When I am saying You I mean either his Mum if she can or both of you if she needs your support.

As for a hard life, at school if he has a school dinner, he will collect a tray and then the food, take his tray and scrape off the remaining food into a bin, put his cutlery in the right area and empty his water glass and put that in the right area. So maybe print out a list of chores that can be done by an 11 year old and show him what chores he could be doing. Just because he is bolshy doesn't mean he gets to duck out of a tidy room, dishwasher unpacking at least one day a week etc.

Yes I have sons, yes they do chores, without comment and willingly. They are now 17 and 14.

Chores are not paid because no-one pays you to unpack a dishwasher and it gives them the idea that chores are a take it or leave it. And xbox/TV whatever is his currency is removed for behaviour.

So, he has a new baby brother after having his mum to himself for a decade. There you go. How have you both been making him feel safe and secure?

Some good comments, thank you. Of course we both try to spend time with him, however, it is hard with an 8 month old as I work in the day and then home and his mum goes out to work....and I take the baby, I do recognise we should/need to spend more quality time with him.

He seems to have a few friends at school, and weirdly he seems to behave more civil to them, and his teachers, and seems to reserve his bad side for home.

His schooling is poor and the teachers (and we see at home) that he is very lazy. He had autism diagnosed as a young child, however, my partner believes this is not autism but his general behaviour (I do not know enough about autism to comment).

His lack of respect and listening is so bad. You can ask him 4 or 5 times politely to do something (simple - like do your HW or take a bath) but he will only respond if toy raise your voice and then complains wh do we always shout.

He knows his life generally is better since his mum met me (his words not mine) as she was a financially struggling single parent, and he now has material things and a home he never had before...

He complains about any rules (HW first before play and reasonable limits on screen time) but says he would never want to live anywhere else.

The whole situation baffles me

The whole situation baffles you? Why? Are you particularly dense?

He's 11. This happens. He needs some firm boundaries along with some attention probably. I'm confused at the autism diagnosis... so he has been confirmed as having it yet his mother knows best and he therefore doesn't have it?

Not listening is normal for 11yo boys
I think a huge part of this will be down to new baby brother's arrival- it's an enormous disruption for a child that has been a singleton for ten years!
There may also be an element of fear/anxiety about a new school in September, even though outwardly he may show enthusiasm and excitement, it will be a time of great change for him and he's judging changes by the arrival of his brother and the upheaval that has caused, so he's probably internally thinking secondary school isn't going to be great.
Ignore the bad, praise the good- same as you would with a toddler.
He's likely very insecure about his position in the family given the changes.
All this is normal reaction to a life he has no control, it has little to do with autism.
His autism may make communicating the turmoil he is feeling difficult- but most 11yos aren't able to articulate how they feel about these big changes in life.
Maybe read up on lovebombing?

There's a big chance he's not actually lazy- fear of failure is big in children with HF asd, and he may be so paralysed by the anxiety of getting things wrong that he'd rather not attempt work.
This happens a lot in my household (I have an 11yo boy with Asperger's).

I'm sorry OP, but I think it's quite clear that he is troubled and needs help

He lived his first 8 years without a father figure.

He was diagnosed some time ago with autism, yet his DM didn't believe this diagnosis and he presumably doesn't have any formal support with it.

A new man entered his life 3 years ago. He now has to share his DM's attention

He's approaching puberty

He's moving up to secondary school in September which can be a very anxious time.

A new baby has joined the family.

No matter how positive all of these changes may be, they are a hell of a lot to adjust to.

None of these factors excuse his behaviour. But I wonder whether it's time to seek help in unravelling his thoughts and helping him to re-find his place in the family?

And I really worry about the autism diagnosis that has been disregarded. Have you or his DM thought to revisit this?

I think you've answered your own question with the quality time thing.

It must absolutely be hard with a baby but an 11 year old is not mature enough to reason away your lack of time and his hurt feelings about it and, in the nicest possible way, is not responsible for your decision to have a further child.

Given both those factors, it's up to you and his mum to make sacrifices in order to make the time for him and not have him suffer because you're too busy and have another, much younger child.

I really do mean this kindly but is it fair to say that you know that that is going to be a big part of the answer but it's going to be hard so you're hoping there is an easier fix? If so, I think you just need to bite the bullet and really commit to the hard solution of finding more time to spend with him in a fun way. I really think it's your best shot.

Good luck (from a very imperfect parent!)

As the parent of an autistic son I'm really sad to read that your partner doesn't accept his diagnosis. It can be extremely difficult to get an ASD diagnosis, they aren't just handed out. If your stepson is managing in mainstream school he's going to be using up so much energy behaving and just getting through the day with his peers that home will be his safe space - look up coke bottle effect or spoon theory.
He will also hate change in his routine and environment, which a new baby very much is.
If I were you and his mum I would be acting now to understand his ASD because high school is a huge deal for all kids but often the point that neurodiverse children can really struggle and need all the support you can get them.

So he's autistic (but his mum still thinks he's naughty and lazy) and she's now moved in a bloke, got pregnant and had a baby in an 18 month period?

And you're really wondering why he has issues?

I haven't read all the other comments, but my DS (now 12) was horrible during his final year at primary. He had a big surge in hormones, grew 12cm, had the stress of 11+ and worries about starting secondary and all of that together made him difficult, stroppy and not a joy to be around. If I'd had a new baby somewhere in there as well I suspect it would've been even worse! He has now come out the side of it and gone back to being the lovely boy he always was before - but Y6 was a difficult year. For us, it was just time and getting over the transition from primary to secondary and getting over that hormone surge. I'm not saying that's what is going on with your stepson, but could it be?

It shouldnt baffle you - read Gazeldas post that should tell you what you need to know

Sorry OP you won't want to hear this, but to me it sounds like neither you or his mum have made much of an effort (hectoring, punishing etc doesn't count) to find out why he is so unhappy and to give him positive reinforcement.

You say you don't know much about autism and are unqualified to comment - why??? This is your stepson - you should be scouring books, the internet, everything you can get your hands on to find out as much as you can about how the ASD presents in pre teens and how you can help him navigate what is a really tricky phase in life (mom's new partner, new baby, starting secondary school) at the best of times, let alone with ASD.

I really feel you are failing this little boy (and storing massive problems for yourselves and him in the future!) Don't get me wrong - I've got a similar child myself and it is really hard. But I have noticed that the more we put in the happier and better behaved he is (obvious really but sometimes hard to do in practice when you are tired from work, new baby etc).

"You say you don't know much about autism and are unqualified to comment - why??? This is your stepson - you should be scouring books, the internet, everything you can get your hands on to find out as much as you can about how the ASD presents in pre teens and how you can help him navigate what is a really tricky phase in life (mom's new partner, new baby, starting secondary school) at the best of times, let alone with ASD."

^^ this says what I was going to say but in a much nicer tone than I would have used.

When I said I do not know enough about autism...of course I have read pages and pages of stuff on the topic, however, I if say I read a book on autism and i am an expert then I would be pulled to pieces for saying this...I was trying to say my knowledge is not that of an expert or somebody with more eexperience.

I want to explore this further but when I try to talk to his Mum she says "he is not ill"...almost in denial but from her experience of how he was as a very young child being diagnosed and how he is now (a different boy in her words).

I have an 11yo ds. At senior school. He is going through a negative phase, everything is a nightmare, he hates people, teachers hate him, he’s rubbish at everything, he hates what I cook him.

Yet his school report says he is a cheerful engaged if slightly shy child. And he eats plenty.

His whole mood is Interspersed by occasions when he gives me a hug & says I am the best mum in the world.

I try to jolly him out of it, take the mick gently and hope it passes. But it can be hard work.

Look, your stepson has had multiple changes to his family life thrust upon him. He's a few weeks off SATS, hormones are probably kicking in, friendship groups do tend to get strained in Year 6 and he has a new (presumably bigger) school on the horizon. His world must be feeling fairly uncertain and unpredictable. For an average child that's a lot - for a child with autism it's that much harder. He deserves to have a family which has made an effort to engage with his disability.

There will be parenting Courses run by your local council and Facebook groups you can join and get support from - the SeNCo at his school maybe able to direct you or google Local Offer which should contain local pages of groups. Talk to parents of other autistic teens - it will help.