DD says she doesn’t like hugs

[Derdu]

Hi!
As the title suggests- DD (8) has been pushing me away when I go in for a cuddle or a kiss. We’re a touchy feely family and I love to hug all 3 DC. I just took some time to ask her if everything was fine with her and she said yes. I asked her if anyone had given her a cuddle she didn’t like etc but no. She just said she just doesn’t like them. I will totally respect that but it does make me feel a little sad. Is this common? I’ve got a feeling it might not be a phase....I’ll have to show her love in other ways of course but it will make it feel like a part of her childhood is over somehow....

Firstly you have to respect what she's asked.
If its always kind of been there then its great that she's articulated how she feels - I wouldn't be too surprised if one of mine said it as she's never been into cuddles and touch like the others.
If its out of the blue then keep an eye - spend lots of quality time with her because something may have happened. Equally it might just be a phase but I'd be watching out if there are any other unusual behaviours.

Hi,
Absolutely, as I said, I will respect it and I suppose deep down I kind of knew it might come. It’s great that she was able to come out with it. That’s a positive. It had also crossed my mind that something might have happened hence the asking about the ‘cuddle she didn’t like’ and I will continue to keep an eye on her. It’s just that selfishly, I will miss showing her how much I love her in a way that means so much to me (I know there are a million other ways!) Parenting eh?

If she's not touchy feely - then it could be that she's either more visual or auditory (from some weird thing we did at work) - so show the love in whichever way you think will work best for her. Mine likes to hear stories, about the qualities we like in her, how we liked hearing that she did x, y, z, the stories about when I was pregnant, giving birth and how she was as a little baby. And even though she can read she likes me to read to her even now.
(The other one is quite happy with a quick cuddle and then wants me to shut up and bugger off!!! ;-)

My ds used to hate kisses when he was 3. He would kiss us, but we weren't allowed to kiss him. He grew out of it after about a year and is now loves them. Just let her set her own boundaries and you won't go wrong.

I was the exact same when I was younger , I'm not the most affectionate person now either , my mum tells me stories of how I'd run and hide from relatives who liked to give hugs.

As a pp has said , I love(d) hearing stories about when my mum was pregnant and when I was little and I really love hearing all the little mundane details they make me feel quite loved (not sure why) so maybe express it to them in other ways , think outside the box.

My dd went through this, and while I don’t think she will ever be a huggy sort of person, now at age 10 she has started being more physical and coming for hugs and kisses by herself. She would always love stories and being told we loved her, given praise etc. I think it’s linked to them getting an awareness of their own separate identity, dealing with that idea and then deciding what they are happy with. When I see her with her group of friends she definitely has a bigger ‘personal space’ than others do, that’s just who she is.
Follow her lead, try other things (talking to her, hair stroking, offering a hand to hold, sitting side by side) and she will show what she’s happy with. I like to think it’s a sign of self confidence and independence, rather than a rejection of me.
Good luck!

Now you mention it, she does love stories about when she was a baby. I will carry on with those. I have kept a book for each of them and writing down the things I admire about them. Maybe I’ll dig that out too for her- she hasn’t looked at it for a long time. She’s my only DD and my mum and I are still super-huggy so it just feels a bit weird- fighting your natural instinct to reach out....I suppose any relationship where boundaries change takes a bit of getting used to She’s not verbally affectionate either and very independent. The only thing she’ll do sometimes is wear my jumper or dressing gown. Maybe that’s her way of feeling close...She’s quite deep...

Chickenitalia Here’s hoping she might be the same. I’m glad she was able to say something. I suppose it’s just that parenting sometimes is hard....for me those hugs are a massive perk....

Respect personal space. It is really that simple.

My eldest, similar age, is exactly the same. Hugs are on HER terms and she's not always in a huggy mood. I just don't force the issue and usually she sidles up to me later and comes and hugs up to nick the blanket I'm under on the sofa. Her sister, in contrast, has NO concept of personal space whatsoever and would climb inside your clothes to get closer to you if she could do! There's no happy medium in this house!

Even as a baby she wanted to be left to go to sleep in peace and not snuggled up - it's just who she is. Hugs are available when she wants them but she's also at that point where parents begin to become deeply uncool (unless you want something) as well so part of it is that kicking in as well!

I find this very interesting - this is like me and my mum.

I have always been very independent and am not keen on being touched and hugged and kissed, which my mum is gutted about as she is very tactile. She continued to try and hug me throughout my teens when I didnt like it, and it really put a divide between us because she wouldnt accept that I didnt like it and said I was mean and hurt her feelings, so I eventually just tried not to be around her because I didnt want to be forced to hug and didnt want to be called mean.

I'm in my 30s now and I think she's still sad at the type of daughter I have become - one that keeps her distance. In reality I have kept my distance as an adult because I felt she never respected my boundaries with her constant quest to be physically and emotionally close. But i'm not like that. I have a different type of personality, i'm not a clone of her.

I'm not a cold heated person, I just ended up feeling disrespected and trampled by her. I'm now very affectionate with my partner.

Give her space :-)

Could be many reasons. I hated cuddling when I was younger. Still not a touchy feely myself but tried to ensure I gave kids lots of affection and tell them i love them. My dd recently was referred to OT and could be autistic. I suspect my other daughter might be As she struggles with friends, feels funny about certain foods and doesn’t pick up on social cues. I am now thinking I could be as well as I find it hard to speak to people and get the impression I don’t relate well to people and have no real friends these days to speak of and I’m not emotional at all so doesn’t bother me if I don’t hug my kids every 5 mins. This is just one perspective but could be a phase with your dd. Good luck she’s giving big hugs soon

Trixie my mother is just the same. I'll never forget the time she tried to hug and kiss me and I outright said 'please don't do that, it makes me feel uncomfortable' because she's not the sort that will take a hint. Her response was that she was going to do it even more often then, so I could 'get used to it'. I was in my twenties at the time. You're right, it's just a complete disrespect for boundaries.

My daughter is the same. I’d love to be all over her like a rash, but alas....she just doesn’t like it.