Really hoping for some advice. I feel I'm at the point of giving up on even trying to discipline my daughter; I wonder if it might be less tiresome just to let her carry on treating me badly and count down the days until I can ask her to move out! Awful thought, of course, but at the moment i really, really don't like her.
She's happy at school. She's nice and polite around other people. It's only me she treats badly. She's an only child and I've always been a lone parent. She's never met her dad (but we've always spoke openly about him and she has expressed no desire to track him down so I don't think her behaviour has anything to do with that) and we only see extended family at Christmas time due to living far away. It's pretty much always just been me and her so I can understand the feeling of getting fed up of each other 12 years later!
She calls me names on a daily basis - ugly cow, fat loser, tramp, lazy (I'm none of these things! I'm active, fit, healthy and take pride in my home but she's started to give me a complex!)
She doesn't do anything around the house and when i ask her to, for example, put her dishes in the sink she will SLAM them in the sink and say things like, for god's sake, do you ever stop nagging? Why don't you do it yourself if you're so bothered?
She will mimic me in an unflattering way when I'm on the phone to someone, she will roll her eyes whenever I'm speaking, she will call me stupid if she hasn't explained something properly and I don't understand.
I spend my evenings doing housework. She gets home half an hour before I do on school days and the house is again a tip: she leaves her clothes scattered around various rooms, rubbish from loads of food she's eaten in 30 minutes since returning home (yogurt pots and spoons on my couch.carpet, banana skins, orange peel etc - healthy stuff so it's not as if I can remove snacks). She leaves dirty tissues lying around, leaves taps on, doesn't close doors behind her (we live in a very old cottage and doors need to be closed to retain heat in rooms).
She used to be very intelligent and in top sets at primary school. This year is her first at secondary and parents' night was a shock. She is failing class tests that I didn't even know about, she isn't doing homework (she doesn't tell me about it), she chats to friends in class and is constantly being told off by teachers and getting moved because she is disrupting others. She's struggling in her middle set class. Since hearing this, teachers have now kindly started emailing me about upcoming homework and tests (though not consistently so there are still some I'm not always made aware of). I have set up a timetable for home for my daughter to revise through the week with me so I can support her and get her up to speed with where she should be but she HATES it. She gets even more abusive and tells me first years at secondary doesn't even matter and i'm forcing her to do work she doesn't have to do. She has no ambition for a future career and just isn't motivated to do well. She refuses to join any of the lunchtime supportive study or extra curricular clubs which might help her with her classes as she says they're only for 'losers'.
I have tried so many things since August to discipline her: banning electronics, going on strike, stopping pocket money, making her stay in her room and not allowed to be in my company, giving her a list of chores, asking my sister to speak with her, stopping her from going on sleepovers and days out with her friends. Anytime I implement these 'punishments' she throws a bit of a fit then goes ahead and silently accepts them. I tell her they will continue until she apologises and i believe she's sorry. But she shows no remorse. She says that she'll say sorry but it doesn't mean she is sorry. She's just so stubborn! She will go on like this for days even weeks.
And of course I've also tried sitting down and talking to her about how she is making me feel. But she just doesn't listen!
It's the emotionless/lack of remorse responses that get me. She just doesn't seem to care that she's hurting my feeling and always argues that she is justified in talking to me badly because i make her do it with my nagging and stupidity.
I'm worried she's going to go really far down the road and become absolutely uncontrollable. We've now not been speaking for two days due to her latest tirade of screaming and abuse which resulted in me telling her to stay away from me until she can treat me like a human being. She said she'll need to stay away from me forever then as I'll never be human! She's just gone off to school telling shouting the first thing she's said to me since yesterday: "Hope you have a crappy morning off!" and slammed the door.
Her swearing is another thing that is awful and something she can control as she only does it around me and not her teachers or friends' parents.
Her group of friends are so nice and doing well at school. And my daughter is a different girl around them. It's me that seems to be the instigator of her nastiness.
Sorry for the ramble but I'd be grateful for any help/advice I've realised that punishments which go on for days and days have no impact on her - she stops remembering why she is being punished. Things have to be instant and permanent to have an impact but then does that give her chance to redeem herself?
Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.
Preteens
My 12yo is awful to me and shows no remorse.
NCForDaughterQuestion · 12/02/2020 08:21
Stop doing for her what she can do for herself. With teens, you have to be one million steps ahead.
Is there a chance she may be getting bullied or something has happened? Have a chat about that then get the tough love tactics out your bag of tricks.
Chores not completed means she cant go out to see friends until they are done.
Work with the school to find out what you can do to get her back on track.
Remove gadgets until she has tidied her room or completed what she needs to do. If she doesnt tidy it, then she doesnt get her phone back.
Stop paying for these items also if the behaviour continues.
She can make her own food should she wish to do so.
If she can control round others, then she's being an idiot. Having said that, they hurt those closest to them.
Sending you 
and 
I think the quote that was on Netflix's Sex Education season 2 was the most poignant when the single mother said
"I am your main care-giver and yet I get the worst of you."
Would your daughter be willing to sit down and have a grown up conversation about how you can both move forward from here because it sounds like she is unhappy too.
For me, I am old school, hard core. I would take her key. If she makes so much mess when she is in the house alone then she can't be left alone. Can she attend a homework club at school? And yes my best friend did this with her daughter when she was bringing back randoms she had met in town on her way home from school 
When my eldest spoke to me like shit I told him that if this was a relationship he would be dumped and removed from my life because no-one speaks to me like that with contempt and disgust. I have also filmed him when he was at his worst so he could see his behaviour toward me. At school he was a complete delight, so this was just for me. He didn't treat any of his friends like that and we talked about why he felt he could do that to me.
They are relying on you to be the one immovable force in their life and I agree reading Get Out of my Life, But First.. book is helpful.
You are not alone op
The difference between primary and secondary school seems significant. Is she feeling stressed (academically) and mucking around to distract from that? Or is she bright and isn't being stretched enough and is taking advantage? Or is it coincidence that hormones hit at the same time?
And get hold of a copy of "Untangled" by Lisa Damour which I found very helpful.
I totally understand why you feel like giving up but they need us to "hold on to the end of the role" during this stage while they thrash about while they change from child to adult. It's often those who are most attached to their parents who find this transition the most challenging and kick off the most as a result.
Come over to the "holding on to the end of the role" threads on the teenagers board , and start reading thread one. There is some good advice on there. Then join us on thread four if you would like to vent.
Above all, don't give up (however tempting this seems!) but also try and change your parenting a little. Step back a bit, try not to take the verbal onslaughts personally (their brains are going through huge change and aren't fully formed until 23/24 yrs old) but do remove yourself when she is being rude and insulting, don't get drawn in to long battles, quietly challenge some of the worst insults and repeat your expectations about civility and kindness when she is in a calmer mood, pick your battles, tell her you love her lots (teens default position seems to be that everyone is against them) and most importantly, don't be drawn too far down the rabbit hole of negativity, take time out for yourself to make yourself happy , take up a new hobby, get support from friends, model self confidence and self respect. And don't do what I did and get beaten down and depressed by all the negativity, which then resulted in more negativity from DD, which became a vicious cycle. Make sure - whatever happens - you keep communicating and doing pleasurable things every week or so like taking her out to lunch or coffee. And give her things to do which are slightly challenging and outside of her skills set ie give her a taste of adult responsibilities. Start each day afresh if you can.
Finally, drink 
.
Very helpfully, there are parents on the "holding on to the end of the rope" threads who have been through it and are more or less out the other side so rest assured that "this too shall pass".
for you. This is so so difficult.
Agree with @BuckingFrolics and @Pegsinarow.
My 17yo dd has never met her bio dad, who left me when I was 5 months pregnant never to be seen again. Her teenage years have been absolutely horrendous.
If it’s any comfort I married an old friend when she was 3.5 and had two boys. So I think you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
I broke down to the school one day, and got support in the form of Early Help, who were amazing, she saved me, she saw me and saved me and my family.
Stand firm. She loves you. You will get through this.
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