DD 11, sleep issues. We don't know what to do!

[BaconAndAvocado]

For the past month or so DD has been waking in the night and coming into our room to sleep.

We only have a double bed so it's a real squeeze and DH and I never get a good night's sleep when she's in with us.

I know she's far too old to be doing this. We have tried being firm, being angry but it always end with her getting upset and distraught in the middle of the night.

She's is currently in Year 7 and having a tricky time with friendship issues and generally feeling overwhelmed.

Although I'm sure we will get judged for this, we have decided to let her sleep on a blow up bed in our room until she's feeling more secure.

I don't know what else to do and wish she would sleep through buteo don't know how to make this happen.

This is most probably a phase and hopefully not a long one.

Anyone got any other ideas?

My DD's also 11 and she does the same sometimes. It ruins DH's sleep as he's a light sleeper anyway. When he works away for a week, she always sleeps in my bed with me.

I don't think you're doing the wrong thing at all. 11 isn't that old...it's actually quite small in many ways and they need to feel secure.

For now, it's ok but look into building her confidence...maybe put her in an after school activity such as art or drama?

My 9 year old does this from time to time too.

She clearly needs the comfort of knowing you are both there. I think what you are doing is lovely - she will know how loved and wanted she is, that her feelings and emotions matter to you both and that you want to comfort and protect her. I am sure in time this phase will pass, but the warmth and love you have shown will stay with her and strengthen your relationship.

That’s the way I see it anyway.

Thank you both for your kind support.

BillHader she is 11 and an August birthday and so a little bit behind her peers in many ways.

Ironically, when I spoke to her last night about it bring absolutely fine to come and sleep in our room, she went on to spend the whole might in her own bedroom!

the warmth and love you have shown will stay with her and strengthen your relationship

Thank you Monster , that means an awful lot to me.

There is usually a percentage of children in year 7 that get overwhelmed at this time of year, as the excitement of moving to a new school has worn off. My DS went down the route of feeling sick before and during school. The pastoral support staff at school were brilliant and really helped him.
It could be worth a chat to your DD's pastoral support at school to ease her anxieties. Then that may make her nocturnal activities better.

DS is 10 and has recently started asking for a night light again (actually he started putting his bedside lamp on at God awful hours of the night and we had to get up and switch it off so suggested the night light when he said he was afraid of the dark. I suspect for us there's some attention thing going on (relatively new younger sibling) but I think there's genuinely a development / stress element to this as he's got a lot of life changes going on - SATs, secondary school allocation, friendship issues, start of puberty etc. I would guess it's a reassurance thing but maybe suggest she keep a note pad by her bed to write down any concerns she has, before she goes to bed, and suggest staying in her own bed with a night light to reassure her as it will make it easier for her to get back off to quality sleep, but it will pass in time.

INeedToGetHealthy exactly that! DD often feels sick (which I guess is anxiety) and sometimes ends up in the pastoral unit.

I'm not sure if she would be too pleased about me talking to the Pastoral Team!

Having the spare mattress in your room is great. I'd be less keen on her starting the night there.
My brother had a thin mattress and duvet stored under my parents bed for year and years. Its good she knows you are there for you. Dont push her away when she needs you most.

The overwhelming sentiment round herexatvtge moment is parenting young kids us physically hard. Parenting Tweens/Teen in mentally hard work.

I know loads of kids this age who’ve needed to do this around this age, and older. It’s perfectly fine. People just don’t talk about it.

M'y DD does this a lot and tries to engineer situations where she also starts the night in my bed. She's happier in my bed even if I'm not in it!

Kitten No, she doesn't start in our room. She goes to bed in her own room then usually ends up in ours in the middle of the night.

I honestly don't see a problem with this other than logistical as long as you're otherwise ok with it. My advice would honestly amount to "can you fit a bigger bed in your room?"!

We have a giant bed in anticipation of our babies needing to come in with us at some point in the future when they have nightmares etc. One of our main criteria for where we live was "is there a room big enough for the bed?"

I think this is fine. My 13 yo would still sleep with me if she could and I let her sometimes. If the mattress on the floor works I would go with that and let her grow out of it. As a PP said, best not to let her start the night there but if she wakes up and needs someone then I think it’s fine. 11 year olds and older all over the country are doing this - even though they seem so grown up and independent in actual fact they are still babies !

I went through a phase of this around the same age. In my case, I was irrationally terrified my mum was going to die. It lasted a few weeks and then I was back in my own bed again and it never happened again. I think I would just go with it for now and see if it's just a phase.

I used to do this as a child too, I loved sleeping on my parents floor next to their bed. I even went in for sleepovers in there sometimes until I was about 13 🙈 not all the time of course. I was scared of our house (old and creepy) and it made me feel better. I’m sure it’s just a phase

Thanks all

I feel a lot more relaxed about it now.

Our 9yo DS is in with us from about 2am regularly. We bought a super-king bed when he was about 5 and it dawned on us that the situation might be ongoing. If you've the space I would thoroughly recommend it.

My other tip would be separate duvets for you and DH. That way you can both tuck yourselves in and you don't get kicked as much by the giant-baby in the middle.

I did this until I was about 13 - in my case, it was night terrors (I still have them). My parents never made a big deal about it and I felt understood and loved. One of them would simply move to my bed and I would sleep in their bed with the remaining parent.

The opinion of anyone that would judge you for responding to your child’s needs isn’t worth worrying about. It won’t be forever, a need that is met is a need that goes away.

Our 12 and 9 yr olds still appear at random times, usually after a nightmare or if they know DH or I are away and there’s more space in the big bed! They get a lot of comfort from it, and that can only be a good thing.