Won’t throw anything away

[Wipingsides]

I think my 12yo dd is developing hoarding tendencies. A few years back she started to refuse to sort out her clothes & giveaway items she’d outgrown. I’d go though her stuff when she was out & take to the charity/ give to friends - then all hell would break out when she realised. Lately I do it surreptitiously- taking the odd thing here & there. In recent months I’ve left everything but after Xmas her room is overflowing. She hasn’t emptied the sack her Xmas presents we’re in.. new clothes just piled on floor. We’ve tried to say she can’t have anything new until she clears out but she gets gift vouchers / ££ for Xmas & does actually need new things as she’s obviously growing at a rate of knots.
Two weeks ago I gave her some big bags & boxes & asked her to just sort things into them so we can just move things that don’t fit/ are memories upstairs.. i reassured we’d keep them but that we needed to clear her room. I gave her 2 wks to do it.. it’s not been done so tonight tried to do it together starting with her desk.. all went well - 3 piles agreed, to put in a box upstairs, to go back in her desk & to throw out. The rubbish pile was tiny.. literally scraps of paper, some old crisp packets she’d saved to shrink down into key rings 2 years ago!!! Then as we finished up she started being stroppy with me.. tears followed.. then got herself in an absolute state.. took the rubbish out the bin - to photograph it.. she photographs EVERYTHING I ever try to throw out.. then said she doesn’t like her desk now & it feels weird & she is currently going through the boxes & putting everything back!!!! I’m at my wits end.. trying so hard to counsel her through it but she’s being totally irrational.
My question is does anyone else have experience of this type of behaviour & do you think it requires some kind of professional help?? She is displaying signs of real anxiety over this so any ideas on how to help her would be greatly appreciated.

No experience of this but my DS also hates throwing things away, including clothes he's grown out of. He can cope though if I take things to the charity shop. I think it's partly that he genuinely doesn't care about mess and partly fear and anxiety of growing up and changing, which is really normal at this age. hence the desire to hold on to things as they were/from childhood.
Could you start with a very small area first? Let her get used to it, then move on to the next. Maybe try to find ways of talking through her worries?

Tell her it's one in, one out. If she wants Christmas presents she has to make room. Likewise, if she wants those new shoes or that new toy she's been asking for. Nothing comes in till something goes out.

God my mum and dad would have just picked the stuff up and taken it way. I'm afraid I think I would do the same. I would not be allowing old crisp packets to be stored in a room for 2 years.
As a pp said, she doesn't get anything new until stuff has been taken away. She's 12 you can take the money and gift vouchers off of her.
Maybe seeking help would be a good idea.

Hi @Wipingsides. Sorry, I'm late to this, but wanted to add my bit as someone who is a lot like your DD.

Your DD sounds attached to the little girl she once was, and also to the girl she wants to be creative and amusing (the chip-packet keyrings), well organised, and a great archivist of her life (the photos). She invests those old clothes and papers with a lot of emotion. This is very sweet, but as you have seen, it will crowd out the new and there must be new clothes, books and experiences as she develops.

I think you're doing the right thing by asking her to sort stuff for storage. If you can reassure her that the old clothes etc are not being chucked out but simply put in the attic so that her room has space for new things, this will help ease her feeling of losing her childhood. Emphasise that this is not about throwing things away but putting them in ORDER. Ask her to decide what she can still use and what is best kept as a memento. Assure her that it is about her choices, and the best way to make choices is to get everything in order first.

Some people (including me) have an exaggerated sense of responsibility toward things. Personally, I hate letting my things go unless I know someone else can use it. I want that thing to go on to a new chapter. I recycle and compost household waste, donate good clothes, turn ragged old clothes into patchwork, keep my stationery in order and recycle it only when used up, and get my shoes mended. Once I got into the swing of all this, I found it a satisfying way to live. Cheaper, too. And my sewing skills are awesome!

Can you talk to your DD about the benefits of keeping her possessions in order? Tell her gently that you appreciate her respect for things and the people who made them. Tell her about the kids who would love to have the nice things she has outgrown. Suggest she thinks of ways to recycle worn-out clothes. (Cotton jersey is prime material for this; I've just made a loose-fitting casual dress from T-shirts I'd worn ragged. I'm also chopping up my DD's old leggings to add a flounce to an out-grown T-shirt she wants to keep wearing, and the remnants will become a scrunchie.)

Sorry to have gone on at such length, but I do feel for both of you and wanted to pass on what has worked for me.

To recap: Order first, then creativity!

@groovergirl thank you for taking the time to explain. This is really helpful.
It’s hard to put the situation into words - & I’m well aware it sounds like I’m just pandering to her & not ‘taking control’ over a mere 12 year old.

@Wipingsides, I don't think you're pandering to her. I'm guessing you're not hoardy yourself, which is why you find her attitude bewildering.

As a hoarder who has learned to keep herself in check, I realise I must have driven my DM crazy with my attachment to complete and utter rubbish. I remember a huge, tearful row over a wallpaper sample book our neighbour (an interior decorator) had given me. I'd taken out the wallpaper for school projects but refused to let go of the folder, which couldn't be refilled and was useless. "You're just being spiteful," DM said, but I don't think I was; it was just that this folder had been lying around for so long that I couldn't imagine life without it. But it went into the next garbage collection, my life didn't crash and burn, and DM was happier for a slightly more orderly home.

Recently, sorting through DD's old clothes, I realised I was no longer attached to most of them. They'd been stored for so long, out of sight and mind, that I could let them go. I kept a few key pieces and the rest went off to the next crop of little girls.

As for "taking control", please beware. I've read too many hoarders' stories in which the child's parents have thrown out or given away their toys because "you're too old for this now!". Deprived of choice and control, they developed a serious hoarding disorder and ended up in squalor.

I doubt this will happen to your DD, because you clearly want to understand her thinking rather than strong-arm her. If you can encourage her to store away things she no longer uses/has outgrown, I suspect that in a year or so she will have lost her attachment and will easily let these things go. As long as she knows she has choice and control, she'll probably be OK.