10yo devastated about moving house

[turquoise50]

My DS is in Y6 and is having a really hard time with the (long distance) house move which we have planned for the end of this school year.

We chose this timing deliberately to coincide with school transition as we thought it would be easier, but the fact that 90% of kids from his current school all go to the same secondary is making him feel like he’ll be losing everybody and everything he knows.

TBH though this was kind of the point! There are a lot of kids there from deprived families and a lot with behavioural problems. DS is very bright and doesn’t get enough stimulation there, and to make matters worse he has always had a tendency, right from toddlerhood, to make friends with the naughtiest kid in the class. As a result both his work and behaviour have been steadily deteriorating and we were worried that if he went on to high school with the same crowd, things would get even worse.

Various family circumstances led us to decide to move back to an area we used to live in (not same city though as now too expensive) which is a huge change for us all. We somehow managed to get DS a place at a really good private school in the new city. He had a couple of taster days there last autumn and loved it; compared with his current school which he comes home from most days in tears or raging about something. However he’s now freaking out about having to leave his current friends (including his ‘girlfriend’ who he’s ‘in love with’ 🙄). He’s clinging to me, sobbing and begging me not to move and to let him go to the same school as them. He’s going through a lot of general preteen angst at the moment anyway and he personally is utterly convinced that he has undiagnosed depression, anxiety and ADHD (I have asked for GP referral but still waiting).

We don’t HAVE to move for work etc and could back out if we had to, but I desperately want to go, and I feel if we pass up this school opportunity we’ll never get another like it. But sometimes I feel like the worst parent ever and am terribly worried that this move which we’re largely making ‘for DS’ will destroy him.

Any advice please?

I totally understand. Ive had a slightly similar experience with my Son. He didnt want to move as it meant moving in with my partner and his Son. He went into meltdown over it and I couldnt do it. I do think this is different though as you know this move will 100% benefit him in the long run, of course he wont see that now. I sounds like the right thing to do but I do sympathise as its heart breaking dealing with a child who think their whole world is changing!

Op l do feel for you, we made the decision to move this past summer two hours away.

DS is 12 and DD is 13, Ds would have been moving on anyhow so a good time for him, but he was still reluctant, we had tears and upsets, DD seemed OK but had a really hard time as we were moving, she was very settled at her school.

We moved last August and it took DS a month now he loves his school and friends. The school he would have gone to had we not moved was high achieving, and he would have been ok, but the new school suits him better personality wise.

It took DD a term she now has her group of friends which is helping although she misses her old friends so we mae a point of inviting them for sleepovers on holidays.
When the upheaval was happening and they had their upsets, we consistantly promised to help them see their friends, and reminded them that in life moving is inevitable and although they couldn't imagine enjoying a new place and school more they probably would.
We talked enthusiastically about all the good bits and sympathised when they were upset. We also got family members to talk to them about their experiences of moving in their teens...them more common it seemed the bettter they acccepted it.

In your case you are choosing a better life for your child, and patticularly the school, so hold strong, he cannnot possibly realise at 10 what a huge difference and bonus that is. He liked the school so will settle well.Keep talking positively and you will be fine.

Have the courage of your convictions - he’s 11 years old and you’re the grown up! Easier said than done I know.

We decided to move ( job related so not just on a whim etc) nearly 2 years ago when Dd was in year 6 and we already had a place for her at secondary. She was fine about it initially but unfortunately by the time it eventually happened was in her second term of Year 7 so by no means ideal. I still remember her breaking down and crying for nearly 3 hours when we told her and I just wanted to wrap my arms around her and say we wouldn’t move.

We’ve now been moved 12 months and I know she wouldn’t change things - within a week she was happily settled and had a good friendship group. It would have been great if she could have started at the beginning of year 7 but due to house completion etc it just didn’t happen, so she was 3 weeks into the spring term before we actually moved. The new school is actually much better academically and stretching her more, there is a lot more extra curricular activities on offer and she can walk to the bus stop which gives her more independence.

Children are resilient and it sounds like he really liked the school when he visited. I’m sure within a week or so he’ll have new friends .

I appreciate its really hard and children are often resistant to change but it sounds like a good move for his future and yours as a family .

As pp said keep talking positively and let him know it’s fait accompli so to speak - it’s not up for discussion.
He will be fine.

you say its a nice private school you picked for him. What if it doesn't work out? I.e. turns out to be not so nice, or you're unable to keep up financially?
Kids are resilient, but they can also become very resentful for years to come.
I'd be careful to wrap this move to be "all about him".