9 year old DD constantly arguing with me

[MissMudskipper]

My DD whose 9 has turned into an absolute fireball of emotion. Fine one minute absolutely raging the next over something and nothing. I seriously dont know how to cope anymore with this. It also only seems to be aimed at me. With her dad shes fine. Or shall I say he seems to know how to deal with her.

For instance we got her an xbox for Christmas (second hand). I'd bought her a monitor riser so she could have her tv above it to save some space. I'd started to sort it and when she came in she flew into an absolute rage - shrieking at me that it wasnt right. I understand shes at that age where she wants her own control etc. but I was absolutely aghast at how hot with temper she became all of a sudden. I know I should have simply got her to do it now looking back but I was just trying to help. In the end I left her to it so she could change it to how she wanted but the whole time she was screaming in her room. Her dad came home from work shortly after and managed to calm her. I feel awful because it shouldn't take her dad to do that but she doesn't want to listen to me.

Any advice would be gratefully received. I'm at the end of my tether and feel such a failure. We've had another temper tantrum this morning hence why I'm asking for help.

For background she has lots of hobbies - swimming brownies, sports clubs at school. Shes a model student at school - teacher has nothing but praise for her. Like I said shes such a good kid but seems to have changed all of a sudden.

Thanks for any suggestions xx

Sounds like puberty. My 9yof is the same but hormones as are settling down now. I got her a book about what is happening to me and try to be calm in response as emotional regulation is not fully under control. I highly her and hold her when I know she cannot calm down by herself. I get her to write using a reflection cycle on what happened, how it felt, and how she could have dealt with it and what she learnt

I did wonder cocodomingo if it might be puberty starting to creep in so it makes sense. That's a great idea about a reflection cycle as she loves to write so that could help. Thank you.

I'm trying my best to stay calm as I know it'll only worsen the situation if I dont but my god its so hard at times. Seriously dont remember being like this when I was younger but maybe my mum would say otherwise I suppose!!

It sounds hormonal to me. I think if i was faced with that i would walk away and leave her to her tantrum, then talk to her later when she's calm. She's probably just as confused as you are about why she's having these surges. Maybe see if you can find some strategies to help her to calm down when she feels this emotion rising.

Puberty or not, screaming at you is not acceptable. It sounds as though your husband comes in, calms her down but there is no punishment. I have an 11 year old who has occasional bursts of temper and sulks but if it gets too much she gets punished.

Following with interest

Same here with 8YO DD. At the moment I'm trying not to take it personally and seeing it as a bit like toddler tantrums.

The difference being we can theoretically talk about it when she calms downs.

Apparently getting the giggles at her dramatic flounces and "you don't understand how hard my life is" (it really, really isn't) is not the best response.

Neither is asking her if if she has suddenly become a teenager.

So pretty much failing on all fronts here other than increasingly sounding like my mother, albeit when I was a bit older than 8.

An in tips gratefully received!

It's a hormone rush at that age and very normal.

One of the things you can say while they're screaming is to acknowledge that they're having an uncontrollable feeling -
"It looks like you're really struggling with your feelings so I'm just going to step out and make a cup of tea, come and find me when you need to"

The goal is to make them feel safe while they have it. So acknowledge, try to let them know you're there and move away if they're not receptive (you don't want to get in a cycle of punishing secondary behaviour)

Ignore everything apart from the original infraction - google 'secondary behaviour'

And one of the references I use for parents is not for them to try to remember a hormone rush (it's too long ago and too temporary for them to have remembered- we're designed to forget them) but instead remember when they were really pissed or out of control, really heartbroken, the madness of being bereaved - those feelings are much more like a hormone rush in that they're all consuming in the moment but temporary. But we remember the fullness of them.

Looking at the child having them feels utterly baffling to us but their world is really small and the overreaction is there to prepare them for the bigger ones - and I don't mean they remember but that their brains are stretching and preparing for growing up.

I agree with PPs, I just walk away but I also check that they've eaten and drunk enough because if they haven't then they tip into tantrums more easily. This morning DS suddenly had a 'my life is awful - wail' whilst in a nice, hot bubble bath It was so ott and ridiculous, I almost laughed but instead I got him some snacks then left him alone. A mindfulness class helped too. He's learning to recognise that emotions sometimes just come up from nowhere and will just pass.

LaurieFairyCake some really good tips there thank you as well as everyone else whose commented. It's good to hear some of your stories as well - at least I'm not alone!!

Also KatyCarrCan that really made me laugh. These kids eh?! What they do to us!!

Gosh yes, sounds exactly like my 12 yr old dd. Literally flips from everything being ok, to biting my head off, in a second. I'm struggling to handle it all, and do need to try to step back and not argue with her, so will be taking the advice above on board about acknowledging that she's struggling with her feelings and stepping away.

Sounds like my almost 9 year old, baffling, frustrating and sometimes hilarious all at the same time.

Acknowledging her feelings seems to work, but also to make it clear that telling and being rude isn’t acceptable either seems to be working at the moment.

Thanks for the tips!