Does anyone else have an 11 year old who has got really rude and sneery? Doing my head in.

[RhubarbTea]

Caveat: I am premenstrual, so this is bugging me extra hard right now but it's been going on since before my DS turned 11 in the summer.

I get that he's started to develop earlier than I expected (thought I'd be dealing with this around age 12/13 so I was kind of caught on the back foot) and is hormonal, but my 11 year old has been a little git lately. He started wanting privacy about a year and a half ago, which is perfectly fair enough. He's got spots, body changes, his voice is starting to get deeper and the sex ed book I got him prompted him to google porn (aaaaaaaagh) until I realised and had a chat with him. He just wanted to know how sex worked which I get but I am horrified by what he has seen.

But the main ongoing thing is his attitude is horrible a lot of the time. I remember being a bit of a shit to my mum at age 11, but it's so wearing. It's not the content of his words but the attitude and disrespect, it gives me the rage.

He was previously impeccably behaved almost all of the time and was only ever like this when really tired. Now it's constant. I'm a single mum and am so fed up of being talked down to. I'm normally relatively strict and not a lax parent but it's so exhausting always having to be on my guard being he's horrible or rude so much of the time. I've started to feel relieved when he goes to his Dad's (50/50). His Dad supports me if he is rude to me in front of him and he is less like this with his Dad as he wouldn't bloody dare - so I get it all.

When he's not being horrible, he's lovely. He still this smart, funny and kind person underneath that I love so much. But it's like hormones have changed his personality.

Tell me it's not just my 11 year old...

Haha! My 11 year old ds sounds so similar! One minute he's lovely, funny, intelligent, great to be around but the next minute he's moody, sulky, bad attitude. It's certainly a rollercoaster. He's my eldest so I haven't been through the whole puberty stage yet.

Came here to start my very own thread on similar lines... I feel your pain. My eldest DS is about to turn 12 in a couple of weeks. He is like Jekyll and Hyde. One minute lovely then 5 mins later, screaming and shouting and being rude and sneery. We had our proper Xmas Day today due to being away visiting family over Xmas. He was thrilled with his presents and he was grateful and kind and lovely, helped me with lunch and chatted away to me in the kitchen. After lunch, I asked him to turn off his XBox and all hell broke loose. Escalated so much (I always remain calm and don’t shout but do give consequences) he tore down his Xmas decorations, smashed his xbox controller, told us he hated us, slammed his bedroom door. I have left him to calm down but I have confiscated his XBox. He made me cry he was so vile.

Is this normal hormonal teenage stuff?? I’m so sad right now.

Yes. For some anyway. It’s vile and corrosive. I think if you can hold the line on respect, without losing it, that’s good. I lost that battle a while back- I am perpetually amazed by the things my son thinks he can say to us ( and no amount of Hard Stares or turning off the wifi stops him). That said, the wifi / xbox controller is your friend. It’s essentially a remote control for teens/preteens- take it and they are yours to control.

Mine went through this and came back out again quite quickly so don't worry too much. Does he have his phone/access to the internet at night? If so, start by getting him to hand it over at 7.30 pm. This should give him tome to relax before bed.

Try to get him outside each day too, if you can.

And try to have zero tolerance on the talking back. My DD gets one warning and if she's rude again the phone for half an hour.

Zero tolerance for bad attitude.
Loads of love and telling him he’s fab whenever possible.

Mine was VILE at that age til about 15. I was his main target. Couldn’t do anything right. His “anything for a quiet life” father was useless and if I’m honest I’ve never quite felt the same about him since; you expect your DH to stick up for you don’t you? ANYHOO.... thankfully DS is out the other side now and other than the odd blip (nothing like before though) we get in brilliantly, he’s mostly respectful and pleasant and I’m proud as hell of him. He’s lovely. He always was - he just hid it really well for a while....

I feel your pain. My 11 year old hasn't shown any other signs of puberty yet but he has got really rude and sneery at times, doesn't want to be seen with me and has started grunting when you try and have a conversation with him. My 13 year-old has autism and he doesn't do any of that and will run up and give me a massive hug when I come to school concerts etc.

Thank God I am not alone and thank you for the replies. I lost it with him this morning after I walked into the living room after getting up and the way he greeted me was to shout at me and tell me not to interrupt him on the Xbox as he was in a really difficult bit of his game. His attitude and tone was horrendous. I told him he had three minutes to finish up, which he did and then sneered 'If I've lost all my progress it's your fault' I went nuclear and told him he would have no gaming for a week, or watching gaming vids on youtube and told him to go to his room to get dressed. I was so angry.

I swear I have got to this point after 11 years of parenting and I have genuinely never been a shouty mum, I never really raise my voice although I am quite strict and firm about boundaries etc. But this testosterone laden sullen young man is pushing me to my limits right now. I have spoken to his Dad as I said I would and he fully backs me, and agrees zero tolerance of shitty disrespectful attitude is the way to go. He's behaving similar towards his Dad actually (I thought he wasn't) so at least it feels less personal now.

I have cried or been close to tears because of him so often recently and that's so rare normally. Fucks saaaaake.

for anyone else going though this bit.

Oh OP. It’s horrible. I used to cry and cry sometimes. Actually now I think of it I had a complete meltdown once; proper sobbing and he was devastated. I don’t actually think it does them any harm to be reminded you’re human.

We’ve just come back from a trip to deliver something and we had such a good chat and a laugh. God I never thought we’d get to this point.

You WILL come through it 💐 🍷 🍸

I almost cried on Christmas Day when my 12 yo had a complete strop at me for asking her to repeat something she'd said, I simply hadn't heard her.

DH was out taking guests hone with DS.

It can be really tough sometimes can't it

DD 12 started this when she was 10. Bach rescue spray helps. Also understanding that they're going through a difficult time.

My just turned 10 year old has just become very back chatty and know it all. It's really unpleasant and driving me mad. I also feel it's going to make her unpopular with both teachers and peers the former being worse. As I keep telling her, no one likes a smart arse but she just seems to get worse

I've told mine not to be a smartarse for the same reason but it falls on deaf ears. Gah!
I hadn't thought of Bach rescue remedy, thanks for that suggestion!
It's good to know that it will pass.

Infuriating- her latest when i try to correct her is to blow a raspberry or squak/hiss at me like some sort of .. I don't know what. Embarrassing and unacceptable.

I've never thought of Bach's either. Will definitely be giving that a try. Thank you.

being told you're a smartarse isnt going to work but its a good way of letting a teen know theyre pressing your buttons..'hard-stare'..bach rescue remedy??..no wonder your kids can see through you,you lot would wash away with the rain lol

Bach rescue spray for them or us?

I have a belligerent almost 11 year old here. So mean and argumentative! It's also making DS look angelic which seems to make everything worse!

Disengage, don’t fuel the fight if you’ve got a backchatter. But give them a good chance to do the arguing they need over more neutral issues.

I have 2 teenagers didn't really think that through when they were cute babies DD is now 16 and DS 14 and they are totally different, DD had to be told bluntly and straight this is what you done wrong, this is why is it was unacceptable and this will be your punishment.

That approach didn't work for DS, he didn't care if you took away his xbox or phone, no impact at all, if he was rude or disrespectful I would ask him how he thought it made feel when he was behaving as he was and I would tell him how it made me feel, I never shouted but he did not like being questioned.

They both seem ok now, over the worst of the teen behaviour I hope and seem to turning into respectful young adults fingers crossed

🙋🏼‍♀️ we have one of these too.

Can be incredibly thoughtful and kind, and then absolutely foul 15 minutes later. She presses DH’s buttons particularly, I’m better at not reacting or enforcing the rules calmly - he just explodes!

Mine was . In the end back to basics.

I took everything away from him x box phone etc . He had to learn to communicate with me approximately before he could talk to anyone else . Refused mates over. Soon dropped it.

We also did have a conversation about it’s ok to have different opinions, but been a grown u isn’t been rude to anyone.

I've said that repeatedly to my son: that it's okay to get angry or to disagree, but being unkind or rude isn't acceptable. He's always been pushy when he wants something, now with added man hormones I don't want to raise a bully! He's far too spoiled materially as well which I have limited control over (his Dad likes to express his love by buying him stuff, no matter what I do).
Feel like we all need a support group. It's so mentally draining having to be calm and consistent and set boundaries when someone is being a little shit to you over extended period of time. It grinds you down.

You need a preteen thread like the parents of teens one. Don’t look at that one for any answers tho as we have none

I'm quite happy to be there with you. My preteen has been more or less ok today. This is a rare day

Yes, but she's now 12 - only just so started when she was 11.

Most of the time we will get on fine, but I'm constantly trying to watch what I say so she doesn't over-react. I don't always get that right though. I just ignore. I think she's looking for a reaction. I usually get her telling me she hates me or similar. She doesn't do the same to DH at all.

I'm not sure if she chooses me to be rude to because she thinks I prefer her younger sister or she cares more about trying to get a reaction out of me than DH. I don't prefer DD2, its just that at 8YO DD2 is much more clingy and wanting hugs and putting to bed etc. DD1 wouldn't be seen dead with any of that and hasn't since she was 9 or 10.

I'm hoping it wont be like this for long. Didn't get any of this with DS and I'm dreading DD2 now.

Yes although I have a dd. She's 11 and previously she was an angel child. She loved helping and spending time with me and wanted to do anything I did. Her older brother was the one who had always been hard work (turns out he has Aspergers so he's a different kettle of fish) but my dd turned from the most sweetest, funny girl to someone who constantly criticises me, picks fault with everything I do (the way I stand, where I put my hands) won't let me sing or dance (she used to love this), says everything I do is cringeworthy and embarrassing , moans about everything which makes her seem really ungrateful and it seems subliminally makes me out to be a terrible mother. Really gets me down sometimes. I know it's probably her age but it is hard work, I feel your pain!