Bedrooms grr

[BillyWilliamTheThird]

AIBU to expect DS (11) to have some semblance of order in his room?

He frequently tells me he has no school clothes (he does, they've all been shoved under his bed) or that he has no Ventolin left (when he has 5 half canisters lying around). Clothes, homework, general untidiness I can handle and he can suffer the consequences for but not having his inhaler to hand is more of an issue.

There's so much junk on his shelves that the cleaner can't clean properly so it's thick with dust which obviously isn't helping his health either. I'm not really expecting a full blown sense of responsibility in an 11 year old but... just... something? His school report said all sorts of amazing things about his being independent and having leadership qualities so it's not like he can't do it, he just CBA.

He has a lovely big room, with loads of storage. DH and I are relatively tidy so he has fairly decent role models.

When I was 11 I was expected to have a properly clean and tidy bedroom by Sunday evening every week, having dusted and hoovered it myself. He has been expected to pick up after himself since he was old enough to walk so it's not like he's some spoilt little prince who has someone do it all for him.

How do you begin to instil a sense of responsibility in an 11 year old Stig?

I have a 15 year old stig. I just close the door and leave her to it. It's her room and as long as she doesn't leave the rest of the house looking like a shit tip I don't care. I figure one day she'll grow out of it and if she doesn't then when she leaves I'll be hiring a skip! !

Also, when I was a child I was expected to have a spotless room too. None of my friends ever did, they were allowed to have their rooms just as they pleased. Possibly another reason why I may moan about the state of her room occasionally but ultimately leave it as she likes.

If it wasn't for his asthma I would say leave him to it. I spent a lot of time moaning at my teens to tidy their rooms and in the end I let it go and gave up. I thought if they want to live like it it's their choice. I felt so much better and they grew out of it.
The thing is it's detrimental to his health.

Exactly. My instinct is to let him be a grotty little animal if that's what he wants except that he also needs to take some responsibility for being able to actually breathe.

I'm struggling to find a compromise.

Regarding the junk on his shelves, could you buy a ton of storage boxes or baskets for him to throw everything in so at least the cleaner can get to them to dust them a little easier?

List.
Another list.
And another one.
Ds 11 is amazing if a list is produced!!

Or throw some of it away?

I have an 11yr old stig. I've been trying to improve her room for years without any success. Leaving the mess meant I was the one stepping and slipping on things whenever I ventured in there.

barefoot literally every inch of wall space is taken up with Ikea storage solutions which are half empty because he never puts anything in them, or they're full to the brim with junk 😡

And Charlotte I go in with a bin bag every school holiday. I refuse to throw away expensive toys like Lego, Gravitrax and Snap Circuits though. The boy is like a magnet for crap; he brings home interesting stones and lumps of wood for wittling, half packs of sweets, broken toys that he plans to fix, stuff he's taken apart to see how it works and then scattered about, random sheets of guitar music....

I have threatened him with losing all his stuff, I've bribed him, we've tidied it together. If it weren't for his asthma I'd let the tide was over me, Canute style.

Winterdays I guess a list of what needs doing and how is my last option. No screen/ outdoor time til done properly.

I think with the asthma thing going on you may need to take the lead on this one OP.

Can you sort through his shelves and storage with him and sell, donate or bin at least half? The cleaner really needs to be able to hoover and dust in there regularly.

As for his school uniform, I have given up battling with my two. I take it, wash it and hang it back up. Anything else just isn't worth the arguments.

Could he keep his inhaler in a drawer in the kitchen too? At least one of them? Do you supervise him taking it?

I think if you sort out his shelves and under the bed, give everything a really good hoover, including his mattress. Get rid of most of his soft furnishings and then keep on top of it, his asthma may improve dramatically.

At the moment though, I think you may be expecting just a little too much

Tell him clearly what he needs to do. Maybe do it together once and take a picture or make a list of the jobs that you expect to be done. Give him a deadline ie you do it by x time on x day. If it isn't done, remove a gadget or treat until it is done. No drama or negotiating or whatever. Just be clear.

I also thing the key to this is that you have 'threatened him with losing his stuff'. He thinks you don't mean it so he doesn't bother.

We insist that bedrooms are cleaned every Sunday, they just don't get done otherwise.

What are the other rooms like? Is there a box room he could move into? Then he can have bed, clothes and, most importantly, the inhalers. His toy storage - could that go elsewhere somewhere more public so there is a push to nag him enough to keep it tidy?

The only thing I would worry about is the dust and access to inhalers in a hurry