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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

Kids ruined my / our Sunday together

38 replies

gnomeathome · 24/11/2019 15:07

Sitting here in a grump.

Its my first Sunday off in 3 weeks (I work weekends in a 45 hour week) and was looking forward to taking the 3 kids out for the day. We planned to go to an exhibition we had all been looking forward to in London. It comes to leaving and I ask DC1 (13) 'have you got your travelcard'. No. So I ask DC 2, 'where is yours' DC2 (12) also doesnt know where his is. All 3 kids start arguing over who had/saw them last. One pushes the other , bickering continues etc etc. After their half arsed attempt at searching for them I said 'Right that's it, take your coats off, we are not going'.
(In theory we could go and I was tempted but I am refusing to pay £10 each for them to get into central London, but also feel sad about this non family time now and the tension I/they have created)
So after some vigorous leaf blowing and shredding( It works as an anger management tool!) I am huffing around the house as I really wanted to go out today and was looking forward to it. We won't get to see said exhibition now as it finishes soon and this was our only chance.

I am really peed off and have told them so, taken their phones off 2 of them and told them all to sort their own lunch out, I am on strike!
Also , not long ago, they finally made their own lunch, I said make sure you clean up. Just walked into a kitchen sink full of plates and frying pans. I would have hoped my upset mood might of have some effect. Clearly not. How do you manage ungrateful kids? Taking liberties away doesn't seem to work. (They don't have lots of stuff to take away as we don't have much money, so no consoles or their own computers). sigh. Just needed to vent!

OP posts:
EleanorReally · 24/11/2019 15:10

oh you cut off your nose to spite your face op. what a shame
pick your battles

count to ten next time

Nicolamarlow1 · 24/11/2019 15:14

Have some kind of box/holder in the hallway where they put their travel cards as soon as they come in.

Blueemeraldagain · 24/11/2019 15:14

I understand you are upset and frustrated but piling punishment upon punishment becomes meaningless after awhile.
They couldn’t find their travel cards and bickered about it so they
Didn’t go to the exhibition
Has their phones taken away
Had to make their own lunch (perhaps not a punishment as such but you meant it as one).
And now you want something else?

Kids lose things and siblings bicker. I think you overreacted/are overreacting.

Original poster
gnomeathome · 24/11/2019 15:23

I have a box in the hallway for just that. They just never seem to go in there! Only mine does! And I feel the two older ones need to be a bit more responsible for looking after their own stuff rather than me having to ask them if they have put it in the box when they come in.

Yes I totally cut my nose off to spite my face! I realised that as soon as I said it but hoped it would prompt them into really trying to find their stuff. Didn't work.
I don't think I want anything else Blueemerald. I Just think I want to know how to manage them better. What does anyone else do? Just suck it up and say okay?

OP posts:
NearlyOutedMyself · 24/11/2019 15:35

Its too late for this time, but maybe next time, get them to look for their travelcards the night before so they're ready.

Thoughtlessinengland · 24/11/2019 15:39

You might have worked out that the benefits for you were greater to go out for the day after all and then taken the extra money off their pocket money of Xmas money if you were really that fussed about it. That was they might have learnt a lesson, and you might have still had a day out.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 24/11/2019 15:47

Get them back in the kitchen to clean up. Calmly tell them this is not acceptable. You work hard to provide for them and they can at least clean up after themselves. They are old enough to be responsible. And they should remember this when asking you to take them to x or do z. You are their parent and you love them but time for them to step up.

They can then bring you a tea/coffee when they have finished.

Ribeebie · 24/11/2019 15:51

I agree with @EleanorReally, what a shame.

Atalune · 24/11/2019 15:52

failure to prepare, prepare to fail.

Get stuff ready then night before. It’s the only way.

Teens and Preteens are like toddlers in many ways

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/11/2019 15:54

People lose things. You're a parent, which means, at this age, helping them find solutions, rather than punishing wrongdoing (which will inevitably make them turn on each other). Result: annoyed children, no exhibition, anger and shittiness all around, no one learned anything.

Solutions: you all work hard until you find the travel cards. They pay for the trip out of pocket money. They come up with a solution. Anything that is about learning skills, fixing mistakes and making things better.

OverByYer · 24/11/2019 15:54

What a shame. Think you’ve overreacted though and could have salvaged the day. Yes it’s frustrating that kids lose their things. Maybe make sure they are better prepared sooner in advance next time?

BlackCatSleeping · 24/11/2019 15:59

It sounds like you are determined to ruin the day. Confused

My kids bicker all the time but we head out and have a nice day. You knew they were careless with their travel cards but waited until the last minute to ask about them.

Starlight456 · 24/11/2019 16:04

I asked my preteen to Tidy kitchen up while I did shopping . Had spent yesterday gutting and sorting out his room . It was a ten minute job. I got back he had just washed a few dishes so I sat down said I will put shopping away when it’s done .

He did it we moved on .

You have spoilt a whole day out because bogey couldn’t find cards .

You could of gone 20 minutes later When they found cards

Floralnomad · 24/11/2019 16:05

Definite over reaction , I’d have said you’ve got 5 minutes to find the cards or you pay for today’s travel out of future pocket money , then once they’d looked gone out as planned . It’s you that has ruined the day OP not the dc .

MitziK · 24/11/2019 16:07

Does that mean they'll have to walk to school in the morning?

Serves them right if it does.

Whiskers14 · 24/11/2019 16:11

Blimey, that was a bit of an overreaction, OP! Are you sure you actually wanted to go yourself? You threw in the towel really quickly and, as others have said, if you know your kids are a bit rubbish with their travel cards, why not sort them out the night before? Sorry, but if anyone's ruined the day, it's you throwing your toys of the pram.

Whiskers14 · 24/11/2019 16:14

Oh, and in terms of managing them better, I'd suggest more forward planning, but if that doesn't work, set a 20-minute window for them to find the cards or they'll be reimbursing you the additional fares from their pocket money. Then they'd have still been punished but you'd have had your day out.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 24/11/2019 16:15

Yeah, you over reacted, it was you who ruined (and continues ruining...) the day

What fun

Not

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/11/2019 16:15

Serves them right if it does.

I'm all for natural consequences. But I do wonder about people that are so gleeful about children being punished. None of us are perfect, children are also just learning. What we want to teach them is how to recover from mistakes, make amends, apologise, move on and feel good about their actions.

BlueMoon1103 · 24/11/2019 16:21

Not going to lie OP, I think you’ve been harsh. Not going on the day out I get as it’s a direct consequence of losing their travel cards but taking their phones away too? That seems really unnecessary!

TulipCat · 24/11/2019 16:26

Massive overreaction on your part. You have ruined the day, not them, and set a terrible example to boot!

Cocobean30 · 24/11/2019 16:30

You should have had the travel cards ready, surely you know not to rely on children Confused seems like you essentially set the whole day up to fail so you could kick off?

MurrayTheMonk · 24/11/2019 16:40

It might be an over reaction but I can absolute see how you've ended up at this point if your dc are anything like mine are at the Moment. They take no responsibility for any of their own stuff, give no help at all, and are constantly demanding things it seems. People warned me that teens can be incredibly selfish but I wasn't prepared for how much it wouldn't grind me down.
It's been this way for a few months and I'm not sure where it's come from.
When you've worked all week, are knackered and you are looking forward to spending time with them and they can't even behave for ten minutes it's incredibly frustrating and depressing at the same time.

Lots of people have been along to say what you should have done or what they would have done better. I will do neither but I will offer you a bit of reassurance that you aren't the only one to seemingly over react when faced with this kind of situation.

LonginesPrime · 24/11/2019 16:44

Just walked into a kitchen sink full of plates and frying pans. I would have hoped my upset mood might of have some effect.

Sulking isn't going to teach children to do chores. It's also quite manipulative.

If they leave a mess in the kitchen, call them back in and make them clear it up. Teach them how to wash up and where things go if they're not sure.

They will eventually get tired of having to come back and tidy their mess after they've moved on to something else and will do it automatically, but it takes hard work in the meantime to go through the trouble of calling them back as it's obviously far quicker and easier to just clean up their mess.

ssd · 24/11/2019 16:45

If you eork do much it sounds like you don't really get to spend much time with your kids, they sound normal to me, at this age they loose shit all the time and they need to learn responsibility, but it all takes time. You losing it didn't help. Still, we're all human.