Depressed 9 yr old and hyper critical dh

[freddy45]

Poor Dd2. She's always been sensitive and a bit closed off. She is a people pleaser and desperate to be popular. She is a twin and her sister and dh are very close whereas she's a bit of a mummy's girl.

We've reached a bit of a crisis with her. We lost my df a few months ago and they were very close - she was his favourite by a mile. She has been put in a different class then her sister for the first time (mutual decision very much supported by the school) and although is flying with work, is really suffering with friends and being excluded. No invites or play dates this term. She's lost interest in her out of school activities and has asked to stop them one by one.

Dh is very robust and expects dds to be too. Dd1 takes this in her stride and just ignores him when he goes into grumpy sarcastic old man mode. Dd2 is taking it to heart. He really showed his disappointment when she asked to give up music lessons and she's really upset. She's been in tears every day for a week and really clingy with me.

The thing is he's right - she is at risk of isolating herself badly. She's great at sporty things so giving them up is a worrying sign and I think it would be great for her self esteem and wellbeing to find something new. However it's really tough to get him to reign back his usual sledgehammer inflexible approach and I am scared he's inadvertently doing more damage. The irony is he adores her and is generally a very loving dad.

So I guess I need 2 bits of help. Firstly what can I do to help her with her negative mindset in general . She's having some sessions with the school counselling lady and me and her are having some good if difficult chats but what else.

Secondly how can I help her deal with her dad better? I am hoping me telling him he's being a bit of a cunt will see him dial back his critical approach but her resilience is so low at the moment it needs bolstering.

I feel a bit caught in the middle at the moment and also worry a bit about dd1 as most of my energy is directed at the child who is struggling (dd1 also worried about Dd2 - although they fight like cat and dog they are close)

Christ just direct him to stately homes thread and he can read how critical parents who don’t show unconditional love leave emotional chaos in their wake.

How bad is he that guy are trying to make a depressed and struggling nine year old responsible for managing him? He needs to change, he needs to take responsibility for it, to read, to go to parenting to see that being a loving dad doesn’t excuse you also being a twat.

Generally you seem to get gradual change ... she sounds great and with lots of positives but more positivity usually comes in slowly.

Can she not go back in the same class as her sister? I know it doesn’t solve the dh problem but it does seem like her difficulties have stemmed from moving classes? Fwiw I am an identical twin and was in the same class as my sister all through school, it was the same for another set of twins in our class as well. We split in secondary due to sets but we were still in the same form class

Ciwi I have raised that as a possibility and neither of them want that at all. I talked it through with her teacher as well and we figured they would be separated in yr 7 anyway so better to help her learn to manage now in a smaller environment.

DH isn't as bad as I made him sound. He is an incredibly loving dad and hugely protective of both his dds. He's just not massively empathetic and not always as emotionally literate as I may like. He's actually amazing at getting Dd2 to calm down and is better than me at helping her find a positive mindset just a bit too blunt with it.

Good chat with dh today about unintended impacts and the need to help dd in a positive manner. Reminded him that she's more like me in being goal oriented and motivated by praise and he's learned to handle me over the years.

She is so similar to him in the way she looks, the things she likes and what she's good at I think he needed it pointed out blatantly that her mind works differently and what is motivating for him is too critical for her (dd1 is the exact reverse).

Now to find her something which engages her and gives her purpose. She's been a total delight this morning and it's lovely to see her happy and relaxed.