DS 11 is criticising me constantly

[Guzzies]

Hi
First time poster here looking for advice.
DS seems to be in full-on teenage mode with me. He is constantly criticising me and making scathing remarks about my dress sense, age, social awareness. "That top is for someone younger" "you're so old and ugly" (47 and not bad looking) "you were really rude to that person" (I wasn't!). I'm very self confident so it's more displaying, rather than devastating me. Just not sure if I should ignore, ignore, ignore OR tackle it?

He says he wishes I wasn't around and recently when I challenged him about this and asked if he was saying he hoped DH married someone else, DS said "pretty much".
Advice welcome!

You’re lucky that I love you and those comments bounce off me like Teflon.

However because they are really rude and intended to hurt you’re punishment is....

You cannot and I will not tolerate being spoken to like that. Carry on by all means but know that you’ll be a very bored, unhappy boy. For as long as it.

Then punish the more effective way you know how.

I wouldn't ignore at all, how odd?!

My teen parenting philosophy, whenever they have got a bit uppity, cheeky or plain rude (e.g. in a fit of temper) is to state: this is my house, I live in it and I want to be happy. I don't want to be criticized by you, or have you make me feel bad thanks, and if you carry on, that will affect how cooperative and wiling I feel to be 'nice' mum and give you lifts/money/give you a nice life'.

Usually the child will have a think about it and apologise (sometimes after a bit of a temper)

It hasn't happened that often and I don't require complete obedience, I'm prepared to go through the odd outburst or out of place remark, but it's really important to let your children know you are a person too and deserve to be treated nicely in your own home. I've very rarely had to do any punishment as my kids want lifts/nice clothes/treat food and this means we all have to cooperate to make it a good life for everyone.

Tell him to fucking pack it in.

Exactly what I would do. There is absolutely no way I would allow my son to make derogatory comments to myself or anyone else for that matter. This is a crucial time in his life and you are the parent so he has to get a very clear message from you that his behaviour is NOT acceptable

Aw OP

I have 12yo dd and she is bloody horrible at times. Her latest thing is to scathingly tell me I've got no friends. I have no close friends but I'm happy with the friends I do have. We are both on the spectrum I suspect and she says things with no filter.

10yo dd is always telling me I'm beautiful and the best mummy ever (when she's not screaming that I'm the worst 🙄).

Is he at high school? I've found that was the start of dd12 being very bitchy. They try to fit in with the "cool talk" and don't realise how bloody offensive they are. The boundaries are getting really pushed at this age. The lines between child and teenager are blurred and quite frankly they are often little sods.

I agree with reinforcing that he has your genes and men don't age as well so he'll be looking much worse at the same age

Is he having self esteem issues and projecting body image things onto you perhaps?

It's a tough age for them and for us

That is awful. My son (13) can be hard work but he doesn't talk to me like I'm dirt!

I'd turn off the internet before he's half a foot taller than you. Do it now, introduce it as a measure that you take in response to his disrespect now, because BLINK and he'll be six inches taller than you and you'll be wishing you'd started to implement punishments at 11.

I would also go out for a meal on your own. My kids were so rude about dinner a while ago. I told them there was no dinner this week. They were ordering pizzas and I went out for noodles on my own. I wasn't out for hours but they got the message.

Wow! OP here. I'm really surprised so many of you replied to me about this.
Having read all the replies with interest I can say:

1. No, hes not being bullied in school, very happy there with nice gang of friends.

1. My gut tells me that ignoring it is the wrong approach too. This is happening WAY too much, too frequently, and I need to be MUCH firmer in my response to DS when he makes these nasty comments.

1. He is quite developed and I think puberty came early before his head has caught up. I have shown this thread to DH so we can present a "united front" in response.

Thanks so much. I'll let you know in a couple of weeks how things go.

X

Plus I agree with many of you who suggested sitting him down with both of us to see if anything is up with him. We will do this and then spell out the way forward that does not include these nasty comments to me.

DN went through a phase like this so I replied with ‘do you bully the kids at schools like this too, do I need to have a word with the teacher to warn her?’ She knows I would follow through with that and the comments stopped.

I understand why others are saying tackle it but having been that teen (albeit a bit older) who was utterly cruel to my mother between 13 and 15, definitely ignore entirely or laugh off. It is for the reaction. His hormones are causing him to be full of fury and he's trying to get a rise/start a fight. He does it to you because deep down he knows your love is unwavering.
I used to make my mum cry constantly. As an adult I've sat her down and massively apologised, and since becoming a mum I've apologised again. I feel terrible guilt for how I behaved at the time - I DID know better but ultimately was so full of the red heat of hormonal anger I needed a vent. I had no brothers or sisters to let it out with either. So my poor mum got the lot. BUT what did make it worse was that my mum rose to it. So I was getting that outlet. The other thing is she didn't understand really how I felt - she has said more recently that my teens took her by surprise because she was a more introverted personality and never struggled with the trying to break free thing like I did. She found her teens a straightforward time.
I honestly think ignore totally or laugh at it if you can do that genuinely. Him seeing that what he says about, say, your appearance has no bearing on your own feelings about a) your appearance or b) on your love for him will do him a good service in the long run. It's ok, though, I think to say that you don't care what he thinks about your appearance as all that matters is that you're happy with yourself but that you are disappointed that he's being so unkind because that's not the way you expect him to treat anyone, especially not his loved ones. Just a calm consistent message.
I had constant pocket money docked while I was younger because of my verbal behaviour. That did nothing because in the heat of my teen tantrums I genuinely had no control over what came out of my mouth. I'd be full of remorse afterwards but that had no effect on the punishment. I'll be thinking a lot about better ways to reflect on bad behaviour and reinforce good when my own dd (now 2) gets there. I do think teens being like toddlers is so true.
Hope some of this is vaguely helpful. I've thought about this a lot as in hindsight I can't understand my own cruelty but I do remember it was often like a switch had gone off in my head - and I wish my parents had been more sympathetic to how bad the hormonal shift was for my mood/self control at that time.
Good luck OP! X

For those saying that you can't ignore - of course you can't ignore the lack of civility and that needs to be discussed, but any kind of meaningless empty threats will make it far far worse.
My mum once threatened to have me taken into care. It both a) escalated my rage and made the situation worse, and b) stayed with me to this day. I knew she wouldn't, but also a tiny little part of me questioned how much she loved me. Since I've become a mum it's come back to me; how could she ever have even said that as a silly threat/punishment. It didn't work but it deeply hurt, at a terribly difficult time. Please don't do that. Just be calm and straightforward and consistent and loving in your response.
Sorry you're going through this OP. X

Yuko I can sort of see your ur pov but if OPs ds sees that it is OK to speak to people like this he may continue to do it all his life. Some of the things you said to your mum will have hurt her feelings, no matter how old you were or whether you were in a hormonal rage. Words hurt and your mum tried to make you realise that. (and conversely her words hurt you too).

The OP could give her ds a way out, eg 'ds go and sit in a different room until you have calmed down and then we can talk rationally'. But he has to realise that his words do upset people. It also sounds like he isn't very remorseful so coming down hard is really important.

Empty threats never work as part of any behaviour and reward system. Everything needs to be backed up by actions.

If he was behaving like this with anyone else at all I'd agree with you @Teachermaths - but I think the telling thing is that it's only his mum. He knows he's in the wrong; he's doing it for power. Yes, he needs constantly reinforcing that it's not acceptable. But in my experience big responses from parents give the child that power over the household happiness.
I know I hurt her. I knew it at the time. I've no idea why I did it. If I could undo it I would. I think a lot (A LOT) about how to avoid repeating the dynamic with my own daughter. Maybe I'll be back in a few years to say I was wrong, but these are just my few thoughts from having been there.
If it helps at all my mum and I are very close - speak most days. It was only those 2-3 years in my teens that were hard between us.

An update!

DS was away for 2 nights with DH. DH reported that there was a good few anti-Mum remarks and he shut DS down each time. He also challenged him on some patronising comments about women.

When he came back most of the sneeriness was gone. I've been MUCH firmer if he does interrupt, moan or sneer. So far, its working! He is much more pleasant.

Sounds like DH did a good job of being a positive role model.

Let's hope he continues down the right path.

Great stuff, that sounds very positive.
Team effort!

Thanks to everyone. Quick update- things have continued really well with DS. Less attitude, more helpful, more loving. I'm delighted the approach worked!

Im glad your dh has got your back a bit more.

It cant have been nice for him to have to hear his child speaking like that to the woman he loves either

My dd 10 can be like this some days to me. My Ds 12 doesn't (he can be rude/off in other ways!). I do tell her off (& Dh does) & say OK I won't bring u to gymnastics r whatever n she'll apologise but honestly I don't think it's a concern. Kids will try get reactions she likes to push my buttons & dreading teenage years. I know that outside DD would not dream of saying stuff like this to anyone else. She's the peacekeeper in her group of friends & if anything too quiet in class (according to her teacher) so if she let's off steam telling me I have awful clothes & terrible hair mostly I laugh at it & tell her she'll end up like me one day r remind her who is bringing her shopping on sat!