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Preteens

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Original poster

DS 11 is criticising me constantly

68 replies

Guzzies · 28/10/2019 04:46

Hi
First time poster here looking for advice.
DS seems to be in full-on teenage mode with me. He is constantly criticising me and making scathing remarks about my dress sense, age, social awareness. "That top is for someone younger" "you're so old and ugly" (47 and not bad looking) "you were really rude to that person" (I wasn't!). I'm very self confident so it's more displaying, rather than devastating me. Just not sure if I should ignore, ignore, ignore OR tackle it?

He says he wishes I wasn't around and recently when I challenged him about this and asked if he was saying he hoped DH married someone else, DS said "pretty much".
Advice welcome!

OP posts:
Teateaandmoretea · 28/10/2019 07:55

I would tackle it in a wider way - why does he think it is okay to insult a woman like this? Does he treat girls at school the same because that is nasty, sexist bullying and you would be deeply ashamed of such behaviour.

Quite simply judging people for what they look like is wrong.

What does your DH say about it? Is he normal or a sexist prick? It's coming from somewhere I suspect.

daisydalrymple · 28/10/2019 07:55

I have a 12yo DS and absolutely would not ignore or accept this.
For me, there would be immediate consequences, no phone / WiFi/ footy practice, whatever would have an immediate affect and make him realise this won’t be tolerated. I’d be devastated to be honest.

Teateaandmoretea · 28/10/2019 07:57

When someone says things like this it's usually because they themselves are deeply unhappy about themselves

Hmmm my experience of school tells me otherwise actually.

666onmyhead · 28/10/2019 07:58

He needs a lesson in how to be respectful of others . If he treats you like this and you let him, he'll be as contrite with others and that will lead to a smack in the mouth one day. Sit him down and say it's fine to have an opinion that differs from others, but that it's extremely impolite to voice it.

Give him an example that's poignant to him, that might upset him in the say way he's upset you. So he can see if from the other side. This behaviour needs nipping now or he will end up with no friends! Good luck !

Ohyesiam · 28/10/2019 08:06

Crazy advice to tell you to ignore this rudeness, what sort of parenting would that be?

CeefaCasperTheFriendlyGhost · 28/10/2019 08:08

@Teateaandmoretea What was your experience at school?

Teachermaths · 28/10/2019 08:10

No way would I ignore this!! If a student said anything like this to me I'd be off down the punishment route.

Consequences are needed every single time. Take away screens, WiFi, going out privelidges. This needs stamping on and fast before he grows into a vile young man who thinks it's acceptable to speak to women like that.

cauliflowersqueeze · 28/10/2019 08:11

Tell him when he is calm and listening that the next time he is rude he will get one warning to change his tone/attitude and then if he carries on he will get a consequence. And if he carries on so will the consequence.

Do NOT ignore this. It will actually eat away at his own self esteem: if you can’t respect your parents you can’t respect yourself.

To the poster who pays their kids to do chores - that’s a dangerous habit the way it is set up.

I would tell them they have £10 a week, and that 20p will be taken off every time that they are rude or don’t do a chore expected. Be consistent. Always warn first, give a chance to change etc, then apply the 20p removal.

They will pretend they don’t care but they will. It should not be a bonus payment for being polite, it should be a basic requirement.

Branleuse · 28/10/2019 08:13

@weebarra I would cut out any niceness or treats or privileges or wifi until they treated me like a human being. Noones asking them to treat me like their best mate or like a queen, but rudeness and nastiness has serious consequences.
Im actually pretty laid back about a lot of things and I am very nice to my children, but I will not be spoken to like shit in my own home and I will not be bullied.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 28/10/2019 08:15

No way would I accept this from my dcs. Dh also needs to tell him that this is a disgusting way to speak to his mother.
It’s one thing talking about a top but entirely something else when he calls you ugly and wishes you weren’t around. Does anything trigger this? Are you telling him to do hw or come off gaming or something?

I would definitely ask him why he’s so unhappy that he feels he needs to talk like this.

ruralcat · 28/10/2019 08:18

I think it's probably time for your DH to have a chat with him about respecting people. It's one thing to say something hurtful in the heat of the moment and another to just do it because you feel like it.

Trewser · 28/10/2019 08:18

I wouldn't ignore this. I'd tell him how hurtful and unpleasant he was being. And so would my dh.

Either there's something going on in the background or he's being a horrid little shit. I wouldn't put up with being spoken to like that.

Trewser · 28/10/2019 08:19

Im actually pretty laid back about a lot of things and I am very nice to my children, but I will not be spoken to like shit in my own home and I will not be bullied

Yes me too. It's bullying and horrid.

Crawley65 · 28/10/2019 08:20

I would not ignore this. I too think that he may be being bullied and is taking it out on you.

Have you spoken to his teacher? They would be able to tell you his general attitude at school, any new behaviour.

First speak to him alone, perhaps on a car journey, and then alongside your husband.

CrotchetyQuaver · 28/10/2019 08:20

Another voice adding to the do not ignore this behaviour chorus. Nip it in the bud now as it will get worse with age. This is awful behaviour from a child and you and your DH must be absolutely 100% united in tackling this and holding firm. No exceptions whatsoever.

Branleuse · 28/10/2019 08:23

After watching my brother be violent to my mum growing up, its something im really hot on. What he has for you now is contempt. This is barely a hop skip or jump from raising his hand to you.

CherryPavlova · 28/10/2019 08:25

I actually think lots of children go through a stage where they are trying in a very cackhanded way to redefine their relationship with their parents. It might be refusing to walk beside them in town, it might be refusing a good night kiss, it might be using put downs.

They are moving from the total adoration and reliance that young children feel for their parents towards a more independent existence. They don’t always get it right. They do ham fisted things. It doesn’t mean they love you less.

That said they need to be told firmly and simply - and repeated often - that it’s not OK to speak that way. Not a big, long winded exploration of their deepest feelings. Not a search for some deep rooted causality.

Just a very simple statement each and ever time. Something like “Ouch, that’s not a kind thing to say”. Then move on to something else, don’t escalate, don’t get into a downward spiral. Don’t reinforce the behaviour with lots of over the top reactions.

It won’t be an overnight cure but will preserve your relationship. Depersonalisation is the way to take the sting out of it. It’s not him truly thinking you are rubbish but a normal development stage. He needs to move away from total dependence and many children can only do this by making the person they adore seem less adorable in some way. It will pass.

Quitedrab · 28/10/2019 08:26

Is it just me? But I would just express the hurt. Like, "really? You think I'm ugly? I was thinking I was looking nice. Now I feel bad." I mean, that's how I would really feel, and he needs to know, right? Then, if he kept being mean, I would name it, you're being mean. Then, if he kept on, or didn't say sorry, the very next thing he wanted me to do with him, I'd say nah too sad after all the mean comments.

Am I being manipulative? It's just that I think sometimes with boys they don't understand how their words have impact and out job is to point it out?

lyingwanker · 28/10/2019 08:29

I am so glad some more later posters have come on to say how disgusting his attitude is and not to ignore it. I was genuinely gobsmacked that so many people children were being allowed to talk to them like that. No wonder we are raising a generation of rude, entitled brats!

I've got 4 children and was the eldest of 5 as well as loads of similar aged cousins. None of us would have been allowed, or even wanted to speak to our parents like that!

My eldest are 14 &12 and yes, I've had rudeness and backchat from them but they are pulled up on it immediately like "Oi, stop being so rude and do the simple task I am asking please". I remember my mum trying to act cool or "down with the kids" and me cringing with embarrassment, I'd say "oh mum pack it in, it's embarrassing" and that is totally fine. What's not fine is the personal attacks and comments that your DS is saying. It's rude, nasty and hurtful.

cauliflowersqueeze · 28/10/2019 08:30

Agree with saying “nah don’t feel like it after the mean comments” but don’t agree with saying how I feel bad about myself now because some kids crave that kind of power (although they can’t handle it).

SalemsMumHasGotitGoingOn · 28/10/2019 08:31

Not sure if this will help but I was the same through childhood. I perhaps wasn't so vocal but I certainly thought those things towards my parents but especially my mum. I was abused and I felt like my mum "allowed" it to happen (leaving me alone with abuser etc) even though she wasn't fully aware. As kids we depend on our parents to keep us safe and so when that's not happening we can lash out at the ones who should protect us. Perhaps your DS feels you're not there for him in some way? Definitely do not ignore him.

justilou1 · 28/10/2019 08:32

I would sit him down with a mirror at the table and ask him what he is seeing.
Ask him to look in the mirror and then say some of the things he has been saying to you lately.
Don’t let him look away.
Ask him if it makes him feel loved. Ask him if he feels respected, or valued, or liked.
Then calmly explain that if he wishes to be treated with the same respect as other members of the family, then he’s going to have to start treating everyone the same way, starting with you - at all times.
If he has problems valuing you, you are going to assume that they are HIS problems and get him the psychological help that he needs, but you will NEVER tolerate being spoken to like that again.

WhenPushComesToShove · 28/10/2019 08:41

I'd say 'how dare you be so rude to me, go to your room and don't come down until you can sincerely apologise

JustAnotherMammi · 28/10/2019 08:41

I'd suggest that he probably doesn't want to be around an old bat like you then, and he is grounded until further notice. Including banning of any gadgets he has. Let him know should he decide to behave like a decent human you can re-evaluate after he's proved himself for a period of time.

Do not ignore, he is now testing you to see how he can treat other people. That's terrible parenting advice, please ignore it.

FelicityFeather · 28/10/2019 08:43

@justilou1 bit cringe for an 11 year old. Bit cringe all round. M
No need for clever armchair psychology. Just tell him off