12 year old daughter down all the time

[Realmumstuff]

Morning,

I don't know where to start. My 12 year old daughter has always been a bit of a loner. She isn't into what other children of her age are into (she loves rock music, playing guitar etc) and has always been resilient if others challenge her way of being.

However recently she has been withdrawing herself from all social events, we are friends with some of the parents but she refuses to have them over as she doesn't want to socialise. She also doesn't want to do anything other than being in her room.

I have tried to talk (she won't) but she will text occasionally. She explained that she feels sad all the time and no-one understands her and that she can't explain why she is like the way she is and she doesn't want to be around others as it won't help.

We really have tried being patient (I've tried all sorts of things) but this is affecting all of us. I have spoken to her school who were good and gave me contact details for the school counsellor, she refuses to go.

Part of me thinks is this hormonal? She hasn't started her periods yet.

She has also had some changes at school, one of her close friends left in the summer and whilst they still keep in touch and she said it's not affecting her, I think it might be. We have asked her close friend over this weekend but my daughter said she doesn't want her (or anyone) to come over...she said it's too awkward. We have to have the friend over as mum has an appointment.

Sorry for the long post! I'm beside myself with worry and left her in tears going into school.

It sounds like she's developed some social anxiety. Something generally triggers

it. Maybe the friend that left her school was supporting her socially and she feels a bit adrift. Has any bullying occurred? Girls can suffer really sneaky bullying, little comments about appearance etc that knock their confidence.

Is she on social media? It can cause kids to become down about themselves. As adults we know that the showreel of social media isn't real, but kids can take it all to heart.

I would try and get her to talk to her gp - or a gp at your doctors that is good with mental health - ask the receptionist. Even if she's resisting counselling getting on the waiting list would be a good idea. Tell her that hopefully when she gets to the top of the list she'll feel better! Keep it positive.

There are some great books, look out for the Anxiety Gremlin one. Read them together. Keep communication going. Have lots of chats about things she's interested in. Talk about future plans, holidays, Christmas etc.

I would put off friends coming over if possible. I know its frustrating but she needs to know you're on her side and if it's overwhelming her right now you need to put her needs first. Maybe meeting the friends outside home would be better as she's in control and can leave if she's feeling overwhelmed.

Thank you.

To be honest my daughter has always been different to other girls, she doesn't make friends easily at all or maybe she just hasn't found the right friend yet?

My problem is that she won't 'talk' to anyone. She will give me a clue as to how she is feeling talk via text so I have at least a way to talk to her, she just wells up with tears when I try to talk rather than text and says I don't know why I am the way I am, why can't everyone just leave me to it. I can't just leave her with this.

She has point blank said she will not talk to anyone as she says no-one can help and she hates talking. School have been great, said to keep the lines of communication open. Teacher who she gets on with has said she can go to counselling at any time and no one will know (she is sick with worry that the other girls will find out).

It didn't help that we became so frustrated with her last night as her younger sister really wants friends round (she is super confident which isn't helping my oldest) but my older daughter said no I don't want anyone here. I explained this is not fair! We can't do anything now as you get upset with everything. She just burst into tears.

She has started using social media (private accounts only) and has joined rock band fan groups and by all accounts has made good friends she confides in...I'm very cautious when it comes to her social media, she has given me her passwords so I have access and regularly check the posts. This I honestly think has been a big support for her. I have also found a link to the forums on childline which I really think she will find some comfort from and realise that she is not alone.

She is a brutally honest girl and if she doesn't like something she will say, I asked if she was being bullied and she said no of course not! She said she is simply overwhelmed with work and has no-one to help her with the feelings of being sad all the time.

I have just ordered a book on teen anxiety which should come tomorrow as well as a parent guide for me!