What is appropriate for after school socialising?

[user1573624]

I'm really struggling to know how to deal with this situation and my dd12's friends mum. My dd has a small group of friends in school, and one friends mum has always been really proactive in arranging the girls to go round to their house after school, and also for sleepovers. Many sleepovers. The sleepovers used to just be on the weekends but now include term time, through I personally put my foot down with that and had a very upset DD each time.

Myself and DD's dad have become increasingly uncomfortable with how often we are asked for her to go and stay. When we say no, we will just be asked the next day and so on. Or if we've said please don't invite her round this week it's been ignored, and they've turned up on the doorstep asking for her. The mum usually picks all the girls up in her car and drives them around to their houses to let them get changed or grab things and she usually drives them all home again after. When I've tried to say she should put her foot down and not pander to them and be the girls taxi, she says she enjoys it. When she has had multiple sleepovers and we've suggested she must be fed up she says no, she loves their company. We aren't comfortable with things like the open access to the internet they have, the lack of bedtimes, but mostly just the lack of awareness of appropriateness in always wanting to have her longer. If we agree to one sleepover they want her to stay 2 or 3 nights. It's making me really uncomfortable now, and I know we need to set some firmer ground rules in place for going back to school. Particularly because going there for dinner on school nights so often eats in to her homework time. What would you do? No going there after school during the week? If I say only at weekends then that could also be a problem as she goes to her dads only every other weekend. What would be reasonable? I know I can't control her social life all through high school, but this just doesn't seem the norm?

Goodness! That sounds incredibly strange on the mum’s part and really full on!

I think limiting weekday sleepovers is a v good idea and letting the mum know that too much frequency at the weekend eats into dad’s time. Would your daughter be on board if you sat down and explained that in year 8 the work is going to step up a little so it’s best to leave the weekday sleepovers.

Are other girls put in a similar position?

It sounds like you have tried to talk to the mum but it’s really fallen on deaf ears. I think your approach is the right one, sleepovers so frequently or lasting so long are crazy!

Surely three or four nights spread over a term is more than enough?

Good luck!

We’ve never had sleepovers on a schoolnight but that’s easy for me to say as it’s just a given with all of the parents. There is a rare exception but there is usually a practical/logistics reason. Same goes for after school play dates eating into dinner time.

I sometimes have to do a preemptive NO to my kids before weekend play dates. I.e. “do not ask me for a sleepover because the answer will be no”

How do the other mums feel about it?

I would say it is unusual to have weekday term time sleepovers. I teach teenagers and have never heard of this.
I personally think you should say no to weekday socials e.g. going for tea.
They can see each other weekends. Could you invite this girl over to you instead? So have her to tea but drop her back by say 6pm? Have her at the weekend and again drop her back first thing so it's not taking over too much. Then you can monitor what's going on?

When I've tried to say she should put her foot down and not pander to them and be the girls taxi, she says she enjoys it

She probably does, its hilarious you think you need to try to educate her on this 🤣🤣🤣

Is she worried her child is lonely?

Do the other friends stay over night through the week?

I think one night through the week is not excessive, in normal terms, but if you are unhappy with the boundaries she sets, you will just have to keep saying no.

How often does this happen?

Personally, though i've not done sleep overs yet, it's great having other kids round because they then entertain each other and aren't in my face the entire time asking this that and the other. I don't sleep well though so can't imagine enjoying preteen sleep overs :D

I'd find this very odd! I've never heard of a weekday sleepover, and it seems to me as if it's the mother's neediness driving this. Your daughter is not her entertainment!

Personally I'd say clearly to her that you're keeping sleepovers down to one per half term and weekends only now that they're year 8, as otherwise it eats into family, rest and schoolwork time. You need weekends to relax as a family unit.

But then I really, really dislike the overtired overhyped disruption of sleepovers, so I suspect I'm the polar opposite of this mum!

Explain clearly and calmly to your dd that you feel it's OTT and taking away from family time. I also agree with pp about using year 8 as a reason too.