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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

Sleepovers with friends I don't know.

13 replies

historysock · 19/08/2019 15:15

DD2 is 12. She is very outgoing and has lots of friends both from her own school and from other local schools-that she has met via social media/friends of friends. So far so good I suppose.
She has asked me a few times lately, (today being the most recent) to allow her to sleep over at some of these friends houses. Two girls I don't know from other school so I've no idea of them or their background etc.
I just don't feel very comfortable with this at all. Dd knows the girls (but not super well, she has only just started hanging out with them), but I don't. She offered to get me the girls mums number and that's fine but what will that really tell me?
She is now livid with me. I've said she can go around til 8ish this evening (as I've got to go and get dd1 at that time anyway) but she is stropping about the sleep over part.

What would you do in this situation? I know it would probably be fine but it just doesn't sit right with me.

OP posts:
ourkidmolly · 19/08/2019 15:18

I don't allow my children to have sleepovers in friends' houses if I don't have a fair idea as to who the parents are etc. I think it's a safeguarding issue.

Wildorchidz · 19/08/2019 15:23

I would say no. End of.

CIT80 · 19/08/2019 15:30

I don’t allow sleepovers at houses of families I don’t know luckily my DC understand

Original poster
historysock · 19/08/2019 15:37

Good to know I'm not the only one. Will just have to deal with her kicking off but better that than not being sure she is safe.

OP posts:
Kmoore · 19/08/2019 15:41

No, you don’t have a clue who comes and goes from these houses and the situations she could find herself in. Better safe then sorry and just let her strop. Safeguarding is an issue and I will be this protective when my daughter is the same age. My mother didn’t give a damn where I was or staying at the age and I used to stay here there and everywhere, at friends of friends etc.
They had older brothers and I have plenty of memories of seeing things and hearing things I shouldn’t have because of this.

mrsplum2015 · 19/08/2019 15:48

It's so hard because at high school we can't easily know all their friends and families, particularly in our case when dd goes to a private school 15 mins drive from home.

At 12 I would have taken the same stance as you.

Dd is now nearly 15 and she has changed school in the last year so I don't know all her friends and their families. She is also v social.

I at least exchange a direct text with the parent, usually a phone call. And I always drop her off as far as possible ( sometimes if they are going home from something it's not possible) when I would expect to meet the parent.

I have to trust dd to make decisions and to call on me if needed. I would always have my phone on loud if she's at a sleepover.

In reality statistically they are at most risk of harm from people they know and trust. When Dd is going to a sleepover the main thing I try to establish is that the parents have boundaries around behaviour in line with ours. Particularly I would want to know the parents are going to be at home for the night and supervising !!

mrsplum2015 · 19/08/2019 15:52

Sorry ps I never have and still would not allow dd to sleepover at the home of a girl from a different school who I don't know.

I allow sleepovers with girls in her own group from school who I don't know because they are new friends and I have heard about them. I also sometimes check things out with parents of other girls who I do know if I have any concern.

Original poster
historysock · 19/08/2019 15:59

Thank you all this is reassuring. It's so tricky at the moment as between her and dd1 who is 13.5, I can't seem to do anything right and it's quite hard work. But I will stick to my guns with this.

OP posts:
WilkosWanderer · 19/08/2019 17:46

Fuckinh hell I would contact the mum at least before passing this judgement, but maybe I'm just to liberal

Georgiemcgeorgeface · 19/08/2019 17:56

I'd contact the mum and also pop round to meet them - when dropping DC off for a visit I mean not just randomly. Then if I felt happy with the family I'd allow a sleepover.

NearlySchoolTimeAgain · 19/08/2019 18:05

I made a big mistake letting DS1 sleepover at the house of a friend I didn't know well. I'd met the dad. He's really nice. I didn't realise the parents were split up. Never again....

ourkidmolly · 19/08/2019 19:01

@NearlySchoolTimeAgain
I'm not entirely clear. What happened at the sleepover?

NearlySchoolTimeAgain · 20/08/2019 07:26

They didn't sleepover.

They went out instead. All night. The mother knew they were going - they didn't sneak out - and didn't stop them.

My DS was not a saint in this, but most parents would not have allowed them to leave the house at 11pm at age 13!

DS1 has only stayed at the houses of families we know since then.

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