possibly lying - how would you deal with this?

[friedbeansandcheese]

DD is 10. A friend of hers has accused DD this week of calling her various names and being unkind. DD denies it all - but not as vehemently as I'd like.

Just met her friend and their mum to discuss it. The mum is adamant her dd is telling the truth and my dd is lying. But dd still denying everything. How can we resolve this if dd denies everything?

Obviously, if dd did nothing I don't want her to admit that she did, but one of them is lying. WWYD?

[ReganSomerset]

I'd leave it up to DD, but have a chat and make sure she understands that if this situation carries on she's likely to lose the friendship. If she's fine with that then she should just steer clear of this kid.

I don't think we can force kids to be friends once they reach a certain age, just teach them to be polite to everyone.

[Lollypop701]

If you and other mum can remain calm, Tbh I’d get the girls in the same room to discuss. This way both girls get to see the fall out of the lying... whichever one it is.also telling the girls what’s happening may get guilty party to fess up. Or You could let it blow over, as It’s standard girl behaviour... they’ll be best friends next week. I hate lying so I’d want to know if my child was lying and that I’d always find out... I’m a little ocd perhaps, but trust is red line for me

[friedbeansandcheese]

That’s what we did! Friend kept saying dd was lying, dd kept saying she didn’t say any of those things. Round and round in circles not getting anywhere. Friend’s Mum clearly hates dd now and was very cross with her. Of course, if dd did say these things I’d be horrified. But I’m not sure.

Dd knows I hate lying and bullying. I have complained to school when she has been bullied in the past.

[friedbeansandcheese]

Anyone?

[Lollypop701]

Not sure if getting them together will work then tbh. If other mum is so defensive the other girl will roll with it. I’d tell your dd to stay away. I’d also tell her to be honest with other girl why. You said I’ve done x, I haven’t and I can’t trust you so I can’t be friends. This is a life lesson for your dd, and not a bad thing. Some ‘friends ‘ turn out to be bitches in hiding! She will be fine

[friedbeansandcheese]

Thanks. Good advice.

[ReganSomerset]

Just a thought, did the friend actually hear these things from your DD in person, or did so-and-so tell the friend that DD had said them? If the latter it could be a third party stirring or a case of miscommunication.

[youarenotkiddingme]

I'd agree with friend to say to each DD that one of them is lying and when they are caught (not if!) there will be serious consequences.
In the meantime you are asking teacher to keep an eye out. If either one of them approach the other they will lose screen time that evening.

You may never know the truth but you can make sure you ensure it doesn't carry on from here on in.

In these situations I always explain to my ds that only those involved will ever know the absolute 100% truth. And that I can't do anything about the other child if they are lying. But that he can avoid being accused again by deliberately keeping his distance. I also use to teach him if the accuser approached him to say loudly and clearly he wants them to go away as he doesn't want them reporting unkind things after they've decided to talk to him. That way any adults nearly know the accuser approached him.

[Broken11Girl]

Preteen and early teen girl friendships can be so toxic. I highly doubt either is innocent. Only they know the truth but I would happily bet both have said equally nasty things to each other. When I remember my 'friendships' from age 10-14 I cringe
They are old enough to sort things out themselves tbh.

[friedbeansandcheese]

I've been upset about it all weekend. The thought that dd could behave like this when she knows how horrible it feels is just shocking. And I hate the fact that her friend's parents now hate her - and me. I feel judged. I just don't think things will ever go back to how they were. Am I overreacting? How can I deal with this?

[ReganSomerset]

Am I overreacting?

Probably. Teenagers aren't great at the whole empathy thing. It's not their fault, it's something to do with their brain development. I'm sure the other kid's parents don't hate you either.

[Lollypop701]

Do you hate your dd friend? The answer is probably not. The other mum is in the same position as you. Are you judging them? Thinking they are awful parents and their child is a liar? No one knows what’s happened other than the girls. You need to leave them to it