My 11yr old daughter is stealing from me

[Jen568]

Hi I’m at a loss on what to do with my 11yr old daughter, she has been stealing money from me which I’ve discovered over the past few weeks, it’s not just a couple of quid here and there it’s £40 at least which I know of, I first noticed some change going missing from my purse, asked her about it and she went ballistic saying I was awful and wishing me dead for even thinking she could steal from me, then a short while later I found £10 inside one of her books, but of course when I asked she had no idea how it got there then I found her with another £20 and this last time £5;
I hid my savings a couple weeks ago when I found the £10 in her book, so I think she must’ve taken quite a bit and is now getting caught out with it all;
when she finally confessed to stealing the money after many lies and more lies she wasn’t even remotely remorseful, she was aggressive screaming and shouting at me that she wishes I would die, I’m absolutely heartbroken that she could do this and not even be ashamed of herself for it,
things are tight as they are, I’m a single mum working full time and also have a 10yr old boy, I don’t receive any child support from their father and she knows I work so hard to provide them with everything they want and need,
we go on lovely holidays each year and trips out most weekends,
I don’t go out with friends because I always think I could use that money for my kids and she’s just stealing it like it’s a never ending pot of gold 😰
we have a reward system for her spends where if she gets herself ready so she is on time for school each morning she gets her pocket money, granted it’s only £2 per week but I’ve told her that this could be increased by doing simple tasks around the house, but she point blank refuses even with the incentive of extra pocket money, she does absolutely nothing around the house and just has this sense of entitlement, like she can just have my money without doing anything for it or even asking for it, I’m lost, her phone has broken over the last week too so I can’t even remove the use of that as punishment, I haven’t replaced it, my friend offered me his brand new Sony Experia for her but she claims it’s not good enough and she won’t accept anything less than an I-phone 7 which are around £320 even second hand 😳 so she’s been told she’ll be waiting a long time especially given her behaviour, I don’t know what to do with her though, any advice greatly appreciated

What is she using the money on?

£2 a week isn’t much incentive, you can’t buy much with £8 really, and that’s after a whole 4 weeks of chores (not being rude, just isn’t much of an incentive?).

Wishing you dead is not on, it’s an absolutely disgusting way to treat your mum. You need to sit her down and rationally talk to her, it might take a few attempts but she clearly wants to be like her friends and is resenting the fact you are financially not in the same place.

You’ve done extremely well for yourself though op, so don’t blame yourself or feel bad.

Firstly the phone . Tell her that’s fine she isn’t having an I phone 7 so that’s it .

In my house ( also lone parent) my Ds is expected to help because he is part of the family. He takes rubbish out , his own room, but is asked to do different jobs , feed animals, Hoover lounge, put dishes away.

She really is doing the entitled brat thing . Point blank refuses isn’t an option.

We do have half hour clean up time . We set timer put music on ( his preference for motivation) and after half hour so longer as he has been helping I finish off what hasn’t been done.

I would ignore the dramatics but want to know why she is doing this.

Time to put her right back in her place

She’s getting the £2 for just leaving the house on time so she isn’t late for school, there’s no extra money given because she refuses to do what’s asked of her, I don’t feel as though she has any less than her friends, she had £15 of her own money to go out with on Friday but still stole £5 of my money, she came back with £11.50 so she didn’t even need it, I have no idea why she is stealing or what she thinks she needs the money for, shes 11 at the end of the day! But her attitude is disgusting, she sits in her room and refuses to do so much as pick her wet towel up off the bathroom floor or her school blazer up off the floor, it’s ridiculous, then she expects money and when she doesnt get it she’s stealing it it’s awful!

Is she year 6 or 7.

Tell her she is grounded until she starts behaving like part of the family.

I would wash school uniform but not other clothes till in the basket . Will start tea when you come and peel potatoes.

Has she always been this way or just recently?

I always say find their Achilles heel. For my Ds taking stuff away makes no difference.

PM me, OP, I was your daughter once...

Starlight456 thanks, she’s in yr7, my friend has a girl the same age, two parent family and is happy with what she’s given whereas with my daughter nothing is ever good enough, i understand that she’ll meet kids who have more than she does but in the same respect she’ll also have more than others herself,
I’ve tried explaining to her about being helpful around the house and the impact of her stealing from me, ie bills not being paid etc but she doesn’t seem to care,
neither of them have ever done anything around the house though tbh, I’m just so used to doing everything on my own, think I got into the habit of just getting on with it and getting everything done rather than being at war with them constantly, but it’s getting beyond a joke, they’re both more than capable of doing more and i want them to learn that things/ money should be earnt and not just given but she just yells at me to get out of her room, throws things at me, or just ignores me with her head in a book, seems impossible to get through to her, when she’s not in one of these ‘moods’ she is always apologetic and remorseful and says she wants to change and all the rest of it but then we’re having the same behaviours again and again, nothing actually changes 😰 I have found that taking her phone off her helps to a degree, she’s quicker to apologise but I know it’s only in order to gain her phone back,
I feel like not letting her go to her sports clubs etc but not sure if that’s the best approach, I want her to do positive activities so usually avoid the removal of these things, I honestly don’t know 🤷🏽‍♀️ we haven’t even spoken all day since she blew up at me this morning when I confronted her about the stealing

Just one thing - just check there is nothing going on - bullying/teasing/issues with peer pressure/wanting to impress other people etc.

I'm not saying it excuses her behaviour, just that there might be something up that is causing the dramatic behaviour shifts/stealing.

She could of course just be being a PITA - but worth checking.

When she is apologetic set down the rules then.

If she hasn’t spoken has she been downstairs? My son also year 7 . Was sent to his room a few weeks ago , he came down demanding food . He was sent back till he behaved appropriately.

It sounds like you need a big family meeting things are going to change.

It might be you only have to make her miss something once . It seems from reading she thinks she can do what she wants so does.

That sounds really hard for you. Do you think her aggression when found out could be partly a sign of shame in any case? None of us like feeling guilty and she's quite young still.

Is she doing ok at school, and socially? It could just be brattishness but I'd want to check it wasn't a sign of something more before you crack down hard. My sister started stealing money from us all at 12 to fund her emerging eating disorder, though we didn't know it at the time and instead just all piled on and called her every name under the sun

Perhaps you play the 'not angry but disappointed' card and work out a way for her to pay you back with chores? She's also old enough to be given a glimpse of the household budget and to see how much each bit matters.

@starlight She came down and took her dinner off the kitchen side while me and my son were eating in the dining room 🙄 then just left the dirty plate on the side,
She does think she can do what she wants, it’s hard because we do get on somewhere in the midst of all this, she’s like a different child, telling me she loves me and laughing and joking she’s really very affectionate but through all of that she’s going behind my back and stealing money from me, it makes it worse to a degree 😢

@windinmyhair I did wonder if anything was going on at school but from what I can tell she has a good network of friends, socialises when possible after school and at weekends, they seem like nice girls too, I can’t imagine any of them would treat their parents the way she is treating me,
she has been in a bit of bother at school getting detentions and such like, mainly minor things but some backchatting teachers, I fear she is falling into ‘the bad girl’ persona and may think it’s ‘cool’ to be in trouble and have a ‘don’t care’ attitude and now will act up to this image more often

@stuckfortheforthtime thanks, yes I will try the ‘disappointed’ approach in the morning, i really am disappointed and extremely hurt, it’s exhausting living like this and I fear it will only get worse as she enters her teens
I do hope there isn’t any underlying issue that I can’t see, though the money has been found in various places mainly in her room so not even as if it’s being spent, just taken for her to spend at her will I imagine

She needs her own budget for things. Not everything of course, because she's too young. But regular pocket money, that she can either save, or spend on whatever. £2 a week wouldn't even buy an ice-cream

Dirty plates go back in her room, on her bed. You don’t wash her clothes unless they are in the basket. Talk to school and mention the stealing — it’s very possible that if she’s stealing from you she may be stealing from or bullying others.

@fishcanfly I’m aware that £2 isn’t much but as I’ve explained throughout, she’s been given the chance to earn more by doing small chores around the house, she refuses so doesn’t get it, I do not believe in just giving her money, she should learn that it’s to be earnt not just simply given to her like some sort of birth right, am I really the only one who thinks this? 🤷🏽‍♀️ Surely if she wanted the extra spends so bad she should do what’s required to get it... not earning it doesn’t give her the value of it, for example when she’s stolen money from me, she’d been out and bought 3 pots of Carmex at £3.70 a pop, I’m sorry but if she had earnt that money I don’t think she’d have been quite so willing to waste it in that way, it’s completely unnecessary and irresponsible imo

To be honest, because she’s stealing money I wouldn’t give her any at all. Stop her clubs, stop it all until she starts treating you with respect.
A sorry isn’t good enough. If she’s ‘big’ enough to treat you this way and behave like this, then she’s big enough to go without.
I would also liaise with her school and find out if there is anything going on/ ask how you can help her.

Hi

I think considering she isn’t sorry for what she is doing and that she keeps on doing, I would be inclined to report her to the police. I know this may sound harsh but it might be the wake up call she needs, that you can’t just do what you want. At 11, she is criminally liable.

I’m sure you don’t want to see your own child convicted or anything like that but just the police having stern words with her might be enough.

Considering she effectively owes you money due to what she has stolen, I would personally also stop the £2 a week pocket money until she has repaid what she took through the weekly £2. Keep a chart even.

Definitely don’t get her a new phone and maybe cut back any other luxuries until she learns to appreciate them.

Must be tough for you, it’s not easy dealing with this kind of thing at all.

Is there another adult you know who she likes and respects who you could ask to have a talk with her? Failing that could you talk to the pastoral support member of staff at the school to talk to her? I think you have to make her aware that this is not just about conflict between you and her but behaviour which is unacceptable to everyone.

Thankyou @mummybear2352 and @tavannach yes it’s tough, I’ve tried to talk to her but she just tells me to go away I refused to leave her room until she spoke to me last night and she stormed out of the house and sat on the back door step I do think she’s sorry in her own way though and is struggling on how to put things right, she did make an effort after school yesterday, put some washing out on the line and washed the pots but then she lost the plot when I tried to talk with her about what was going on.
I know what you mean with the police, I did threaten her with it but don’t think I could ever go through with it tbh 🙈
she hasn’t been and won’t be going to her clubs this week at least and most certainly won’t be getting a penny until we can gain some sort of trust back but yes a chart to detail how much she owes is a good idea, Thankyou
I’ve tried to get in touch with pastoral care today but she was out of school on primary school visits, so shall try again tomorrow, I may see about her maybe seeing the school counsellor
Thanks everyone for your advice, much appreciated 🙏

I’m sorry but if she had earnt that money I don’t think she’d have been quite so willing to waste it in that way, it’s completely unnecessary and irresponsible imo
I get your point, but even she earned that money she wouldn't necessarily be sensible. She will make mistakes - that's the part of learning.
As for stealing, if course it's not on, and she needs a punishment. however, stealing its not about needing money - it's about control. To buy something you wouldn't. I used to steal from my parents out of spite - they shouted at me? Didn't allow me something? Begrudged me a treat? So I'll buy myself the biggest ice cream or the most expensive keyring (utter trash) - and up yours

Do you have a neighbourhood policing team? Ours was invaluable when DD1 was stealing, lying and generally being obnoxious. They arranged for her to be spoken to at the station by the sergeant who was very scary and he showed her the cells, telling her that’s where she would end up if she didn’t pack it in. It did work quite well and there was no suggestion of her being charged or it appearing on her record. In fact she has an enhanced DBS now for her uni course and work and it isn’t there.

I'm not sure of your financial situation, but if you could - why not change the situation altogether? Sit with her and map out the things that she wants to spend money on. Talk about what she does in evenings, weekends, clothes, phone bills etc. Work out how much each costs, and then work with her to prioritise them. Then you can discuss anything you've left off, and make sure it's all on there including savings etc. You can then discuss what things you're responsible for as her mum, that are necessities - e.g. sanitary products or clothes.

After this, agree a basic rate of allowance - discussing whether it should be weekly or monthly. This won't cover everything left on her list, and then you can discuss how she can earn more money to cover these other items. It might be that she feels a bit left out given her good social life, and you want to demonstrate that money is something you earn. If you can stick to it, it might be the making of her!