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WWYD in this situation? 11 year old

9 replies

user27495824 · 14/05/2019 09:45

I have an 11 year old daughter (12 next week). Also have a 6 and 3 year old. She spends EOW at her fathers, and on the weekends she is home she usually sees friends. This weekend just gone all friends were all away or ill. First weekend we've had good weather in ages. Saturday we went for a walk in local woods and out to dinner with large playground.11 year old was happy and playing with siblings all day. Was allowed to have headphones on and listen to music and read as she wished too. Sunday I hurried her along to get dressed as we'd planned a beach day. She out and out refused. Said she wasn't going anywhere and I couldn't make her. She doesn't care what anyone else wants 'tough shit' all the way up to 'you're a stupid fucking Bitch' and 'you're not my real dad you can't tell me what to do' to her step father she has a very good relationship with. She barricaded her door with her mattress, put on loud music and stamped up and down on her bedroom floor until plaster was falling off the kitchen ceiling. At first I calmly told her she wasn't old enough to stay home alone all day, if she wanted to she could go to her fathers instead, but she said she didn't want to because it was boring. Calmly rationalised that her refusing to come out meant that us and her siblings would be stuck in all day too. As this all escalated I kept pushing her choices, come with us, or we'd take her to her fathers undressed. She eventually chose her fathers, so we dropped her off and picked her back up on the way home. Father suggested she go to his every weekend instead and I've declined, because she doesn't want to, and because he does absolutely nothing with her, he generally drinks and watches football.

I'm just interested to hear how other people would have handled this situation? How can we prevent it escalating again when she is being so selfish? So as not to drip feed, she has almost always been reluctant to go out and do things but she has always enjoyed herself when we are out and agrees she feels better for it afterwards. She doesn't have jam packed evenings and wasn't desperately in need of down time.

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 14/05/2019 09:55

Your 11 yo is saying ‘tough shit’ and calling you ‘a stupid fucking bitch’ ?! Stomping on the floor enough to break the ceiling plaster?! How did things get this way? How long has she felt she can speak to you & behave like that?

There’s NO way she would have got the opportunity to choose to go to her Dad’s. I would have given her 5 minutes to move the mattress and get dressed before we went in and put her in the car as she was.

She is 11, almost 12, and she would be doing as she was told.

In future she wouldn’t be spending all weekend out with friends, she would be at home, being part of the family and learning to behave herself.

She’s 11, you need to get the control back now.

IggyAce · 14/05/2019 10:02

She needs clear consequences for this behaviour and boundaries need to be in place. She had a massive over reaction and you shouldn’t pander to her. I usually find removal of phone and iPad is a good consequence.

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/05/2019 10:04

I have no idea what I'd have done, probably stayed home with her while everyone else went off to the beach. I'd be worried about what had happened overnight, for example, bullying messages, her Dad been even less interested. Good luck finding out what it was all about.

NuffSaidSam · 14/05/2019 10:08

It's a very tricky age.

I would not have engaged in the moment, as soon as it was clear that she couldn't be reasoned with/had lost control I would have walked away. Either left her at home on her own or postponed/cancelled the day out.

When she calmed down enough to engage I would have spoken to her about what happened, why etc. and outlined the consequences of her behaviour (cancellation of something she was looking forward to and/or phone confiscated/loss of pocket money etc).

It depends a lot on whether this is fairly typical or she'd just had an absolute breakdown for some reason!

Springisallaround · 14/05/2019 10:10

You could react in many different ways to this. Obviously her behavior is rude and out of order. I also think two family days on a weekend for a nearly 12 year old is probably too much, going out with a 6 and a 3 year old. This is the age they pull away. A family meal once a day would have been fine.

I get you want to go out as a family but really, this won't continue into the teen years in the same way.

Also, she may want some one on one time for a chat.

Finally, hormones are going crazy and both of my teens have had 'toddler' moments like this. I would be very cross about the banging/shouting. Go up to her room and say 'this isn't like you, what's going on?'

I do think though, that in the future, to keep her onboard, more flexibility over her staying home once she's 12 for a couple of hours could be found.

This age they often don't want to go to the beach/dress in swimsuits either.

You weren't in the wrong, she was but I don't think coming down heavily will take you where you want to go. Believe in her as a basically good child who lost it. I am not as harsh as some on here though and wouldn't instigate punishments for a one off, if it was regular and very rude, I would (and have).

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/05/2019 10:11

Is it worth thinking about if she needs more downtime than you? I rarely want to go out for two days out in a row, it just leaves me all peopled out. Could it be PMT?

Mayalready · 14/05/2019 10:14

Does she have a mobile phone??

Elzbells · 14/05/2019 10:28

If my 11 year old called me a stupid fucking bitch I would hand her her arse on a plate.

She would lose every single privilege for a week, phone included.

With regards to the beach situation she would get in the car ready or not and come with - no compromises offered if it's a family day out.

We have our moments with DD, she's not perfect, it is a tricky age but they need boundaries and if you give an inch they take a mile.

MummyBear2352 · 14/05/2019 12:36

I’d have handled it exactly how you did to be honest, assuming there was no deep underlying reason. Having to go out with family when you don’t feel like it is just part of growing up until you are old enough to stay behind unsupervised, otherwise no parents would ever get to a supermarket. She’s just being a teenager, but selfish behaviour shouldn’t be indulged.

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