My house is becoming a youth club!!!

[Jaz32]

My house seems to be the new hang out for all the local kids!!
I have 2 boys 10&8 and a toddler. We recently moved to the area and school so I am glad my boys have found local friends and I don't mind them having friends round for tea once a week or playing out whenever the weather is good, but my oldest in particular is wandering in with 2/3 mates virtually every night and then my other son will bring his friend from over the road in too so I have loads of boys in my house/shed 🤦‍♀️

We are lucky we have two front rooms so they tend to go on PS4 in the other room so me and toddler aren't too disturbed, or they hang out in the shed which has pool table, punch bag and dart board, so there is plenty to do here which I guess is why they come....but they literally never go back to the other kids houses! I don't mind giving them drinks and the odd ice pole on a hot day but my youngest starts trying to offer them all snacks or one boy in particular is always still here when I'm dishing up dinner and I feel bad either chucking him out or eating in front of him so several times he's had dinner here. I don't know who his parents are, I've never met them, he's a nice enough kid, polite but I feel like he must be here more than his own home!

It's a tricky situation as my oldest has autism and adhd and has never had proper friends before so I don't want to discourage his new friendships as it's helping his self esteem... but it would be nice if the other kids families invited the boys back as well!

Anyone else end up with loads of extra kids?!

I’d try to take it as a compliment that they all seem to find your house welcoming.
I’m a bit surprised that the parents of the child who has stayed for dinner haven’t at least popped their head in to say hello and thank you for feeding their child. I wonder when he goes home and says he’s had dinner are they not a bit surprised? To be honest I’d be sending him home when you’re dishing up though and having a chat with your youngest about offering snacks.

Our house was always like this (3 boys). Over the years it went up and down but expensive has shown me that this means your children know here they are safe ad so do their friends. There are so many positives to this (and negatives, but they can be managed by having a family meeting and agreeing ground rules like not on xxday or xxday and only one snack each, home by xxtime) As they get older the one key thing to raising children seems to be - do you know where they are?
Sounds like you are doing a great job and with a few tweaks everyone will be happy.

• experience not expensive.... although that could be a Freudian slip

When they get older you will glad you know where they are and who their friends are. A few snacks are probably a small price to pay but lay down some rules about meal times.

Our house was like that and it was great!
We just used to buy a lot of cheap snacks from aldi so there was always something in and a jug of cordial in the fridge.
We probably did the mist sleep overs. This happened from when the kids were about 8years old and friends from school. They stayed friends through secondary ( and still came round)
The all are in their 20s now and I see them around regularly and i am friends on fb
I would go back to those days in a heartbeat! It was great listening to their chatter and plans.
My kids used to wander from our house to the next and then to the river and then someone elses house en masse!
I really miss those days!

@user1493413286 I did wonder whether his mum would be happy he'd been fed or annoyed if she made dinner already...although maybe he ate both and didn't tell her 😂
@Southernmum50 expensive prob is the right word as they get older eating more lol!

Yes I guess it's a good thing that I know where mine are and that they are safe so you are right it's a small price to pay and I'll have to get to aldi for some cheap snacks. I think I'll have a chat to both boys once their friends eventually leave tonight lol!!

@Jaz32 my boys are 31, 29 and 23 now. I still see their friends and would gladly still feed them. We have a younger daughter now too and her friends gravitates here too.
I recommend giving them jobs in the garden during the summer hols to 'earn' snacks

At that age Id try and find out who their parents are and check if they mind their kid hang around your house and having dinner and casually say my boy can go to your house some day.

I think it is nice if you can cope with it.

This is one of the things I wanted - to be the place where they wanted to come, but neither of my DDs have managed to develop friendships where this happens at anyone's house.

@TeenTimesTwo Neither me or my brother had this growing up as we didn't go to local schools so didn't have local friends so it's all new to me having constant troops of people in and out.

I know my husband wouldn't be comfortable with other people's kids here every day because he's a grumpy bugger lol but luckily he's out til 7 and when he has odd days off the kids sense his vibe and play out instead!

I think you have to be firm about things. The first sign of any bad behaviour and it ends until they've come to their senses. You don't provide food - they have to go home for dinner. It's one thing providing ice pops and another if they feel they can have snacks or dinner with you. That really isn't on, if it's a regular occurrence.

As they get older this will be great. Mine always gathered at other houses - we live out of town - and I’d have loved to see their friends more as building a relationship with their friends can really help as and when troubles arrive on the scene later!

However it can get out of hand. Don’t feel bad about shooing them home when needs be and only feed those who are preinvited.

Give a 10/15/20 min warning of expected departure times - “ I’ve just got x’s dinner on the go guys, so this is your ‘wind the game up in 15’ before you all go home “ or “ just cooking tea for those who live here” or maybe start issuing invites for specific meals to your regular stayer on - “ I can’t offer tea today xxx but would you like to stay tomorrow?” type thing

Keep it cheerful and friendly but firm

( is it possible the young friend can’t read social cues?)

As you say - keep some cheap squash and ice poles in but explain to your son that once they’re gone they’re gone and its water until the next big shop etc - again a cheerful comment in front of the friends will educate them all.

Also set some friend free / family only days in the week!

When I was in my teens our house was the local place to hang out. DF said he would have a sign put outside saying 'Cafe'. DM told me recently that they loved it when my siblings and I had our friends round, as she and DF enjoyed chatting with us etc, although her coffee bills were rather steep!
When my DS and DD were in their teens, most of their friends hung out at my house. It was fantastic to see them build long lasting relationships with their peers, join in debates, referee some! I knew they were safe, and other parents did thank me as they knew their teens were safe.

I am a teacher and really begrudge having lots of kids in my house all the time after school/ weekends/ holidays. Thankfully my kids are now 12 and 16 so tend to go out with their mates instead!

You've turned your house into the fun house with all that gear in the shed and a consol room

Agree with pp that it's not a bad thing that you know where your DC are. I would implement some rules though, the first one being they all have to leave before we have our evening meal.

The thing is once you've had a house full of kids ( in our case , mostly the same 5 or 6 children) right from primary school age to the end of secondary and they've had sleep overs, gone from making dens with sheets and under your coffeee table when they are 7, to sit around chatting about Foals, Band of Horses and other Indy bands and giggling away in the middle room as teenagers you really miss them once they drift away as young adults.
The house sometimes seems eerily quiet with out my kids gang of mates.
Of course it's nice bumping into them at parties and in the pub but the younger days were fun!
I understand not everyone wants other people's kids in their house a lot but I liked the knock at the door and they would pop their head into the living room to say hi and have a quick chat before going up to the attic room or dining room.

@Lara53 yes I am not currently working as taking extended maternity leave but normally teach key stage 1 so I can see if I was back at work I'd be fed up having other people's kids here all evening too!

As it is I guess I don't mind it too much, I think it's just the dinner time thing. It's prob as I do dinner early due to the toddler and the mates prob have their dinner much later!

You def don’t need to feed them dinner. Just tell them it’s time to go home. You can be much more direct about these things with kids than you would with adults. The kids won’t be offended, they expect you as the adult to set boundaries. My kids and our neighbours kids are always in and out of their homes and ours. I have no problem telling them it’s time to go home, to clean up the mess they’ve made, or no you can’t have that tub of fresh mango I just bought. I do always have “dry” snacks in and usually apples and cheese sticks, and they know that’s what’s on offer. My bigger problem is the crumbs and wrappers they leave everywhere but I do have them clean it up when I catch it. It sounds like this is a nice thing for your kids OP, so if you can stand it I would just go along. I would definitely introduce myself to the parents though — they may think the kids have just been playing out, or the kids might go home to a nanny who isn’t fussed about reciprocating, or the family could be going through something and they will be grateful for your kindness. You never know. And at least you know where your kids are!