Preteens
My 11 year old has self harmed. Advice needed please!
Greggers2017 · 09/05/2019 10:37
My dd is 11 years old and this morning told me that she has cut herself. Some very superficial scratches on her arm which she said she did with a compass.
She was extremely upset when she told me. Obviously I am happy that she felt able to tell me.
When I asked her she said she did it as she is worried about her SATs exams next week and some girls being unkind at school.
I asked her if she wants me to talk to her teacher or takes her to the doctor and she has said that she does not want that.
What can you advise please? I want to support my daughter in the best way I can.
MumUnderTheMoon · 09/05/2019 10:52
People self harm as a coping mechanism the main aim isn't generally to hurt themselves its to have and outlet for how their feeling. It's good that she was able to come to you. When you talk about it don't get upset or tell her off because then she'll start to hide it. Maybe it's better to focus on the things that are upsetting her but quietly monitor her for injuries without putting too much focus there for now. I did it once to see if it would help and it didn't. I never did it again. Everyone has coping mechanisms some people clean obsessively, some people do art, some people shop. Self harm is obviously more damaging so trying to find a positive outlet may help. I think you should get in touch with the nspcc and ask for some professional advice. They have articles about it and could point you in the right direction.
Greggers2017 · 09/05/2019 16:06
Thank you for the reply. I have sought advice from the NSPCC and they were great. I have also had a discreet word with her class teacher when I went to pick my son up.
I have spent the day with my DD watching her favourite films. I have not told her off as I don't believe she has done anything wrong.
cottonwoolmouth · 09/05/2019 16:08
She is incredibly brave for telling you, you must have a great relationship. She was obviously letting you know she needs help in dealing with things. 
Merrow · 09/05/2019 16:22
I self harmed at the same age as a coping mechanism. I would be really reassured that she told you about it.
I think what would have helped me would have been trying some different things to find a better coping mechanism. I haven’t self-harmed for years because I now direct myself up better options - if I’m feeling anxious I force myself out on a run which realigns my thought processes a bit, if I’m a bit low I might decide to have a guilt free veg on the sofa with some comfort films or reach out to a friend and make some plans to meet. Does your DD have any activities outside of school? If it’s girls at school that are part of the issue (and they certainly were a contributing factor in my case) it would be good for her to have some other social circles outside of school.
Greggers2017 · 09/05/2019 16:47
Yes she does. She goes to youth club and has another circle of friends that she sees at weekends whilst at her dads.
She's usually a confident and bubbly young lady. She recently started her periods so I'm wondering if that has had an impact.
We spoke more in depth this afternoon and she said she is mostly worried about her SATs exams and failing them.
I have told her as long as she tries her best it
does not matter on the result.
Merrow · 09/05/2019 17:12
Hopefully this is just a one off experiment that she won’t repeat. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things.
Karatema · 09/05/2019 17:30
My DS self harmed. Be gentle and keep lines of communication open so your DD can talk.
If she does it again, gently, point out that repeated cutting will mean permanent scars which she may regret when she's older. My DS, who is a mature adult health professional, can find the questions embarrassing from inquisitive clients.
Good luck
Greggers2017 · 09/05/2019 18:08
Sounds silly when I say it but I work in substance misuse and spend everyday with people with mental health issues. But when it's your own child it affects you differently.
She has said she does not intend to do it again and we have home over how important it is that she talks to us about how she is feeling.
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