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Pls help me not loose my shit at my 11yr old Ds

12 replies

Thecrown3 · 11/04/2019 19:06

I’m really upset tonight....
My ds has had to go to grandparents this week whilst I work, but I am off next week.

The grandparents( my father and stepmother) are not great and very dull, stay in mostly ... But when my stepsisters ds is down , stepmother all over him taking him out etc. My ds is aware of this too .
He’s bored at gp’s but too young to be left on own and doesn’t want to go to holiday clubs anymore like he did when young and gp’s were not retired.

He’s also annoyed as his useless twat of a dad does very little holiday cover but to top it off he’s actually booked next week off to travel Europe with his new gf and her son and not taking my ds ( unbelievably selfish) .

Tonight when I get him home he’s miserable, upset crying he’s bored there, mad at his dad etc understandable.
I’ve gone through it all, let him speak , cry it out etc I feel I’ve validated his concerns, empathised, told him it was same for me as child with a single parent etc.explained why mum needs to work etc
We took dogs out for walk seemed to perk up but as we just got home he’s gone sullen again an moody whilst waiting for tea..... an now I’m mad... I wanna tell him to pull himself together and buck up - it’s like I’m the bad parent and........ I dunno I’m so upset.. I’m angry for him with his dad and my marriage an how he treated us and how he treats his son.. I’m sorry for myself that I’m carrying the can an yet the sun shines out of dads arse.
I’m mad at my parents for the disparity between grandkids and how they are as parents... an that I have to work full time juggling all this shit.
My partner is off at the moment too.....
It’s just all so bloody much.. anyone talk some sense into me?

OP posts:
jelliebelly · 11/04/2019 19:15

Lots of kids get bored in the holidays if parents are working - either book him in holiday/Sports camp or arrange for him to go to a friends house (have a return visit next week) to break up the week - a whole week at grandparents prob is a bit much even without the other crap going on.

Thecrown3 · 11/04/2019 19:18

Trouble is because I’m at work in day it would be hard to organise with picking up /dropping off by friends etc to gps ( they get easily flustered with plans :-()

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Tinkoschminko · 11/04/2019 19:19

You’re his safe place - he’s just letting his feelings out. It’s not personal.

Scanon · 11/04/2019 19:22

I hear you. You're dealing with being upset on his behalf and then with his sulky behaviour, along with massive frustration about your ex and parents being thoughtless and uncaring. You're getting a raw deal, as is your boy. I haven't got much advice, but I imagine realizing your son feels similar to how you feel may help.

Thecrown3 · 11/04/2019 19:29

There’s no one to vent to either - nobody in same position really now , my limited friends have older kids( as I do with a 19 year old )
I wanna rant at ex twat but that gets me nowhere, how low can a man go to do that to his kid.
He rarely helps in holidays , if he commits to a week he promises my son fancy trips then does nothing or even lets him down on childcare.
I can’t talk to partner as he seems to be being moody and distant , I’ve tried talking he says nothing wrong but I get that feeling.
My bloody parents are toxic, not with their grandchildren directly but then to favour one over other- I’m mad at my father for denying it too.
Argh argh argh

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Mediumred · 11/04/2019 19:30

Poor lad, is he y6 or y7? Maybe you could say that if he shows he can be responsible he could be left on his own next hol (sorry, you may not feel this is appropriate and I can totally accept that but I thibk he is moving towards that age where this is on the horizon) I think he has been really let down by his DF and DGPs (not you) and maybe a text to his dad and a chat to your dad from you would be perfectly in order (of course you may feel this is pointless) I really feel for you and your boy, you both sound like you are doing great in a difficult situation. Xx

Mediumred · 11/04/2019 19:33

Sorry, cross-post. See you would be wasting your breath with his dad and your dad, what shits.

Thecrown3 · 11/04/2019 19:47

Thanks all - I expected to be told I’m wrong and to empathise ... but I do and have but it feels endless.

He is v mature 11 year old, he could be left an hour or so at time ( we re building on this softly softly with 40 mins at a time ) but still too young for all day , think it’s illegal too. But he would be happier at home he says !!! I have said next years holidays he can stay home with things in place for him to be checked on etc . Funnily enough I would be happier if he was at home if that made him happy but I think it’s risky an it’s a long time .

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Thecrown3 · 11/04/2019 19:55

Trouble is my dad Denys it’s going on ( my step sister is treated far different to my brother and I) but we re told it’s us that have issue.
Also if I give ds’s dad a mouthful he doesn’t care he’d just put phone down.
I told ds to tell his dad his feelings coz he got angry saying about his dad but he says he feels he can’t in case dad gets mad, he doesn’t realise yet he is only one with power to even try influence his dad.
His dad is a shit dad which is one of the many many reasons we split , he doesn’t see his first two children since they were 5, their now 18, and despite his alleged stories on why, it’s probably now because he mucked them about and their mother and she decided they were a good age to cut him out, I only wish I could.

I guess I’m rambling .... I guess it’s also pre teen stuff emotionally

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junebirthdaygirl · 11/04/2019 20:16

Could he have a friend over Sat so he has something to look forward to. Otherwise it's just life and he will be ok. Leave him play his games for a while and chill out and he will come round. You sound like a good mom with a good relationship with him so he will be fine. It's only for now and important thing is he is safe in grans, not up to any mischief or neglected so that's the best you can do.

eastmidsmum · 11/04/2019 20:18

Is there a way he could go to gps' some of the days and trial staying at home on others?? On condition he kept all rules, did jobs or activities left for him/ a neighbour checked in once or twice/ he answered phone when you ring to check on him? It's not illegal per se. Or consider a local reliable teenager if you know of any, who could be there some of the time in return for a small payment and unlimited biscuits?!
Or if this just isn't an option, tell yourself you're doing brillianfly (with all that listening to him and talking it thru), but it has to be done like this for at least a few more months. And I KNOW it's flipping hard, but don't get angry with him, it will not help..... I'm a single mum with some of the same issues as you, I know what it's like. You ARE doing brilliantly.🎂

Thecrown3 · 11/04/2019 21:00

@june- we re out on Saturday to London dungeons- swimming Sunday- cinema- Thorpe park- he’s got lots to do next week he’s just had to have a boring week this week- there’s a bit of me says “ that’s life” but I recall the feelings so strongly myself of being with gps, aunts etc ( although my Nan kept us quite busy!)
My parents just sit and rot and snipe at each other most of time. They hate each other ( whole other post!) they aren’t enjoying retirement and don’t utilise their time, they also don’t value their children or grandchildren:-( if you ve recently watched “ afterlife” with Ricky gervais, there’s a part towards end where his brother pulls him into room and states to him along the lines off “ whilst you been wallowing in grief, misfortune, bad luck, the rest of us having been living with our own problems getting on with it”- that’s how they are, so wrapped up in themselves and their problems they forget the rest of us have had too.i feel guilty that although their in no way inflicting that way on ds( as they do on me) their house is oppressive but I’ve got no choices.
I can do holiday clubs but I’ve spent years of salary doing that, it’s nice to not do it and use that money for ds An trips etc I can’t win am conflicted.
I think I could trial a mixture of on own , maybe he rides to gps for lunch etc my partner works shifts so is normally about too sometimes.

I wonder if it’s his age too, thinking/feeling the big fish in little pond in yr 6 about to enter a whole new world in sept !?

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