Sons mindset

[SingleDadNW]

My son is 7 yrs old, has been just me (dad) and him for the last 5 years. Last 3-4 months he’s had regular little meltdowns where he’s in tears and states he doesn’t deserve a home, or he doesn’t deserve a family, or that he should be dead.

The last comment really concerns me. We’ve struggled for 5 years with no mum around. (She left us, unsure where she is), up to recently everything has appeared ok until this.

Really want to know who I can speak to about this to see if it’s normal or needs delving into further. Bouts don’t last long and are always at night, when he is tired.

Usually forgotten by morning, and nothing coming from son about it after. If I ask why at the time, all I get in reply is, “I just do.”

He’s changed schools every year so far as I’ve struggled to find work to match being a single parent, and this year I thought things were settling down as he’s now definitely not moving again for a few years.

Any guidance welcome,

Thank you x

Hi, my son also says things like ‘I don’t deserve’ or ‘I hate myself’ and even ‘I wish I was dead’ and it’s usually after we’ve had to talk to him about something minor - hiding sweets in his room, being on his phone after we’ve told him lights out, not brushing his teeth even. It seems totally disproportionate and seems bizarre. He is nearly 12 now, and although it’s been happening for several years on and off, it’s getting less and less. I feel that he is just pushing for reassurance, he needs the consistency of being told he is good enough, he is loved, there is a place for him and it’s ok to make mistakes. It’s hard when all you want to do sometimes is yell ‘ oh god, not this AGAIN FFS’ but hopefully if you continue to reinforce you are there for your son unconditionally, not going anywhere, not going to be pushed away, then eventually his meltdowns will get fewer. Hang in there, I really don’t think it’s uncommon, but if you do get really worried about it, talk to your GP. Hope that helps, even a little😊

Thank you,

Struggling and in my own it’s difficult to have comparisons to make.

It’s very reassuring, and thank you very much indeed xx

I would go to your GP. Maybe first make an appointment without him to discuss concerns. It doesn't sound like normal preteen stuff to me, children can suffer from depression. It might just be he is a bit of a gloomy soul but I would get professional medical advice.

We've definitely had all the "I hate you" etc and I do think tears can be normal at this age, it's all the "don't deserve" stuff and want to die that is concerning.

Given what you've described your childs reaction/responses are understandable. He is getting to an age where he is starting to understand emotions and the world generally. Has he ever spoken to someone about his mums absence? Sounds like he would benefit from some counselling (play therapy etc). He has suffered a great loss and then had lots of changes. Not surprising he feels unsettled and probably anxious. These things often arise at night time. I would speak to school in the first instance to see if they have counsellors or if they can refer.

Do you think he might be becoming more aware that his friends at school have Mums around and he could be trying to rationalise why his Mum isn't there? Do you have family members who could visit, write to or Skype him to give him some extra reassurance that he's deserving of love?

I am sure you are a source of strength and stability for him but it does sound like it has been hard for you both with all the moving around and uncertainty.