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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

12 year old and bedtimes

25 replies

twosoups1972 · 12/03/2019 20:35

I have so sick battling with my (just) 12 year old dd over bedtime.

Up till recently her lights out time was supposed to be 9.15pm but it hardly ever was as she faffs around for ages. Constantly nagging her to get ready for bed etc which doesn't make for a peaceful evening for me. Her beef with me was I treat her like a baby, I'm always nagging, she doesn't need as much sleep as I think etc.

So I compromised with her and gave her an extra 15 mins, so 9.30pm bedtime and she should stick to it. This was a few weeks ago and again it's been creeping closer to 10pm each night.

She leaves for school around 7.35/7.40am but likes to be up early so not to rush (6.30am ish).

I'm not sure whether to still insist on this bedtime, or give her a bit more autonomy and allow her a bit of leeway. Plus, if she doesn't go to bed on time, I can't think of an appropriate punishment other than phone removal which doesn't seem right.

OP posts:
needthisthread · 12/03/2019 20:41

Why are you battling?

If she is going at closer to 10pm without any morning issues that seems reasonable?

Original poster
twosoups1972 · 12/03/2019 20:41

need it just seems late for a 12 year old. I worry that she's not getting enough sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
twosoups1972 · 12/03/2019 20:43

I would love to start spending some more quality time in the evenings now she's a bit older. But I feel I have to send her upstairs to get ready for bed relatively early as she takes so bloody LONG!

OP posts:
EeeByeGummieBear · 12/03/2019 20:48

We had the same issues with DS2 (11), who insisted he slept better when he went to sleep later. We decided to test it out, and found going to sleep at 10 had no major consequences on him getting up/ performance at school/ mood. And for us it was one less battle to have. He goes up earlier if tired. He appears to need less sleep than his brother! I struggled with this as it went against all my views re kids and sleep, but it works for him. It might be worth testing out something similar for a short time, to see what happens?

Original poster
twosoups1972 · 12/03/2019 20:50

Thank you Eee, what time does he go up to be ready for bed by 10?

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 12/03/2019 20:54

Ds (12) bedtime is 10.30pm. He's up at 7am to get ready for school

DropZoneOne · 12/03/2019 20:56

My DD has just turned 11 and we've been having similar battles. I gave up to be honest, and allowed bedtime to move to 9:30 with lights out by 10pm instead of half an hour earlier. Around 3 nights a week she'll be fast asleep before 10pm, but it's calmer all round

nos123 · 12/03/2019 21:16

As long as she’s getting 8.5 hours sleep per night minimum, I wouldn’t worry. Maybe compromise further to 9:45pm? Many people struggle to sleep before 11pm once they reach adolescence!

lotusbell · 12/03/2019 21:20

Same issue here with my turned 12 yesterday year old. It went from 9pm to 9.30 to much nearer 10 than I'd like. I wake him at 7, we are out if the house just after 8. Sometimes he struggles to get up but I once he's up he's not too bad. Would still prefer he went a bit earlier and I start thinking, in a couple more years I'll be you g up before him!

ideasofmarch · 12/03/2019 21:21

What we did was to send our dc up to get ready for bed and put pyjamas on etc much earlier in the evening, then come back down for a while. They don't faff about so much if they know they are coming back downstairs anyway.

Then it only took a few minutes later on for teeth and loo when it was actually bedtime.

whiteroseredrose · 12/03/2019 21:32

I stopped imposing bed times way before 12 years old.

My DC know how much sleep they need and take themselves off to bed. If tired in the morning they know that they need an early night the next day. No need for arguments.

EeeByeGummieBear · 12/03/2019 21:33

@twosoups1972, anytime between 9.15 and 9.30. Goes up, sorts his school bag out, plus some other faffing, but we leave him to it as he's shown us he can settle by 10. Less stressful than what we were doing before, for us and him!

TigerQuoll · 13/03/2019 09:26

Why don't you tell him he won't have a bedtime anymore - he can decide when he goes to bed - for as long as he can get himself up without any help and you don't get any reports of him falling asleep in school

AnnaComnena · 13/03/2019 10:31

As long as she’s getting 8.5 hours sleep per night minimum...

NHS recommends 9.25 hours for 12yos.

www.nhs.uk/live-well/sleep-and-tiredness/how-much-sleep-do-kids-need?

Original poster
twosoups1972 · 13/03/2019 21:09

Thank you, this is all very helpful reading. I should probably relax a bit more, will probably make life easier for both of us. Dd does say she can't fall asleep that early so it's pointless her going to bed before she's ready.

OP posts:
MissWimpyDimple · 13/03/2019 22:43

I'm a tyrant clearly! My 12 year old goes to bed at 8.30 😬

She gets up at 7. She needs it though as she's like a zombie in the mornings (though no worse or better really with earlier bedtimes).

Maybe I need to move it to 9 now

Lulutheboss · 13/03/2019 23:11

I don’t really impose a bedtime for my 12 year old either. He goes to sleep when he’s tired. Normally around 10.30pm. He gets up at 7.15am with no problem but sleeps in a bit on the weekend for an extra hour.
My 10 year old usually passes out between 9-9.30pm and gets up at 8am.

Original poster
twosoups1972 · 14/03/2019 07:32

wimpy but how you do enforce it? Is your dd willing to go to bed at that time?

OP posts:
Original poster
twosoups1972 · 20/03/2019 10:21

Update - so I've been nagging less and leaving her to her own devices a bit more.

And what time has she been in bed....?? 11pm!! Angry

She just hasn't got enough maturity or responsibility to get herself to bed at a reasonable time. What the hell do I do??

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 20/03/2019 10:22

Is she still getting up ok? My DS (12) is in bed for 10.30ish on school nights. He gets up at 7am

Original poster
twosoups1972 · 20/03/2019 10:29

Dh gets her up in the morning. She's a bit sleepy but once she's up she's ok.

OP posts:
SparklySneakers · 20/03/2019 10:51

Lights out at 8pm in our house. Dd just turned 12. Gets up by herself at 6.40am. She needs her sleep and any later makes her tired and headachey. It's later at the weekend but they need their routine. Some children need less sleep though.

Original poster
twosoups1972 · 20/03/2019 11:09

sparkly but how you do enforce it? Suppose your dd just refuses to go to bed at that time? Maybe you all have very biddable 12 year olds Confused

OP posts:
SparklySneakers · 20/03/2019 11:17

No screens in the room. They can read for half an hour then lights out. The more she messes around the earlier I send her to bed. If she messes around until 9 then she goes to bed at 7. I'm in bed myself at 8 most nights and her room is on a different floor so I make sure everywhere is locked up and turn off all the lights. When she's at her dads there's no bedtime and she comes back exhausted and often feeling unwell and misses school so she's learnt that she needs her sleep. She's naturally an early riser.

TriciaH87 · 22/03/2019 18:22

My eldest is 12 he now goes to bed at 10 under the condition if he is not up and ready for school he is in bed at 8.30 that night. No problems so far.

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