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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Violent 12 year old daughter

4 replies

Downhillrider · 09/03/2019 18:47

I'm a single dad to 3 children. My 2 oldest girls have been away at there nans and got back at 5. My oldest is 12 and since starting year 7 she's got a right attitude on her!

Tonight she wanted to go around her friends house and I said not tonight. I got the usual verbal abuse. So I told her to go to her room as I don't like the attitude. Well the next thing I see is the tv remove flying past me. I told her don't you dare chuck things at me well that was it I got hit and kicked!

How would you deal with this?

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 09/03/2019 21:41

Is she usually like this or do you think something could have happened at her Nans?

Downhillrider · 09/03/2019 21:50

Sorry this isn't the first time she's hit out but its rare she does. I've spoken to my mum and she said everything was ok. The girls get spoilt rotten when they are over there they came back with lots off goodies.

She has calmed down and we had a quick chat she was just upset as all her friends was going and she was the only one who wasn't.

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helenoftroy1 · 09/03/2019 21:57

My son became violent at 12, he threw my vacuum clean down the stairs, threw a remote control at the TV smashing the screen and smashed a full length mirror by punching it. We couldn’t quite believe the angry outbursts and came down hard on him, grounding him taking off his phone etc. This not only made him worse but he became devious and lied all the time.

He’s 13 now and we treat this problem differently- he’s calmed down a lot.

When the storm has passed calmy explain to your daughter that her behaviour is completely unacceptable and achieves nothing. Tell her you understand her frustration but she needs to manage her anger, suggest counting to 10 or going to a time out area- maybe outside in the garden for example.

Tell her you will not replace anything she breaks in anger unless she ‘earns’ money towards replacing items with good behaviour.

We have learnt to treat everything as a negotiation- always listen to your daughters reasons for why she wants to do something you are not comfortable with, this reinforces she is important to you and her opinion matters. This is very important to youngsters and teens.

Calmly explain your concerns as a parent and why you are uncomfortable with her suggestion and wherever possible reach a compromise.

I know this seems like a very passive approach but in my experience taking a more stern stance just leads to more resentment and build up of anger.

My son is no angel but we have an honest and open relationship as opposed to constant explosions in the house where we firmly said no all the time, which also lead to him becoming devious and doing stuff behind our backs.

Age 11 upwards is a very tricky time for parenting. Good luck

Downhillrider · 09/03/2019 22:10

Thank you so sorry you have been through all off that!

Part off my problem is I do argue back which I know I shouldn't be doing.

During the hitting I took myself out the room and she ran to her bedroom

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