12 yr old attitude and swearing at home

[Storminateacup74]

My DD is 12.5 and full of attitude, which i keep telling myself is normal. She is so rude at home pure on proper shut up, I hate you, I hate my life, the occasional f off. She is never happy and walks round in a permanent sulk. I try to do lots with her as she has an autistic brother and a dad who isn't interested. Lately we have had a couple of shopping trips a cinema trip and meals out just the 2 of us. She is a bit happier then but so moody at home. It is like she wants our full attention all of the time (it is exactly as she was at 2 yrs old) she was a huge tantrumer and this behaviour at home now is an older version of the terrible 2's. Her favourite is to constantly swear or hit at her brother when I am cooking tea she knows i am busy and she doesn't like it. (again an exact replica of when she was 3!!) I also make sure I am always home when she returns from school and dedicate 40 mins for coffee/milkshake and chat but its like she hates me but then she also hates being away from me, she does very little with her friends as she is anxcious in case something happens ie she feels sick, they get lost , a boy she doesn't like talks to her or worse case scenario she is abducted!!! However at school she is the perfect student and works really hard and would never ever be rude to a teacher. She loves to impress other adults and is very much a people pleaser but she is vile to me, her dad and her brother. I try not to rise to it because I think some of it is attention seeking as she has been good all day she loves the confrontation at home and also she knows nothing bad will happen at home she feels safe so she sort of knows she can misbehave because we are not going to tell her to 'get out'. When I look at other teenagers around and hear what other children get up to she is really good. She wouldn't dream of being mean to another person (apart from us), she would never ever bunk off school. She is also an extremely honest person and I must admit always tells me where she is and who with (if she is out!!) and always tells me stuff. Her friends think she has a great relationship with me? As we are always doing stuff and she isn't banished to her room as we don't have TV's or computers in the kids bedrooms. Can I do anything to help her?? My hubby says I am too soft and I have brought her up to be arrogant. Everyone comments on what a lovely girl she is just not to us!!!

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Are you absolutely sure she doesn't have ASD too OP? While a lot of this could be normal preteen behaviour added together it does sound a bit like how girls a lot of girls experience ASD.

Why is your DG blaming you too? Wasn't he around for her upbringing?

[Eleanor35]

My 11 year old is the same. Have empathy for you. My child is very good student at school, hates homework. Top sets. Well behaved. Home, different ball game. Contacurous, rude, button presser, loud (perhaps gets that from me - battling with her to win the battle, sadly not the war!). Everyday same. Morning and evening disagreements. Heated. Try to walk away. Both get hurt. I take it personal very deeply. I worry for my health as result because need to be there for my child. No friends that will listen to my plea for help. Tried, but feel it brings them down when I should be lifting them up. Ex-partner sees his daughter, but highlight issues at home and they hit the stoney ground. He's laid back and not interested in my struggle or his child's welfare. Feel very alone. Miss my mum too. No job. Studying. Lack confidence. Unable to hold my ground with my daughter. Set any sanctions, and follow through. No effect. Used to outgoing and bubbly. Lost my way. Put on weight. Lost love for myself. Always say I love my child, always do liitle things like put toothpaste on her brush, hot water bottle in her bed, leave her "mummy love notes", give loads and loads of cuddles, always buy a little treat fro them when not with me, cook together, read stories at night, watch films together, openly talk, advise, offer guidance... And it all gets thrown back at me. I am now feeling like a yoyo. Don't know whether I am coming or going. Cry in the bathroom. Not diagnosed with depression according to my GP (!). So you're not alone. Wish I could advise..

[MumOfChildrenAndCats]

Do you implement sanctions when she swears/hits her brother. I can understand attitudes/sulking etc but swearing and hitting is on a different level and I would definitely give negative consequences for that, as if not, you are ineffectibely allowing it to continue.